"i am an oxymoron"

Holy Fucking Horseradishes, Old Blog Is Old

2011-12-23T08:50:00.004-06:00

Holy fucking shit this is old. I bet I still have all the same problems I whined about on here and more though. Ha.

So do I start writing shit here again? Do I start another new blog(I've done that before, wrote a post or two, then forgot about it) since it's like, this is really old and now I'm doing other stuff but just as badly as the old stuff more or less. Um. Yeah. I'll think about it. (:

yaY!

2007-09-28T07:48:00.000-05:00

it's almost tampon time!

excepting i do not use tampons, they feel funny. i just said tampon instead of maxipad b/c of the alliteration of "tampon time". it, sounds cool, uh, to me, for some reason.

this may however simply be a sign of me needing to go back to sleep for a bit.

but i won't because it's almost eight am and i have seven billion things to do today!

yes, that's right. exactly seven billion.

the back to wanting to stab to death my brain again but oh it was seeming like i was having a good run for a mite

2007-09-23T05:54:00.000-05:00

urgh. and is this any different from my other postings here?
and is this any different from my other postings here?
and
is
this
any
different
from
my
other
postings
here
?

can i get a hell meh?

- - -

why is up down and down up?

well well technically up and down = up

and um...

i think i broke it
poor brain

the something of a point, however dull or busted off

i have been in somewhat of a good, upbeat, doing and thinking ish
sort of way
a being creative
a allowing myself to be a creative being

however the basis of
or
what seemed to allow
or spur on
this
possibly partially spurious
spurting

would seem to be
staying awake, alot
while
imbibing
caffeine and energy drinks

and i have not much been eating healthily
and probably foolishly lost a job
it wasn't a very helpful job anyway
and it sort of wasn't all my fault

so anyway
why?
why does feeling
like i can be
come
in such an
unhealthy
way?

this is not sustainable

i am so pissed
i want to be more like
this version of me that seems more
to be me
than the do nothing no ambition scared and pissed and lazy version

o.O

these are confusing times

how do i have the good of this me
without being tired and sick feeling and taking in too many shitty chemicals or whatever
one chooses to call caffeine and the stuffs in energy drinks

*sigh*

2007-07-01T01:33:00.000-05:00

being somewhat of a dr0k, I am thinking of starting another blog. why another one? hmm. to separate it from the previous pointless drek that has been the main of this one, I suppose. to dedicate it somewhat to a different purpose- a diary of goals and accomplishments more than a chronicle of complaints. This new blog most likely would encompass the purported purposes of all three of the blogs I have previously attempted on this blogspot/blogger account(here I have a music blog, a random miscellany blog, and this personal/diary blog) and/or be incorporated into a larger sort of website, wet paint or somesuch service I imagine... though I may still use blogspot, I am going to look at different free services and website hosting options. should I choose to pursue this with any seriousness.

I hope to populate this new blog/website with engaging content and also hope it can serve as a tool to promote myself and network as an artist, "musician", poet/writer, creative thinker, ? ; and also to promote the ventures of friends and persons/bands/projects/small businesses that I believe worthy of support.

uh, yeah. we'll see where this goes. :D

angry blah, blurgh, meh

2007-06-19T02:55:00.000-05:00

i still suck and any idea i've had of how to live is fast eroding.
meh.

ergh.

2007-05-31T03:14:00.000-05:00

how do i make me fall in love with me? how do i decide what it is i should be doing and actually commit to doing it? uh. and stuff. my stomach feels funny. maybe it's something to do with breathing. being calm and still and listening inside. or something like that. or maybe it's bacon artichoke cheesecake...
hm. me. who and/or what is me? and how does it become less nuisancy and burdensome? how does it become? uh. how do i become... a real and valid and not irksome sort of person, or something? breathing, listening inside? doing and feeling good about that doing? eating mashed potato pizza at pizza luce? talking to myself too much? drinking too many whiskey 7's?
*worried*

i am painfully and desperately awry.

guh.

2007-05-22T22:48:00.000-05:00

m-m-m-motherfucking m-m-m-monkeys

figure i'll be just fine. more or less. somehow or other.

yeah. sure. alright. okay.

:)

um, yeah.
a-aight. is. am. mayhap.

2007-05-22T00:26:00.000-05:00

completely fucking losing it. yay.

2007-05-19T10:51:00.000-05:00

i don't understand this shit. i seem to get a little spurt of uh... ambition or hope or something, and start to do stuff. then i don't follow through on whatever i started to get done and go all wonky and depressed again. like, i'm a little scared. not that i'm going to go and die or something. that's just not something i can do, for better or worse. more worried about interpersonal relations, having friends, stuff like that. i am not sure how to explain my worry, or rather don't quite have words. guess it's that i seem to be fumbling and straining the few friendships i have... and i'm scared that i'm just not meant to have friends, that i really can't interact with other people on a deep level... something like that... can't go into it too much now, got to get ready for work.

kicking myself for taking this shift when i would have had the day off, but it's more money and i'm kinda worried that i won't be able to hold down this job for that long so i should get what i can.

don't know what to do... :/

2007-05-15T08:51:00.000-05:00

redundant addendum to previous thoughts posted:

doing = better than not doing

--

I just made some calls and made some plans to pay off moneys owed to the Univ. (and got a bunch of accumulated late payments wiped from my bill so long as I go pay them a.s.a.p. - like almost $200 in late fees!), made plans to take care of my overdue financial aid payments also- well pay what I have to and then fill out deferral paperwork, and I made an appointment for Thursday morning with my academic advisor to see what my options are and what I need to do to get back into classes and to graduate.
yay.
cuz I frickin' miss being a student.
of course than I'll have other issues b/c graduating also means not being a student anymore. ;) eep.
but then maybe I can think about grad school or something. ;)

yay me.

I guess I should make some calls about the medical assistance/medicare shit now.

cuz

doing = better than not doing
and
action begets more action

2007-05-15T06:59:00.000-05:00

okay. well, yesterday wasn't wasted though I really didn't end up doing any of the things on my to do list.
went to see friend at his 'puter and bike fixing shop, he's working on my sick g4 laptop for me. hung w/ him for a few hours, and we decided to replace the hd for now- my old one has a shit ton of bad sectors. uh. it's toast more or less. he had things to do so I went to the big computer store in the suburbs on my own. :) on my bike. I finally used the greenway(nice bike trails)... 5 miles each way the ride was. It was awesome. I need to ride my bike more and of course, I really need to get to know my way around better. Made me feel good doing that. And maybe strong and self-sufficient and stuff too. Made me want to be healthier and stronger, have a better functioning body.
yeah. so yesterday was alright. Of course I hung around computer store so long that when I finally got back to my friend's shop, he'd had to head home. But I'll bring him the hd today. And I might do my laundry this morning before work, ok, I doubt that. I am thinking I might just drop a ten spot on a pair of khaki's at work (target) since mine have gotten a little dingy. but it's cool that I actually feel like I could do laundry before work. so, action begets action-- the more I do, the more I want to/feel capable of doing.

I'm working on being strong, competent, confident, NOT NEEDY. I have this incredible weird needy streak in me... and it puts people off... and of course means I am wobbly and, er, dependent. something like that. wobbly and dependent is not strong and independent. I'm feeling a mite wobbly now, heh. Trying to comprehend whatever it is I am trying to comprehend. ;) Anyway during the course of some friendly/jestful banter with an online aquaintance, random cute boy kol-er I happened to get into conversation with, ... I'd said something about being mopey/emo and he said emo was out, and when I asked him what was in than, he said "confidence". It wasn't apropos of anything to do w/ me, intentionally, this person barely knows me at all; but it's sat in my head making me think about how I need to more self-confident. Strong and independent. Not needy. I have a friend, who's not really my friend anymore b/c he feels I'm too needy. well, hell, I guess there are a couple people I've lost for that reason. Though one was someone I've known for 3-4 years in "real life" (not just online) and I just saw him the other day and asked about hanging out sometime and confirmed again(already discussed/already knew) that he's not interested in being friends anymore like that b/c I'm "too needy".
I think I might have almost lost my bike/'puter fixing friend for the same sort of reasons. Not really sure but there was a while when we dropped out of touch...

so anyway, not being needy. being confident. being self-sufficient... not needing others to validate my self-worth. uh, stuff to work on. :)
--

sometime or other this summer, I am thinking it might be neat to try and take a bike trip all the way to up to Duluth/Superior. Need to look into how that would work and if my bike friend would be interested in joining me. It could be pretty cool. In the meantime, ride more and try and learn more about navigating the city(and surrounding stuff).

--

I fucking didn't use my turns up again in kol, on either of my hc runs, nor the hc acct. I'm running for a friend. My softcore accts. have been neglected for a while.
And I guess I really don't care that much about that anymore. I am going to donate for a couple Mr. A's now that I have the cash to do so... but I'm really not sure where my KoL playing is headed. It's still fun, though can be a bummer sometimes cuz of all that's transpired via KoL and changed or been lost. Have entertained the idea of quitting. I guess I still have friends on there. I dunno. I do still enjoy the game, and I still enjoy chatting, playing games, and holding games in /games. *shrug* We'll see where that goes, I guess. Anyone who's wandered over here who doesn't know, KoL is a free online sort of rpg that I have been obsessively playing for a few months kingdomofloathing.com. It's more than a game, there are chat rooms and clans where players can interact, socialize, form communities, ...

--

Been thinking about school. needing to explore my options, fix what I can... Should see if I can make an appointment w/ my advisor tomorrow though I guess that could be a mite unnecessarily quicklike. But it might actually be plausible to take 6 credits over the summer. Paying out of pocket. Hmm. *deep breath*
might be more sensible to wait a bit longer and be sure I'm going to be at this job for a bit.

If I decide to stay at this job for a bit. I am planning to apply to work at big computer store in the suburbs, the one I went to yesterday. Figuring I could learn stuff and get a sweet discount on stuff and that would be hella cool. And I already know I can ride my bike out there easily enough. :D
woot. They have an application online, should maybe do that tonite. Have to decide if I want to try and have to jobs, see if I can do one ft and one pt. Though I figure I'd want the 'puter store job as my full time. Hmm.

I need to be careful and not overwhelm myself. Nor get distracted from things that really really imperatively must be done soon, like sorting out my medical assistance/medicare eligibility and filling out paperwork to sort out my financial aid debt....

gah.

-
Not really sure what the point of this whole blog is. No-one reads it, and I really wouldn't expect anyone to be that interested in my day-to-day ramblings about either things I'm sad and/or angry about or things I should be doing. lolz. But it's helping my wee lil' brain process I think, and that's good. So why not?

5/14

2007-05-14T06:13:00.000-05:00

things i intended to do today that probably won't get done

go downtown and check in w/ someone at whatever office I need to go to about my medical assitance/medicare eligibility or lack thereof
go to the financial aid office at the u. to try and take care of some stuff.
something else i forgot
laundry
bring promo stuff for first ave around town

i wish i could remember the one i forgot, i guess i should have made this list sooner. i think it involved going somewhere too and it was kind of important. oh, well there's calling nip about getting some counseling or whatever through them... mental health issues and whatnot. :/ see earlier posts ;) can ya tell i'm a wee bit not right up there? nip= neighborhood involvement program. they got different, uh social services... er...programs...er things to help low income peeps... yeah... I called them a couple of weeks or so and then when they called me back I never returned their calls. :/

i still think there's something i'm forgetting.

anyway i guess probably i will sleep and mope all day instead.

yay.

meanwhile the cats that aren't mine and don't fucking belong here being very reluctantly fed and looked after by me for a mostly thankless friend... and there's even a little more to it than that... uh, anyway, one of them is puking again. maybe it's even on my bed again. little rapscallians. i seriously need these fucking animals out of here before my head explodes. i'm starting to feel like i live in a big litterbox. :/

i think i'm just going to puke on the cat.

- - - - - - - - -

crying again. what now?

hmmph.

2007-05-14T04:08:00.000-05:00

wow, i was a really fun motherfucker last night, wasn't I? good thing noone actually reads this blog. lol. that was a wee bit melodramatic. and could easily be taken the "wrong" way. or something. just being a tad rambledy. a tad maudlin. :) of course I'm just fine. just venting, possibly too much.

aagh. and it was mother's day, i really shoulda been posting about my mom. After all I almost started crying at work the other day cuz someone was buying some silly lil' thing that is something I would have liked to get her. and today just cuz of random customers saying "happy mothers' day".

I's got a bad habit of pushing aside the things I really should be being maudlin about, the real serious stuff, and letting myself get caught up things that really shouldn't be all that important.

I don't know what I would be doing today were Mom alive. probably would've just talked to her on the phone, sent a package or card mayhap. Her b-day is on the 17th, so not sure when I would have/would end up heading to Duluth to hang with her. guess since the 17th is a weekday and chances are I might still be in school then... maybe I would have spent today with her. Maybe woulda gone out to dinner with her and my brother, seen a movie, gone bowling, ... something like that.
played a few scrabble games. :) I really miss playing scrabble with Mom.

--

a little more on last nite's posting... it's not really about love or sex, just friendships that seem to maybe have been lost. or not lost even, but changed. it may sound like what I was venting about was a lost opportunity at love or sex or something like that. and well... maybe there is a little of that there too, I guess. But that's not where my frustrations lie. nor is it about being jealous. and it's really kind of mixed up, cuz it's a response to a couple different situations, and being sad and lonely in general. well I'm trying to clarify on the off chance that someone that my rambling actually has some relevance to actually happens to read this stuff. But I guess if they do, they should just talk to me. Ah, and I guess that's a fair chunk of what it is that's got me so up in arms. A simple matter of missing talking to someone. Or, missing having someone to talk to. well that's part of it, anyway.
ha, I make sense. ;)

---

bunnyrabbits, satan, cheese, and milk.

till next time...

2007-05-13T20:33:00.000-05:00

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall

-- -- -- -- - -

a mish mash of confusing miscellany in a world of maybes now lost and gone.
looking for revelations
or maybe salvation
or maybe just a shoulder
to lay my lonely head upon
lost and
losing
a world of maybes
now lost and gone
a mish-mash
of confusing miscellany
i can't explain
i only know it's gone
and i don't really know
what to do now

a bullet in my brain
is nonesense
only to make others see
that something else should have been?
to air my frustration somehow
make someone sad
make them regret

utter foolishness

:)

but i really don't know what do with myself sometimes

more people to forget about i guess

:/

more crossed off the list of friends.

:/

dread weary emoticons.

bleh.

all i know how to say anymore.

bleh. meh. blargh. argh. :/

but do i have any real desire to die?

or is it just spite?

and do i have any real desire to say "piss off"
and just cut ties myself with people who once strove to be my friend
or maybe even my lover
or something in between
people who strove to let me know I was worth something to them
worth their time and effort
and then decided that I'm really not?
what of it?
their loss?
:/
meh
blargh.
argh.
ergh.
blergh.
:/

pondering and whatnot

2007-03-30T15:36:00.000-05:00

ok. I'm not suicidal. I But I am really stuck. Trying to figure shit out...
what I have found myself pondering is the question of what I have to look forward to, reastically.
though I guess I don't know ... of course, who can see the future after all?
but it seems really bleak.

---

what is really eating at me right now is not being to able to handle/form/have/keep close friendships.
well
somewhat more specifically
what do you do when someone who tried to convince you that you were worth their time, their friendship; changes their mind?

I mean, that kind of just affirms the idea that I'm a piece of shit asshole
eh?

it's like 'oh you're right, you really are a fucked up asshole' from someone who was trying to convince me otherwise

---

i really don't think i've got too much to look forward to. life is still always interesting enough and full of enough possibility that i wouldn't want to end it... but...
i'm having trouble mustering the... i dunno, wherewithal, whatever, to really explore it and see what i can do with it, life, i mean...
what's the point? everything seems to end in tears... for me, anyway
---
all kinds of awesome people are slogging away doing all manner of fun, creative, and/or meaningful things; through troubles much greater and more real than mine
and of course there are many many others struggling w/ more or less and doing worse as well
it's all relative
---

i still have no idea how to accomplish the things i would need to accomplish to really live, o er, or even what those things are.
but does anyone?

time to smoke another cigarette and play some more KoL. :/

how the hell do i deal with this shit?

stomach ache and other wounds

2007-03-29T02:56:00.000-05:00

so
wednesday morning, got to temp agency on time, got cut b/c they overbooked people for the job they were going to send me out to.
so i returned home and spend most of the day poking through my mp3 collection and throwing together a mix cd for a friend.
feeling cheerful, i nipped into the vodka and of course had too much and fell asleep early w/out even finishing stuff in the online rpg thing I've been playing, KoL, which, when I woke post-rollover, I wasn't too happy about it all, being that it was a stat day so I would have gotten bonus stats for each turn played... uh, basically. And I didn't eat, which gets me additional turns. and I'm in hardcore, which means I really needed those stats and turns, damn it.
er, and now, well, i haven't been able to sleep. i got started thinking about one of the friendships started and then killed through me being a dumbass(something like that, don't want to get into specifics here) and, well, can't sleep. basically. and my stomach is all knotted up, whether it's feeling tense/stressy or that i'm not sleeping when i should be, or from drinking earlier, not really sure, probably combination of all those. so i decided not to go to the temp agency in an hour. been up all night and feel ill and sad.

so back to where i was a couple of days ago.

though i suppose in theory instead of getting pissed at life and myself and letting myself wallow in these frustrations again, i could try and make some good decisions anyway, get some sleep and go apply at Target and JimmyJohns and wherever else occurs to me... maybe actually read the classifieds, they are online.
after all giving up isn't really going to help things, eh?
something like that.

I actually feel pretty defeatist about it, but that attitude isn't going to help so... i dunno, i'm not sure how to stop it though.

ugh, stomach is miserable and so am i.

3/27

2007-03-27T20:21:00.000-05:00

today:
- slept most of the day, feeling crappy
was supposed to do temp work @ 5 a.m., was about ten minutes late, they've got me set up for tomorrow morning though
- re-compiled my basic job app. info
- filled out and turned in an app. at a nearby 24 hour convenience store
- got some groceries
- arranged to borrow some more money from my Dad to help w/ rent

- should be in bed by 11 at the latest- reastically it'll end up being midnite though I figure :))

plans for tomorrow:
- be at temp. agency by 5, work eight hours
- pick up promo materials at the night club I'm on the street team for
- apply @ Target and grab some grocery items while there

goddamn it!

2007-03-27T18:34:00.000-05:00

I need to clean under my fingernails.

I've decided, I guess, that I just need to pursue doing what I need to do for now and not get so caught up in other things... like being depressed or obsessing over stuff, er, people even. Sure.

Just focus on finding a workable job, and getting stuff in my life here sorted out. Sure.

:)

worth a try, eh?

blood, fucking, fucking, blood

2007-03-17T22:39:00.000-05:00

I have actually been told twice in the last aprox. 2 weeks that I am verbally intelligent. something like that.
what does that Mean?
hmm.

I went to the store today and bought milk, bacon, cigarettes, and beer. this actually being 3 stores. the cooperative grocery, the liquor market, and the super-america.
I previously quit smoking for aprox. 3 months, or, at least the better part of 3 months. I dived back in for a pack one week when I was beleaguered by sadness and stress, but it didn't stick. The smoking, I mean. At the time, didn't stick. Being beleaguered by sadness and stress is the rule rather than the exception it seems.
and hence, again, smoking.

I guess I don't have anything else to say right now.

More so, I have so much that I could say that it's overwhelming.

I don't want to think about it. I will anyway, but...

hmmm...

these posts all run together, despite it being a rather long time.

this doesn't bode well for me at all, of course

I guess this is why I don't know what else to post.

as ever it is like I am at a crux of some kind, like I have decisions to make about how to live and how to be...
as ever I could try and talk about the things I need to do to change
not sure I know them
the things I need to change
not even sure of those any more

"like playing the mmg... you win a bit and lose a bit, then you start losing but bet higher and higher, b/c you think you're due eventually to win... but instead just keep losing till the meat's all gone"

I still don't know entirely what I meant when I said that.

I owe people all kinds of apologies and don't know what to say.

bleak shit, life.

I'm sick of these games...

--- -- -- ---- --

ah, self-demolishment

*smile*

meh, just, meh

2007-01-25T09:10:00.000-06:00

I have pieces of my Mom in a box on a shelf. Well, not pieces, ashes- though suppose there could be bone fragments in there. I'd wanted to open it and look through the ashes to find one or two, and make something out of them, like a necklace or just something I could keep in my pocket all the time like some kind of talisman, I guess. Never did get around to it.

So, I'm 29. I'm finding myself in all manner of pickles and crisises. Turmoil. Because I'm not finding myself, I guess. 29, and I don't know who the fuck I am. 29, barely any skills, barely any friends, debt far past my eyeballs, barely loved, barely lived. I think I can count people in the world who love and care about me on one hand, even if I had a couple fingers cut off, it seems.

So many things I haven't gotten around to. Debt piling up unchecked b/c I don't feel like doing paperwork. School gone to hell b/c I don't feel like leaving my apartment or working on... well anything, it seems.
meh... and onward it goes, I could write for miles and still say nothing good it seems.

So now what?

ergh. guess I'll post more here later. been a while, and I guess I have a lot to say.
though just more whining as ever... :/

the head is in some minor dry pain agh

2006-11-11T09:21:00.000-06:00

alright. it's still pretty shitey an' confuzzling. but whatever. and i have a headache. errr... fuckity.

i need to drink more water b/c i drank up a few of the whiskey 7's last nite. indeed.

nine in the mornin' nine in the mornin'

i have so many very important things to do.

i'm kinda lonely but i'm not cold.

life. woo.

play kingdom of loathing, dammit. unless you're just not cool enough to play it. then don't. hmmph.

bologna, okay, needs ketchup. or is it baloney, ok, needs catsup?

2006-11-05T19:53:00.000-06:00

it seems entirely possible i'm on the verge of going crazy.

i'm probably exaggerating though.

things go further downhill and it seems the likeliness of me having a mainly friendless and certainly significant other-less existence is maintaining if not increasing.

i'm really hungry right now and i'm too lazy to go to the grocery.
huh.

i should be doing schoolwork or cleaning but instead i am hooked on an online RPG called kingdom of loathing. it is quite engaging and fun and humourous also but still no excuse for neglecting my studies or the messiness that is my room and apt. in general. ouch.

i have a headache.

i'm thirsty.

i really wanna get drunk or at least, kinda wanna get drunk.

i am losing desire to smoke cigarettes it seems. i've only smoked a few a week for the past few weeks. dwindling.

i think my life is heading toward's it's apocalypse rather quickly. convergence of school troubles and financial troubles and psychological troubles and general loneliness and woe and apartment is a mess troubles and interpersonal relations troubles
more ouch

it's not untanglable, i guess.

get a job.
concentrate harder on studies/schoolworks.
pick up the apt. and do dishes and such regularly

is this really insurmountable? no. of course not. but my problems seem to outweigh my potential by far.

yes. i could start simply by regulating my time - do school stuff for at least x hours, clean for x hours, turn in x many job apps. each day; shite like that.

i dunno. or i could get even simpler and start by being sure to eat sleep and breathe proper each and every day b/c even that simple matter is something i neglect. i could try the meditation for a bit 'o time each evening. try not to hate myself i guess. something like that.

but it's all a copout... it's like some sort of catch 22; either i hate myself b/c i'm depressed and angry and i might even need meds. to fix it, or i hate myself for possibly "pretending" to/letting myself be depressed and angry to drop out of life b/c it's easier that way. not trying hard enough to change. i can't figure it out. ha. fucking hilarious. i'm just a whiny fucking c*nt and i should get off my ass.

whatever.

seriously.

no f*ckin' clue.

later rockst*rs,

+ptrsn+

i'm as calm as a fruit stand in new york and maybe as strange

2006-11-01T19:18:00.000-06:00

hungry and cold and hungry and cold, cold like the dead under a few feet of snow in the frozen frozen winter ground

yup. i'm a fuckwit of sorts, been on campus all damn day half-assedly going at a composition project i need to be done with by tomorrow at one thirty.

woot.

wholly unwholesome dirty mess. fingernails jagged with grime underneath.
egregiously greasy and unpleasantly itchy as well.

missed much of sleep, at the club for halloween, drowning in rail whiskey and generic lemon lime soda once more. had the fortune somehow to wake up for class on time this morn, despite the passing out without setting my alarm at 4 or 5 in the morning. class was at 9:05.

all day i have gone without eating except my lovely friend and t.a. of electronic music class shared dried fruit with me. i should have gone home and took a nap and some baked potatoes and then returned late to work on progress b/c sitting here all day has been none too fruitful with the distractions of sleepy and hungry. not to mention cold. did i mention yet that i am very cold?

but last nite before the club i went trick or treating wtih some good friends and that was of course quite pleasant. it is nice to walk about a neighborhood actually speaking to people who live there, though it wasn't my neighborhood. i guess i could talk to people in my neighborhood more when i happen to see them but unfortunately i am shy and hate people.

that isn't true. neither really are. i am intensely nervous about speaking to people i don't know/know well but i am not exactly shy. and i generally like people but sometimes, oftentimes even, want naught to do with them. and i guess the problem with getting to know my neighbors is that then they'd, like, talk to me, whenever i happened into them.

what hell is wrong with me, eh?

enough transmission for today, for this moment anyway, i have stuff to be doing.

snowflakes, not yet.

the knives in the kitchen are too dull to smile

2006-11-01T10:08:00.000-06:00

hungry. still sad that there was no after party hangout after halloween thing at the club. but such is life. i don't work there so oh well. got some good faggot pictures. faggot fucking rocked. yep. and and and i woke up in time for class despite passing out without setting my alarm which is pretty fucking amazing and lucky.

hungry. even a hot dog would be good right now. i have gummy body parts. my friend's mom gave them to me yesterday cuz she didn't get enough trick or treaters and she didn't want two bags of 'em. so i gave a few out at the halloween party. that was fun.

hungry. and lonely still. but feeling better then i were a week ago. for sure. maybe. :)

cold. inhale deep, exhale hard. what next?

when you're young you get sad... and you get high...

2006-10-28T04:02:00.000-05:00

I like Ryan Adams. ;) :( A True Tale! and in fact I have rather wanted to listen to Ryan Adams for the past week or so and have been frustrated b/c it's on my external h.d. that is at skool. Aagh! And so I d/led Heartbreaker from emusic even though I have it on said h.d. and I have poked about on the interweb for other of his musics. Yes. Huh.

Emo! Indie Rocker hip songwriter crap! What is wrong with me!!?

kidding. it's indeed good shit and none of the above.

I also am craving cheese.

Last nite I saw Electric 6 and they are very very good.
The previous night I saw Negativland, also very very good.

I like being a weirdo with diverse musical tastes. Trues.

Also purple, milk, digital performer, final cut pro, and max/msp/jitter, and bacon, and whiskey, and flogging molly are all things I am rather fond of.

And my friends. I am happy about pinball and the Cardinals winning the world series b/c I have a buddy that is fond of these things. He kills at pinball. Yup. And he is a good and honest and sweet guy. The kind of people I like, good and honest and sweet, open mind, "warped" sense of humour. Yes. People who are unpretentiously themselves. Indeed. Trues fo' sho'.

Tomorrow the plan is to grab a ten thirty bus to Duluth. But I have concern. For one thing the affording this trip is an issue, my bro is supposed to have made arrangements to be sure I recoup what is spent on bus journey, but if he fails I will have a problem b/c I desperately need them moneys. Ergh. And the other thing is that I haven't done the bus trip to or from Duluth since b4 Mom died, and one of the things that I get all teary eyed about is remember how she always used to see me off at the bus station when I left, she always cried a bit as if I weren't comin' back or something even though of course I were... Yeah... so I am concerned about this making me sad.
And also my bro and his (ex?) girlfriend fight and argue and she is kinda wacko and if we are depending on her as driver to someplace or other, we have to be concerned about her flipping out about something and ditching us wherever and I just dunno if I can deal w/ the stress of it.
So I am actually waffling despite the being on the guest list to see Flogging Molly in Duluth and they are (hopefully probably) dedicating my Mom's favorite FM song to her. Not to mention seeing younger brother whom I haven't spent much time with for a while. Yeah.

Hmm... so we'll see what happens in the a.m. a.m. I guess.

fabulousbiscuits

2006-10-25T07:26:00.000-05:00

abysmally uck. more hangover. skinned knee. lost bike locks. that was monday. last nite was not bad i was even home by eleven pm. and not too terribly drunk. but i still haven't eaten properly. the last comprehensive actual meal i had was spaghetti on sunday/monday morning-- yeah it were the wee hours. i went to a friend's place and we drank black 100 that was left over from drinking with ian with orange juice. and he made yummy spaghetti. he also threatened to shoot me but i'll overlook that b/c the spaghetti rocked.

so yeah, sunday was another awesome d.w.i. taping at which i did some decent camera work and had fun. then i got home at like two in the morning and talked to my friend on the telephone and somehow ended up taking the black 100 that i got at the shoot and going to his place. and then i got home again at like maybe 5 and forgot to set my alarm again b/c i'd set it earlier before i left but when i left i unplugged it and when i came back i forgot cuz for some reason i was thinking it was good. so i missed a class which is bad. and on top of that i hit the black 100 again and sent an email to my instructor that probably had a bit much of the drunken cussing about stuff and rambling in it. i have that class again today, and i'll be there. it's in one hour and fourty five minutes. almost am so embarrassed about the dingbat email that i don't wanna go.
click on this magic text to go listen to the most recent composition i made for my electronic music class! Lemme know what y'all think. I am going to get ready for going to class now. I am hungry but don't wanna eat now b/c I know my stomach and bowels will not react well. so I have to wait till I don't got nowhere to go. ergh. l8r awesome interweb.

no new naptime

2006-10-21T22:23:00.000-05:00

tailspin vs. upswing. fatigue, emptiness, loneliness, vs just doing and being and being content with the being and doing- something like that.
angry vs calm
self destructive vs self esteem
mania vs mania
aagh.

cleaning schoolwork finances breathing

aagh. saying fuck it and sleeping instead... *sigh*

breathing?

mskllneous rmblngs

2006-09-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

something I have noticed, and of course I have somewhat noticed this before but not quite in the same way... I mean, I guess now I am seeing it as a trait I seem to have that I need to find a way to change. I seem to be more likely to mourn the passing of good times than to be happy that I have had them. I am listening to Sonic Youth and thinking of times spent sitting up all nite drinking and listening to Sonic Youth and other stuff but lots of Sonic Youth in preparation of them coming here in the first week of Sept which has happened already now... anyway we had a lot of fun, and now my friend is reluctant to sit up all nite drinking w/ me for some reason... And the Sonic Youth concert happened so we don't have that impetus for him to introduce to all his favorite Sonic Youth. Am I happy that he and I shared some awesome times? Well of course I am somewhat, but more I find myself feeling really sad that it looks like we don't be doing stuff like that again. Hmm...

And I miss Mom like hell. If I could find a way to focus on good times we've had together and be glad to have those memories...

I'm hungry. Sonic Youth is awesome, but unfortunately the show wasn't quite as awesome as hoped though that was possibly b/c of their playing a sort set consisting of mostly new stuff we didn't know that well.

The Flaming Lips also played, they were the headliner, they were beyond awesome. As ever, the song Do You Realize... made me cry, even while I sang along. I've had that song come into my head so many times...

" Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face
   Do you realize we're all floating in space
   Do you realize happiness makes you cry
   Do you realize
     that everyone you know someday will die?

But instead of saying all your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last

Realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

May contain minor errors I've pretty much memorized it from listening but have only glanced at a lyrics sheet once...

pain in head, kill everything

2006-08-31T08:41:00.000-05:00

yeah what title says

head hurts

2006-08-14T13:15:00.000-05:00

i think maybe i am just going to keep beating myself up till i give up and blow my brains out or somesuch. or i am not going to do that. but whatever the case it still seems that i am adamantly going nowhere of note. stale, stalled, something else that suggests a lack of motion of beginning with the letter "s" as apparently i am fond of alliteration. i have to think about the times i have felt happy and productive and figure out what was different about those times. there weren't very many times like that however. and even during those times it's not as if i found success in life, i just felt less like shit for a bit generally for external reasons like a really cool poetry class for example. it is true generally that having a good writing class helps me feel better because i seem to somewhat good at writing poetry. something like that. the problems though of not having many friends and feeling very uncertain of the very scant few i have and feeling very lonely and wishing for things other than the things that i have and generally sucking at life in general don't just go away. now it seems that some of my problems may stem from misplaced attachments... "unskillful" attachments, something like that. just seeing the things i have typed out. and also a severe lack of self-confidence.

i don't really know what to do next. or i know everything to do next and not how to do it. an overwhelming amount of things that i should be doing when sitting here on the computer seems easier. i am scared of the world and of doing it seems. i have trouble getting off the couch and setting down my laptop just to make meals, much less leave the apartment and do important things out in other bits of the world.
that's not to say i don't do anything. yesterday i helped tape three episodes of a local t.v. program. and i had fun and maybe it helped my self-confidence though it's really hard to say because it generally seems that i don't amount to much as a camera operator and even when i think i did good work i don't seem to get that feedback from "higher ups" on the crew. and it bugs me to be disincluded in things like planning and idea generating because i think i am creative and clever and very useful in a brainstorming session. of course it undermines what confidence i seem to have that they don't seem to think i am creative and clever and useful, they just want me to carry things where they tell me to and shoot what they tell me to when i am operating the camera. it seems often that they give me little credit for having a functioning brain. i mean, i like most of these ppl and enjoy talking to them when i have the chance to, but nonetheless i feel that what i am saying is true. and also it really doesn't seem like they like me or find me interesting or anything, everyone usually talks a bit more to a friend of mine who has been doing the show far less time than i, in part b/c she is more outgoing than i but it also feels like it is mainly because she is way more physically attractive than i(she is awesome, i don't mean these comments as a slight towards her by any means). meh.

oh and i just found out that a bunch of Mom's belongings that were stored at my brother's were gone through and thrown out by some kid hired by the overzealous landlord to break into the house and start cleaning it out without any notice given to my brother. He says he was able to recover most stuff from the dumpster it was tossed into and most of the stuff i was still interested in was already safely in storage. He had a really nice leather jacket of Mom's that was taken, and also the motorcycle Mom left him. Hopefully not the tools also, I am not sure. We got into an argument because it sounded like he was trying to minimize the loss so I wouldn't feel so bad and I just wanted to know the truth. I guess I just have a hard time believing he actually got as much stuff to storage as he claims since the last time I was up there to pick stuff up and bring it home. I know I had some special items Mom gave me there yet... Hopefully they made it out safely. I guess I'll have to make it there soon to get more stuff and make sure it's still there. Though I guess if it's gone it's just gone and I will have to accept that. He's planning on taking the landlord to court. And his girlfriend's sister, whom they were staying with and supposed to be renting from after they completed their garage and a living space above it, wigged out on them and won't return a bunch of stuff of theirs including valuable baseball cards left to myself and him that he had stored there for safekeeping. Fucking awesome. And there is still the matter of my uncle and figuring out how he handled things, b/c things seem to have been mishandled-- he was the executer. There's some weird stuff... and the way he handled things right after she passed away was pretty fucked up, the way he handled the funeral was somewhat fucked up, pretty much everything he was involved with was fucked... i dunno...

I am getting so much closer to just giving up on all this and either dying myself or just going someplace else far away and, i dunno, becoming a mindless junkie or something. i have no fucking clue. just sick of this shit.

so, circular, back to the beginning or thereabouts... i don't know how to deal with any of this and am failing miserably.
what next?

i like ice cream and wearing no socks

2006-08-09T17:58:00.000-05:00

crazy how sometimes i have trouble believe Mom really died... takes some getting used to I guess.

still ain't doing much of anything, have lots of somethings that need doing though, esp with school back on next month. yowie. supposed to have done projects for a couple different classes i got incompletes in. there are at least two things i should bust ass on and try and have done before the beginning of the semester or at least within the first week or so, projects for classes, I mean. Spark Fest 2006 is already asking for submissions and I believe they want them by the end of next month... possibly going to submit a multichannel audio piece and maybe try and come up with a video piece as well. One or the other or both hopefully. And need to contact the director about getting involved early on this time. It was so cool last time... Sorry I am in a hurry to go get some shit done but I'll throw up a link later. Probably I should try and do a piece that I can both use for my projects for my inc. classes and submit to Spark. I have some paperwork to do and a bill to take care of with the U too or I won't even be there this semester. Kinda been sucking hard as far as getting shit done. Gotta try and get it together realy quicklike. Plus my apt. is still a mess, laundry sorely needs doing, and i should be trying to pick up some extra money somehow or other... among other myriad miscellany. and my head's still pretty damn wonky. argh. i need to cut my hair. and dye it purple.

thinking about getting a piercing or tattoo. prob a piercing, waffling on what to get pierced. probably go to st. sabrina's to get it done if i get up the nerve. i have a buddy or two i can prob get to go with for "moral support". it'd be cool to get pics or video of it being done... f*cking sweet. more later, supposed to be cleaning something.

grief and loss and stuff

2006-07-27T22:54:00.000-05:00

So yeah, Mom's dead. Been dead since mid-March or so. That's how it is.

For some reason, it seems to be getting harder to deal with the further off it gets. Lately I've found myself thinking about little details. Things from the past, times with her, things about her, things about her death...

Tonite I found myself thinking about how my brother and I sat in the room with her body after she'd passed. Not crying intensely, or freaking out. Even making jokes and laughing a mite. For some reason now, I can't figure how I did that. I almost regret it. Like somehow if I'd cried more and been more bereft right off the bat, it would have been easier now. But how would it have made things better to freak out? If I couldn't stop crying or clung to the body or some such somewhat silly shite? I dunno. Probably it would not. Probably I was dealing okay. But why is it getting harder now?

Of course this makes sense. At the time I could sort of shrug and be like, yeah, it's okay, death is part of life, it was going to happen eventually, she's out of pain now, etcetera... Now I know she's gone and I'll never see her again and it sinks in more and more with every passing day. I just have to find a way to deal with it. I miss her so much. Seems like I can't stop crying off and on lately. Just the past week or so it's really been hitting me. Hopefully I'll get to some point where it's a little easier to deal with.

I should be doing more with myself to keep busy, to get things I need to do done, to be healthy and in good mental health, to bolster my well-being. Ya know, simple shit even that I am not doing, like sleeping regular hours, eating well, regular exercise. Keeping my apartment neat and doing dishes and laundry. Finishing work I am behind on from school. Seeing a dentist. Sending out miscellaneous mail and forms and paperwork that I should be getting out for various reasons. Leaving the apartment for at least a bike ride or something every single day. Getting sun and doing stuff. Not drinking so much. Not being online so much. Reading books. Writing stuff. Meditating. Finding ways to bolster my self esteem and a positive outlook. Not spending money inappropiately. Getting a job or trying to get some temp work.
Etcetera. As you can see, lots to do, lots should do, and mayhap if I worked on doing such things, I would start feeling more positive. And it may help to alleviate the pain. I am always going to miss my Mom, and always remember my Mom, but at some point I have to not let it hold me up so much or make me sad so much. Of course I'll always feel some sadness... I don't want to get over it precisely, just be able to make it through a few days without crying, even to remember her and smile instead of crying. That's what she'd want.

back in bloggyland and stuff and myriad miscalleneous thoughts..............

2006-07-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

i like the dark.
i'm trying to escape the internet and drink more liquor.
i have a few friends whose company i enjoy immensely, though i could always use more.
and i seem to have lost a few good friends recently, but am waiting for confirmation...
oh well.
i also have many interesting peeps i talk to online. though i am trying to not be so wasteful of time on thee mighty internet.
i like to read books. i am currently reading cosmic trigger by robert anton wilson and also the satanic bible by anton szandor lavey. gee i just realized that makes two antons, sort of and i was rather thinking there are things these books have in common, the small bits i have read thus far anyhow. i am also sort of rereading a wild sheep chase by haruki murakami. of course since i am still spending far too much time online, this is all going rather slowly. i have a small vocabulary building book i picked up cheap too and am carrying that around. also there is the buddhist book i am/were reading- a path with heart by jack kornfield. which i am sort of on hiatus from, but will probably skip back to soon b/c i am thinking of having a go at the buddhist thing again now that i am starting to try and get my shit together, after a rather long hiatus from having my shit together in any fashion at all... my shit is still pretty fucked, but i am sorta getting out from under stuff... and trying doing things that i need to be doing... blah etc slowly and haphazardly with little commitment and not so much effort but stumbling towards maybe doing things that need to be done in my life... something like that... haphazardly fumbling with little committed effort... hmmm sounds about right... need more whiskey! i can put a little effort into that... lol... am i going down or up? who the fuck knows... we'll see... ask me in a couple months, if i am still breathing and functional...

i am also trying some new things, looking for some new things to try, using the internet as an aide for finding my way.... can't say too much more about that actually, funny though i started this blog to somewhat anonymously express miscellaneous myriad thoughts without inhibition... well now i don't want some of my friends/peeps i know who *may* read this to know some of the miscellaneous myriad things i may be up to. lol... i'll have to start another more anonymous blog to babble about that...
and then i'll give that url to my friends who i don't mind knowing about the stuff i am not disclosing now
then i will do something i don't want them to know about and i'll have to start an even more secretive and discrete blog.

dammit.

i will try to be more regular about updating this, if you read this thing and have some thought to share plz do share a thought so that i know that someone actually is reading this and that will motivate me to bother to post more.

i am going to go drink now. no, not that whiskey i was going on about, just some water. my head is sore and needs watering...

life is crazy. fucking fuck. i want it to be crazier... like a doing shit going crazy sorta thing instead of a sitting around doing nothing fuck this shit it's crazy sort of thing... something like that. wake up fucker! <<-note to self

miscellaneous mountains of unhappiness and woe

2006-07-01T23:45:00.000-05:00

it's bloody amazing how depressed I am, for a little while I thought the being more sad was a part of waking up and wanting to get more into living but now I am thinking, no I am really in a ridiculous amount of pain here. Too many things going south. People don't like me, I am unsuccessful and totes lack ambition, I am f*cking ugly and fat.

oh well... I'd babble on more here, but I guess my housemate and I are going to go play some scrabble somewheres.

fuck this shit

2006-06-23T03:10:00.000-05:00

i love ppl that don't love me back. that could be my new tagline, if i were hip enough to have such a thing. that's my life in a nutshell i think. i mean, fuck nutshells, but anyway that's where it's at. there's some ppl right now i know that i would do just about anything for, and seems they barely have interest in...well i dunno, that could be an exxaggeration, but anyhow, ppl like me way less than i like them it seems... i mean there are ppl right now i would fucking do just about anything for and even tho they are def my friends, i think that what they would help me out with and what i will and even mayhap have in some cases, help them out with are on completely different levels. what am i trying to say? i dunno, i have had some whiskey 7's and some beers and well i have thought about this sober so i can assure you this ain't just drunken nonesense, well it's disintegrating. really i guess i could post more on this when i am sober. yep.

life...

2006-06-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

another day, another moment desiring a bullet through my fat head...

"lol", that is so fucking negative, eh?

i am just getting sick of shit... i can't function in this world, it seems like every time i start to get closer to another human, develop some sort of friendship or something... i do something to fuck it up b/c i just don't get ppl. i am thinking i should just give up on having friends for the most part... i dunno... my favoritest ppl i know aren't talking to me like they used to or like i'd like them too or at all... i don't know what i did... i don't know how to fix it...

so this is life, eh? fun times...

hello world

2006-06-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

so i have been growing my social life but my academic/creative life is flopping... right now i think i am going to make serious efforts to get everything together... my life in general hasn't been doing well either, though i am happier at some points b/c i have been making friends/hanging out with people whose company i enjoy more often. but i have to get it all together. i can't flunk the class i am taking. i can't ignore my responsibilities, my housework, grocery shopping, and such miscellaneous things that need doing on a regular basis. i have paperwork and other things that i need to get mailed to various places. i need to figure out what to buy my Dad for father's day, it's coming up fast...
I am kind of feeling more alive and engaged... or at least engagable today... with life and things that need to be done...
guess that's all i got to say for the moment. :) life is okay.

my eyes hurt...

2006-05-31T08:57:00.000-05:00

i guess i haven't updated in a while. not much to say, really. i don't know what's going on. i can't tell if things are getting shittier or better. i don't know if there's any point to anything. i am still extremely fucking lonely and generally unhappy. it seems the unrequited crushes scene is getting worse, though on friendships i guess i am doing better. i fucking hate this heat.

yeah, so, whatever. i dunno. sort of aborting the class it seems, though i am enrolled and still attending for the most part. but today i just ain't going... just fucked. stupid head is aching the heat is making me crazy i am short on sleep and i have no project to turn in... if you're in my class and you're reading this plz ignore that last part...

damn it i am thirsty and filled with rage at everything... argh.

there was a bat in my apartment last night, i thought it was super cute though i didn't want him flying into my head... he would find a spot and hang out for a little bit, then fly around the room 3-4 times then settle down again... then fly around again... he was sitting for a while and i prodded him lightly with a broom handle b/c i had decided to see if i could figure a way to coax him into the kitchen as there is a door to an outside balcony in there, he started flying about again and i wasn't sure what to do next, when the poor guy smacked into a wall and fell... i was worried about him, but had to get him out of there so i threw my sweater over him and carefully carried him and sweater outside, was able to release him and he flew away, so hopefully he is okay.

so about the same as the last post. obviously i am not going to get any better at this shit... life or whatever... silly thing to say, but it seems true. yeah, whatever, just get off your ass and do your schoolwork, your dishes, your cleaning, and all that other shit... it should be that easy, eh? guess i'm just fucking broken... lazy... something...

and i fucking hate couples. i fucking hate seeing ppl hug and cuddle and makeout. it's even worse if it involves someone i kinda have a crush on myself. yeah rub it in assholes... i mean, of course i am happy for others that are happy and experiencing a good relationship, romance, love whatever... esp. my friends. i am just lonely and depressed... i even actually cried when i saw my psychologist yesterday, telling him how seeing a friend and her boyfriend cuddling at a concert made me go outside and almost cry... and i have been avoiding crying at the psych. office, i mean it's gotta happen eventually, but i am still not comfortable enough there really...

distressed rambles

2006-05-22T17:04:00.000-05:00

so i don't know what's happening now. it seems like i've turned about and given up. sort of. i mean, i haven't been trying to meditate regularly or even finished reading the awesome book i started reading a few months ago about meditation... i am in some sort of daze. i have been getting out and socializing kinda, drinking copious amounts of whiskey 7's and beers... developing new crushes... still being frustrated about the "old" ones... being frustrated about being fucking lonely. trying to figure out how these human mating rituals work, i hear sometimes people go out on dates-- i don't think i've actually been on a "date" ever ever... i've certainly never been asked... this is frustrating to me...
i have piles and piles of skool work(the piles are mainly metaphorical), of laundry(these piles exist in the physical world), and all sorts of cleaning and organizing to do around the house. i have to find a dentist who will fix the holes in my teeth that are getting bigger all the fucking time. i should look into getting back on prozac probably. i have financial aid paperwork that is holding up fall award possibly and i still haven't done it even though it's simple stuff and i have the documents i need to send in. i had dishes piling up for weeks, but i actually did most of those finally yesterday afternoon. my room is a sea of miscellany calling out for some sense of order. i just about hate fucking everything.

i started a new class today, a may session class - that means it's just a short intensive course- 9-12 m-f for the next three weeks. it seems cool, it seems like maybe it'll help me get creative and active and doing and making but i feel so not creative and not active and anti-doing -- mayhap more destructive if anything. i just don't know what to do with myself. i'm going fucking insane.

i am so goddamned scared of the world. i can't survive in this place. i don't know anything about how to deal with it. i can't even cope with having friends if i actually have them i freak out b/c i don't know what they think of me and i don't think they like me or i worry that they won't like me eventually when they get to me better or ...
i dunno, i just feel so goddamned small and scared and lonely...

i'm sure i'll be fine. eventually.

memories on Mom's birthday

2006-05-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

Mom was down to see me for a Flogging Molly show and spent a couple days at my place in Mpls. last summer.
We were walking around and decided we wanted ice cream. There was a Cold Stone Creamery near where we were, but I convinced Mom that locally owned little
Sebastian Joe's was the place to go... after that tasty homeade cone,
she agreed. It was a bit of a hike, but as she would tell you, it was worth it.

While walking home from Sebastian Joe's we found this bowling ball in the grass. We kicked the bowling ball about ten blocks... it was fun. I still have it.

This is a more recent photo, Mom dressed for chemo treatment, with the trenchcoat (that my housemate in Mpls had given her while she was visiting) for cover so she could surprise the nurses... Not that they were surprised, she was always up to something like that...

Mom striking a pose at Relay for Life a couple years back. This is an awesome pic, but I wish I had the one from last year of her doing a wheelie in her wheel chair, it was either the same day or day after a chemo treatment... and there she was at the Relay... ;)
Relay for Life is an annual walk to raise money for the American Cancer Society. The Duluth one is at St. Scholastica in July and a team of family and friends of my Mom will be walking in her memory. (ya wanna donate some dough? lemme know :) )

another pic from the Dragon Boat practices...

This is from a couple of summers ago when Mom and I went to the Carlton County Fair in Barnum, MN. I try to go every year 'cuz I grew up showing heifers and entering 4-H projects at this fair, my Dad's farm was in Carlton Cty.(he doesn't have it any more)... when I was a kid I was there every day riding rides, playing games, and running about practically from open to close. Anyway, there's Mom enjoying some delicious sweet corn on the cob by a propane tank piggie. Good times...

another pic at O'Donovan's Irish Pub, this before a Flogging Molly show at First Avenue across the street.
Mom enjoying a smoke after some delicious O'd's fish and chips and looking good. She was a hella sharp dresser, weren't she? I love that hat. My Grandpa has it now and I am sure he wears it with pride.

here's another pic of her post-FM show with Dave King. This one's after the Irish Fest in St. Paul at a pub called the Liffey.

This is Mom being wacky, apparently there was a cartoon with a wacky fellow going to Six Flags that was she is dressing like here, cuz she thought it was funny. It is pretty funny, though I never saw the commercial...

Well that's all I got for now. I have scads more on various cd-r's that are not organized well at all, one of these days, soon, I have to go through them and find the rest of my pix...

thanks for visiting and enjoying these memories with me.

I have somewhat of a dearth of close friends about Mpls right now, but if anyone reads this that knows me or sorta knows me and wants to join me, I am planning on going to O'D's to drink some Finnegan's and mayhap have some tasty food in her memory this afternoon. Should be around 5:30/6 methinks. Feel free to contact me to confirm whatever means you may have of getting in touch with me(pm, im, email, lve a msg here... ). O'Donovan's is the Irish pub across from First Ave, Finnegan's is an Irish Ale that tastes good and donates profits to charity. Mom loved the stuff. Guinness too...
Thanks.

more pix 'o me Ma

2006-05-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

this first one's just a test, to see if i can link to pictures from the family website...

that's Mom and Jesse, it's a practice for the Lake Superior Dragon Boat races that she participated in with coworkers from Fon Du Luth Casino last year. She did it right after a chemo treatment. She was hella tough.

Hope this posts, if it does, more to come... if not, more to come eventually I just have to put the pix up somewhere else first...

5/17/2006

2006-05-17T09:16:00.000-05:00

happy birthday Mom, wherever you are. I wish we could talk again...

maybe i'll post more later...

longing, loss, and miscellaneous woe

2006-05-16T21:24:00.000-05:00

i am desperately lonely and sad. and i realized today that, while i wouldn't say i lack a will to live, basically; i seem unable to fully commit to being alive, taking care of myself, doing things that are healthful and helpful for myself, etcetera... something like that. it's frustrating and ridiculous to whine about things i'm not doing that i could simply, in theory, choose to do...
it's just got me seriously wondering what is the point of being alive? I don't mean I am considering not being alive..., just really really wondering. I mean I'm basically alone in life and it doesn't seem likely that that is going to change, and I am really f*cking lonely. And i almost entirely lack a drive to make something more of life, it just seems kind of hopeless. So, what's the point?

maybe i should be on prozac or something, i dunno..

and tomorrow's Mom's birthday.
I really really miss Mom.

Mom

2006-05-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

This past New Year's... had about as much fun as you can in a hospital, eating Chinese food and watching tv...

Mom always liked to try and make things more fun... wearing shiny flamingo boxers to chemo, writing messages for the dr. on her body when she went on for surgery, putting stuff on her iv rig... ;)

Ma and Dave King giving eachother the business...

Me and Mom and my brother, guy with his head cut-off is a son of a friend of Mom's..., don't remember if this is pre or post FM show @ First Ave... if it's post I am hella hella wasted...

Mom and Hunter.

R.I.P.

Hunter got hit by a truck in February, Mom passed away from complications due to Ovarian Cancer last month.

Her 49th birthday would've been this Wednesday... probably I am going to O'd's to have a few Finnegan's for her...

Listening to Flogging Molly right now...

smoke, ashes

2006-05-13T21:52:00.000-05:00

sittin' here, fat, naked. sad.

2006-05-06T17:41:00.000-05:00

the old music makes me sad. it doesn't matter if it's something Mom liked or not or if we listened to it together it's not that, it's just like there is a weird divide... some of what i like and listened to often before Mom died is somehow indicative of that time... which isn't any particular time, just the time I still had my Mom...

it's all a a joke and so are you...

2006-05-06T16:02:00.000-05:00

It feels like jesus on the cross.
It's so religious in it's loss:
A graven image in the mud,
like when I shed my precious blood.

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

Atrophic interludes weave through my life far too often
for me to fight the biggest enemies.
I have no feelings, like love or pain, it makes me go insane
when I see what's happening to me... I say:

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

There are no idols, no heroes in a world of death.
It's all a joke and so are you,
and so am I... think? just look and see...
It's a fucked reality.

-- "fucked reality" choking victim

not that depressed, just love this song...

2006-05-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

"fuck you and fuck the universe"

2006-05-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

laying here listening to ryan adams and contemplating grabbing a beer or a whiskey + vault soda...
which is not what i should be doing
things i should be doing--
attending the last digital music synthesis class of the semester
working on a piece for my other electronic music class for turning in tomorrow
walking to the post office to mail out important paperwork
cleaning
laundry
dishes

among other possibilities of things that would be more useful than sitting here listening to ryan adams and contemplating drinkin' and writing in my blog.

hmm...

2006-05-04T10:04:00.000-05:00

quiet and dangerous
loud and perfectly harmless

;)
overly fond of emoticons

2006-05-03T13:56:00.000-05:00

my horoscope says i need to muster my self-discipline and let the universe know i am reporting for duty.
i don't know if i like the sound of that, actually.
i guess that means i should try harder, though.
;)

so i was feeling really shitty yesterday, i am not feeling much better know... or well i sort-of am... but...
i dunno...
jus' gotta get my shit together and do the things i need to do... and stop whining...

2006-05-02T23:14:00.000-05:00

i can't believe this... i am absolutely certain that i am irrepairable. my belief that the damage is too deep is just, well it seems unshakable. it's just not gonna happen. so what can i do if i can't find it in myself to go forward?
it doesn't matter that i muster occasionally enough of an energy or whatever to think i could change. i don't believe. i have NO belief in myself whatsoever in that respect. i'm fucked. i'm just a weirdo who'll always be on the sideline maybe tolerated but probably not liked.
and i ain't going to accomplish shit.
i'm crazy, that's that.
fuck it...

2006-05-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

i shouldn't think too much. or something. i am just sick of everything. it seems like noone actually likes me, just sometimes people take pity on me and are nice to me... or maybe just too nice to tell to me to go away.
i don't know what to do about it... i don't know why people don't like me, i couldn't explain what's so fucked up about me... people just don't like me. i'm just... probably it's just that i am needy and somehow that seeps out even if i try not to be... i guess i dunno, but ... whatever... maybe this psychologist guy tomorrow will have some insight... or maybe i should just give up on the idea of having friends... but i can't just keep to myself, i can't just not go out and do things... even if i don't do much of anything i find some way to rub people the wrong way...

miscellaneous jibber jabber

2006-05-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

right now i am being silly. i am sad and kind of angry and frustrated. smoked 2 cigarettes today. but i haven't done anything to combat it really. it's not like i can say i'm trying to fix things and it's not working- honestly. it's funny that i am thinking about giving up on finding a better path for myself or whatever...
when i have barely given this a chance. it's pretty much the sort of thing i usually do, take a half-assed stab at something, shrug and move on when it doesn't catch. i guess i am just lazy.
i can't expect to get anywhere without committing to make changes in my life and myself and following through. i guess there's alot to do in my life right now and i'm kind of overwhelmed, but being overwhelmed doesn't mean i should say fuck it and do nothing.
i don't know why i am so afraid of committing and working at making my life better, feeling okay, being content with myself, whatever... i mean, what have i got to lose? if one path doesn't work i can try another one. but if i don't go, i'm not going anywhere, and nothing's changing and i am going to keep feeling like shit. what the hell. do i need someone to tell me what to do and lead me through this? ridiculous.

i should exercise and meditate every day. i should figure out what i need to do and slowly and reasonably work on doing it. i should stop letting myself get so negative and not get so frustrated over things that aren't that important. really i guess i should try not to get too frustrated over anything. i need to try and have more faith in myself and my ideas and my knowledge and stuff. chances are i will give myself the same advice or at least some of the same advice as others i trust, yet it means more to come from them than if i suggest it to me...
i am rambling. anyway my head started to not feel so locked up and unable to work right and now it's all confusing and ouchie again. if first ave were open tonite i'd probably go out there and drink. crazy maybe but it actually helps.
dedicated to unhealthy decisions since... well i guess i didn't make my own decisions in 77, maybe 1980?
i should do something other than this.
like read, do school stuff, meditate, write in my notebook, get groceries, go for a walk, etcetera
yeah and not drink nor smoke probably... ;)

2006-05-01T11:06:00.000-05:00

thinking a little more about this matter of sometimes wanting to be pushed against a wall and fucked...

i was just thinkin' and i find this interesting... there's one person i have a crush on and when i think about the idea of having sex with that person, in my thoughts it's usually rough and/or somewhat primal
than there's another person i have a crush on and when i think of being with that person, in my mind it's slow and gentle

hmm...
of course when i actually find someone i develop feelings for who actually develops feelings back, hopefully that person will be someone i can enjoy both of those things and more... ;)

meanwhile, anyone got the number for a cute boy hooker? one that does girls...

more monday morning miscellany

2006-05-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

"i play russian roulette everyday, a man-sport with a bullet called life, yeah mama, called life"

i think this is right. sugar, system of a down.
-- --- ---- --- --- ---
i think i want to start a band called man-sport.
of course i have also rather liked
kuntsmacker
and
cunty mcroughlove and the pillars of manhood

hmm.
oh yeah, and on a more emo bent,
the martyr party

i think there's more mayhap i'll make a list.

so who wants to be in my band? ;)

monday thought 'o the morning, and Mom

2006-05-01T10:31:00.000-05:00

sometimes you just want to have somebody you can push against a wall and fuck.
or somebody that'll push you against a wall and fuck you.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --- ---

yeah, so last night/this morning(she passed away just around/after midnite) was the three week(i think it's three and not four) anniversary of Mom's death already. i meant to light a candle or something but ended up being out with some friends playing scrabble. that's probably cooler, Mom and I played alot of scrabble together.
Her 49th birthday woulda been in a couple of weeks.
... ... ... ...

hopefully nobody's confused but no there is no connection between the two segments of this post.
I miss my Mom, and also am incredible horny and sometimes just want it rough. nothing wrong with that, eh?

2006-04-30T17:01:00.000-05:00

i miss my mom.

pointedly foolish, tis i

2006-04-29T06:56:00.000-05:00

i changed the name. i hope that's cool. url is the same. i like the new title better, i dunno if the contents were as random and weird as the old name suggested. that was simply b/c of my using the screen name "random weirdo" at the tcpunk messageboard.

oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän| noun a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g., faith unfaithful kept him falsely true). DERIVATIVES oxymoronic |-məˈränik| adjective ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Greek oxumōron, neuter (used as a noun) of oxumōros ‘pointedly foolish,’ from oxus ‘sharp’ + mōros ‘foolish.’

this is from a comment i made whilst talking to my video instructor last night, she had said some nice things about me, as we were sort of discussing my lack of confidence in myself as an artist and other such things. i was telling how i really do feel that i have alot of potential and could do whatever i wanted if i just put my mind to it, and than that i don't... ;) and she looked confused and i just shrugged and said "I'm an oxymoron" and went on to note again my lack of self-confidence as an artist, as well as my lack of drive or motivation. anyway that was a cool lil' conversation. the comment itself indicates something i've felt about myself for a long time, i am an oxymoron, there are many things true of me that would seem to contradict themselves, for example being both shy/insecure socially and maniacally gregarious. being an immensely talented and intelligent person in theory but not so much practice. being good at brainstorming and suggesting ideas to others but not so good at coming up with and committing to and following through with my own. being relatively well aware of things that are causing me problems, yet not quite able to fix them. for example i know i have problems socializing and could tell you alot about what they are and how they manifest themselves but i can't just fix them. i guess part of it is that while i used to think maybe i could, i probably don't know exactly what the root cause of the problems are, what it is that's happened that made me that way. i actually used to think i understood that better and more recently have come to realize that is not the case. :) anyway i know that i actually can fix it and that's one of the things i am going to be working on. if i don't like something about myself i just change it... yeah... we'll see how that goes in practice, after all it's not like i didn't already know that was an option. but... yeah. if i stop thinking it's not gonna work, maybe it will ;)
well that got sidetracked and babble-y. anyway, blog name changed. lemme know what you think, all you one to three or so people that actually read this stuff....

i have to say, today was a good day

2006-04-28T22:10:00.000-05:00

this is an experience in taking an incredibly awesome evening and deconstructing it until i think it was crap. kind of what i do. compulsively rethink and pick over things until i find the cracks. i really should just say no. i am not going to do this...

tonite was the opening reception for the mfa and bfa shows in the u of mn art dept. i was feeling kind of wonky- tired and a lil' sick after lack of sleep, a morning of work, and not eating alot today. but when i get like that i get really open, sort of emotional, but really just open to experience- sometimes. anyway that's really how it seemed this afternoon. i went over to look at the art that was up before the reception to avoid the crowds and there was some really good stuff that resonated with me quite strongly...
i ran into a friend who graduated last year and really enjoyed talking to him about art and life and whatnot.
viewed performance piece involving burning sculptures that a friend of mine was/is(it's sort of ongoing) as part of the bfa show...
ran into my instructor for my video class who told me she ran into another instructor of mine, my digital music synthesis instructor, and they talked about me, about having faith in my artistic abilities, and she paid me a couple other major compliments too...
i should just accept them. and be glad in the other experiences and conversations i've had today that i have greatly enjoyed or been moved in some fashion by... i have a tendency to dig and pick at things and think of what i regret in a situation rather than what was awesome. and i have a tendency to find holes in things, like getting compliments from instructors about my abilities, rather than accept that they really think the those things... i'm going to try and not do that anymore... it's nice to feel good.

old wounds, scars, bleeding and whatnot

2006-04-26T21:50:00.000-05:00

former housemate guy came by today and picked stuff up. sweetheart, took time to hang out and talk to me about how things are going and whatnot. he's kinda been helping along with the buddhism, and whatnot, getting my head straight and shit. somehow i ended up talking about some painful incidents from my childhood... shit i have kinda bottled up mainly for years, though i guess it doesn't seem like it's hurt anything. i'm sure it has though, not having properly dealt with all manner of crap from younger days... i don't know what to do now, he's taken off back to wife and home and i didn't really get to go into it too much, it would have been nice to have talked more but at the same time it's not right for me to expect him to play therapist.
just not sure what to do at the moment. and i am sad additionally just that he's moved cuz i got sort of attached to him... but we're friends and it's cool...
i don't know if i should think more about it or let it fall back into the recesses of my mind- the whole matter of incidents in my childhood and teenage years that fucked things up in me that i probably have never really realized fully.
i do have a psychologist appt. next week, hopefully the guy i'm seeing will work out and i can start healing some of this crap. i could just put it out of mind until than... i don't know if that's the right way to go though.
the thing is with this shit, it's okay. that's kind of something i've told myself, i've thought about. even if life's been shitty, it's made me the person i am today and that's definitely not all bad. can't change the past. the past is what's made me who i am. and there are alot of things i like about who i am that go back to the bad as well as the good. perhaps more the bad than the good. even if i really don't like myself and am constantly putting myself down and regretting 3/4 of every moment of my life, if i really think about it, i do like myself. there are good things about me. and i would be a very different person if i had a different past, i wouldn't know the difference of course... but anyway i don't know that the person i would have turned out to be if things were different would be as cool as the person i am now. so i guess i should just be cool with having had a fucked up childhood and a fucked up teenhood... and just try and find my path now to be alright with myself and happy.

damnation and more headaches

2006-04-25T15:53:00.000-05:00

i keep almost starting to feel okay and get myself and go do things and than i start feeling like shit again and start crying. it's unbelievable. it's really really really fucked-up. i am pretty sure i am genuinely psychologically unsound. or something like that. maybe i need medication?
i mean i can't say too much to explain that except that i am letting things get to me and drive me nuts besides the obvious and important fact that my mother just passed away from complications stemming from ovarian cancer and on top of that it's genetic. why even stop smoking when i am going to have a deadly cancer within the next decade anyway? maybe that is what's really bothering me. but i keep getting obsessed with something else and it's driving me batshit. and it's not really stuff i should get into too deeply on here. probably i should be writing in my notebook.

part of this whole problem is that i think i want to be fucked up. i want to plummet. i don't get it and i can't explain it but it seems to be so.

i've joked about wanting to develop a drug habit that would totally fuck up my life so that when i got my shit together it would be special.

i dunno.

but i can't seem to shake this tailspin.

damned hyper internet obsession what hell wrong with me posting again already

2006-04-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

i am thinking i might just start smoking again because it helps and it beats sitting here not wanting to leave the house messing around on the internet. if having a cigarette makes it easier to deal with the world maybe it would be
better to just get a pack and let myself do it for now and quit when i feel more ready?

i don't know if it's going to help anything though. maybe if i just get off my ass and start doing. minus cigarettes. it just feels like it'd be easier for me to get up and get out there and do what i need to with a cigarette.

wtf?

i wonder if i should just try and it see? but if it helps maybe that just makes more addicted and i shoud still ride this out without smoking?

aagh.

damn damn

2006-04-25T12:10:00.000-05:00

damn

trying meditating today and just can't do it. mind keeps wandering and i ended up feeling worse. now what do i do? guess just try again maybe tonite before bed or just do it again tomorrow. maybe try loving kindness meditation. maybe give up on the whole thing and go get some whiskey or something...
bloody hell.
keeping this chronicle seems to be helping.
but i still wish i just had a friend to talk about this stuff with. guess i'll have to hire a psychologist.
maybe start going to a meditation center/group thingey... i know there are a few around here..
hmm...
just gotta find a way to convince me i'm okay, i guess that's what i am trying to do...

archeology and melancholy

2006-04-25T10:37:00.000-05:00

it's weird how some, many, of my things here at home, hell sort of even my home, feel like artifacts leftover from another life. it seems like i might have to restructure everything to get comfortable here again.
it seems like alot of the same music i don't even feel like listening to any more. not right now anyway, not as much as maybe before. that's just sometimes. sometimes i have to listen to something different. i am trying out Ryan Adams and also Whiskeytown right now.

I have to try and get my shit together with school. haven't even gone to campus yet, while i did just get back here sunday night. i might go to a couple classes today, definitely am going to campus. might even hang out at the electronic music studio and work on some stuff for a class.
dunno though, school might feel weird too. i'm nervous again, like for some reason going to familiar campus after such a radical change in my life is going to fuck with my head. i don't get it but i definitely feel it. then again maybe i'm letting myself get carried away b/c it gives me an excuse to avoid responsibility.

i think my main goals right now are just to meditate every day and get some exercise every day- probably just walking, but gots to be doing somesuch...

i haven't been smoking but i am waffling, not
fully committed 'cuz of liking to smoke. and i haven't been tested yet by being around smokers alot or going to shows/bars...

okay... i should go now. not taking up too much time messing about online/with computer is also something i am trying to do right now. i have a hardcore internet problem it seems... let it suck away way too much of my time... ;)

-- PBM --
out

toothache and headache and heartache

2006-04-24T18:55:00.000-05:00

i need a dentist i need psychological help i keep f*cking up my own head and crying to people to help me fix it. i guess. but there is all manner of perfectly good reasons for my head to be broken... but do i really need someone else to tell me i should take a few deep breaths and relax, try some medition exercise or somesuch? I can figure out that maybe I should do that, right? but it still helps to have some one else care enough to listen to my frustrations and give me ideas for sorting them out, even if i could perhaps figure it out myself.

and Mom's gone. keep reminding myself i'm never going to see her again.
all this crap in my head to sort out and i keep having to remind myself of this too... and i don't know what this latest has broken and what was already broken or if i am just obsessed with being broken because i want someone to rescue me. and maybe i am just fine. but my head hurts and i feel neurotic and want a cigarette but i quit and it wouldn't maybe help would just make cough.
my friend who's been putting up with my rants and calming me down suddenly doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore.
i tried calling one of my closest friends from way back and he doesn't even seem interested in asking what's been going on. and i don't know what to do because he's got all sorts of problems of his own to deal with.
my brother is too entangled with his girlfriend to be of any use.
my other real close friend is across the damn country and is super hard to get ahold of.
i do have another good local friend but she too has a lot of issues of her own.
so i guess i just have to take care of myself or something. it's not that i don't know what i should do, it just feels better if someone will talk to me about it and make a suggestion like they give a damn.
it's probably better if i just stand on my own.

here...

2006-04-08T19:00:00.000-05:00

mania. i am unhappy. i know nothing. i am...

i'm fine. alive, breathing, unwashed...(no water at my brother's place...)...

My Mother is sick and dying of cancer. Right now at this very moment. I am here and trying to spend what time with her I can. My Uncle is there taking care of her while she is sick, today she doesn't feel up to having us(my brother and I) visit. So I am right now sitting in a bar which has wireless internet, drinking cheap beer. I just ate a cheeseburger and some french fries.
Would rather be at Mom's side.
...................................................................

healing

2006-04-01T00:48:00.000-06:00

And out of the black box soul
a flower began to grow
and as flowers need sunshine
so the sun shone
and as flowers need rain
there also was much rain
a cool cleansing rain it was
and the sun shone
and the rain fell
and the blackness was washed away
and the soul shimmered and was no longer
a black box
but became a beautiful garden

pbm saturday april 1 12:50 a.m.

:(

2006-03-30T13:04:00.000-06:00

goddamn sick of being alive.
skipping class again
head hurts too much
had to delete a post i decided was unnecessary and embarassing.
wish i could delete my head.
i should go write in a notebook. i guess
i don't think i'm getting anywhere
back to the monday morning rant i guess.
ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

the ides of march

2006-03-30T12:07:00.000-06:00

well. nothing good going on for me. sort of. got too drunk last nite, passed out at a friends woke up at 5 a.m. all alone and stumbled home. went to sleep. alarm didn't seem to go off properly and i didn't wake up for 9 a.m. class. and i missed the class on tuesday too. super stupid. super duper stupid.

i shouldn't say nothing good. found a new housemate for when the guy here now moves out and it's pretty close to confirmed that she'll be moving in.

but that also means it's pretty much confirmed that guy here now is moving out.

guy i have wicked crush on as spake of previously.

but this is a good thing for him. not going to go into other's business on the live open internets but it's good. he's getting some stuff worked out and that's awesome.
for him. and so i feel horrible and selfish for wanting him to be here... and i am pretty horrible and selfish having this crush on him. and not wanting him to move out.
:(

and i doubt he'll keep in touch outside of chatting online, i just don't think he likes me that much. i'm kind of a fruitcake.

our new housemate will be very cool and i am sure we'll get along great and have lots of fun. but it won't be the same.

damn i'm getting sad now. i really like this guy. this is silly.

of course i'm really hung over now. my head is throbbing most terribly.

i don't know what more i should post here about situations. probably nothing. who knows who reads this damn thing? even though i know it's just about nobody. if not nobody. if you are reading this, i'm not dissing you. you should leave a comment or something so i know i'm not alone here.

gotta head off to afternoon class. digital music synthesis. which i am really behind in and have missed 2 classes and shit. instructor's gonna lose patience with me.
tho i am more worried about the class i missed this morning. just 'cuz that instructor hasn't seemed all that patient with me to began with.

i am quite fond of digital music synthesis instructor. and also digital music synthesis t.a. good peeps, they are.
must go.

getting better, mayhap

2006-03-29T00:40:00.000-06:00

that was bleak shite i posted monday. now it's early am wednesday. just a little after midnite. today was a rough day. i didn't do anything really. skipped all 3 of my classes, was feeling sick to my stomach, but also just didn't feel like leaving the house. let myself be chained to the internet, downloading crap, watching ebay and my emails, watching aim...
feeling really aimless and sad and powerless to change what i was doing. i hopped in the shower, ate potatoes, almost went to my evening class(that i have already missed 2 weeks in a row, this is the 3rd), and than felt sick to stomach again and changed my mind. thought about grocery shopping, cleaning, trying some school work, but ended just noodling around on the computer some more... called my Mom, who was tired, got kinda sad about that. felt really sad and powerless. called my brother, talked to him a bit about how i was feeling. it helped, than he had to go. went back in my room, considered cleaning... housemate was on aim from work and i ended up chatting with him. he suggested some exercises that might help. i feel better now.

the exercise i did was to get more in touch with my body and it worked- it was pretty cool, got me feeling all my muscles and everything -- got me aware of my body more than previous.

so i'm not sure how this has helped my problems in my head but i feel better. i feel like i'm starting to work on myself on a deeper level, for reals.

still don't know what to do about anything, still feeling kind of aimless and powerless and uncertain. but i feel less like shit and more like a person.

signing off,

PBM

my cheerful monday morning(3 a.m.) ranting

2006-03-27T03:15:00.000-06:00

interesting interesting-
saturday
i spent the day mucking about in the drek of the internet mostly downloading porno, though i also did my taxes.
my housemate spent the day meditating.

--
here's some happy shite i just now typed into word and am copying copying o'er:

March 27, 2006

My head is in a place that’s broken and this world is no place for me anyway
Things happen without me and I feel like less of a person
I feel like I am not a person
I have no worthwhile tales to share
I have no worthwhile future to expect
Present is pain loss and loneliness

I can’t be in this present
I can’t attend to everything going on inside myself with patient loving kindness
I just want to run
Cut myself, burn myself
Drink copious amounts of whiskey and bang my head against a wall till I pass out
How the hell am I ever gonna fix this shit?

--

don't worry, i am not actually cutting nor burning nor banging my head on anything nor even drinking copious amounts of booze... well, occasionally i drink copious amts. of booze, but not on a regular basis

i am reading about meditation and buddhism and such, but i can't chill out enough to actually commit or try anything. i haven't even dedicated myself fully to the reading i'm doing.

in part i'm just copying my housemate, cuz he's so together and calm
even though he's too serious and reserved. this isn't really true at all. .... .... ....
i can't figure out if i want him or want to be him, in part i feel like i am very interested in him, like romantically, sexually, or at least getting to know and trust him as a friend(and wanting him to want to get to know and trust me). none of these seem to be real options. (there are perfectly good reasons these aren't options, at least the first two. as for the last one, well i guess he just doesn't like me that much.)
at the same time i am just very very envious of the guy. he has and is much that i want to achieve. i find myself wondering if my desire to forge a friendship with him is based on a genuine desire and liking... or this sort of envy
it's a little frustrating. and all the more so b/c i am going to be losing track of him soon anyway, well not entirely... i'll chat with him on the internet. but he won't be around to smile and ask how my day's going anymore... a smile emoticon just isn't the same...

as if i didn't have other things going on in my life. i keep getting distracted by how interested in this damn guy i am.
it's probably just a strategy my subconcious(semiconcious might be more accurate, as i am somewhat aware) is using to avoid dealing with the real hardcore shit going on. i don't think i'm going to type about that right now. but it's serious.

well this is probably enough rambling for now. why am i posting honest and true feelings and shite on the open internets? well, why not? it helps get my thoughts out.

peace and all that shite,
PBM

so what, So WHAAAT...!

2006-03-01T15:11:00.000-06:00

yeah, I'm listening to Ministry. It's not exactly cheering me up, but I feel better, I guess. Today doesn't seem like a good day to me. I am up to my ears in overdue or due soon assignments and it hurts. I am frustrated and feeling lonely in life and of course "love" or sex or something. Just Blah. And I think I might be coming down with some real minor illness or cold type thing. Blah. Yuck. And I just want to go home and go to bed. The Ministry really is starting to help now actually. Stigmata. Fuckin' love this song, loved it since high school. Enough whining on internet.

It's kind of frustrating, I was feeling happy and energetic for a little while. Awesome new housemate moved in recently, Spark festival was really really great, and school seemed doable. Got some more financial aid money (gotta pay it back though, someday), and am thinking about blowing it on software. All good things it seems. And suddenly this morning/last night kinda, I just kinda crashed. Boom. Just started thinking unhappy depressing thoughts and getting hung up on everything. Now I'm trying to find that excitement and energy again, I kind of need it. To do stuff. Must be excited about the stuff I need to do and learn for school damn it, or it won't get done. Can't just sleep. Nope. I think it'll help my overwhelmedness when I get my computer at home and can do work their instead of having to stay on campus all the time to do stuff. Sucks having to sit around here all night when I could be at home with food and cigarettes and perhaps good company. I didn't used to care so much about chilling at school late nights when it was just my housemate who sleeps all day and works nights and other housemate who I didn't know very well and didn't really have a rapport with... but now I actually have someone cool to hang out with at home... feels more like home kind of... shit... yeah... def. cooler than sitting around by myself anyhows. So now I like being at home. And it does make sense that eventually I'd get sick of just hanging around school near 24-7 so much of the time... blech. Getting my computer, internet, and blowing some dough on some of the software I am into at school will make life better. Won't have my computer till the end of this month though. ...
Random Random babbling... blah.

Glad no-one's reading this shite, I guess. Though it does feel like a waste, but it's good for thought stimulation to write out my thoughts. or something. Self-examination and crap. Woo. Excitement. Except I can't put everything that's going on in my head on the internet, that's a little scary. I should really start keeping a journal. I just have this insistent paranoia about writing down things that should be private, that may embarassing... I mean things deeper and more personal that my yammering on here of course... I'm just too paranoid that someone else might end up reading them. I'm a woefully self-conscious motherfucker.
Anyhow, gotta book back to class...
thanks for reading anybody who may have read this. share your insights about how I may resolve my woe and whatnot if'n you have any ideas. I think I need some drugs. Mushrooms mayhap... ;)

ouchie!

2006-02-24T13:50:00.000-06:00

I just reread the last couple of posts. How embarrassing!?! I'm, like, almost 30! Blathering on about such nonsense... oh well, this is an internet web site, whatevers...

I want a banana popsicle.

Alvin Lucier kicks ass.

I go now, to electroacoustic performances at the Southern Theatre, part of the previously mentioned Spark Festival. Awesome awesome!

Gawd, Sometimes I Write Like A Twelve Year Old.

stuff and nonsense

2006-02-23T18:41:00.000-06:00

Hi! I'm updating my blog again. Two posts in a week! Manic, dudez.

Last night whilst drinking beerz at the Nomad I got kinda to thinking about stuff... or just realizing some stuff. Like this crush mania is stupid ridiculous. :) I have decided to let go of the whole lot of it. Crushes, meh. Well, not do away with crushes exactly, dunno if it's entirely possible to do that, but to not get all crazy when I have one or two or three. Cuz I realized it's no big deal, actually I have like 3-5 crushes of varying degrees going right now... not counting distant public figures... So why freak out? Tis silly. So, I think I feel better now. Mayhap. I still have a major thing for the guy I spake of previously, but not gonna make a big deal out of it. Just gonna be happy to be around the fellow and work on getting to be good friends. Totes Cool! Which is pretty much the course I'm going to follow with all my crushes.
So this is going to be an interesting new thing, just letting go and seeing what happens- totally not freaking out over peeps I get crushes on... Makes sense! Maybe I'm FINALLY maturing. ;) Yippee!

bloody hellish pain and shite

2006-02-22T18:29:00.000-06:00

hi after long hiatus dear and likely nonexistent readers. I am here to put forth yet more whining about the utter despair and black hole that is my unfortunate life.

Yup.

Or maybe I'm in a really good mood and insanely happy and ready to start kicking ass at everything... hardcore...

I have no idea. ;)

See, there's a new boy around, an unavailable but utterly perfect sexy/cute witty intelligent thoughtful kind generous guy. What to do? Well of course nothing. So am I happy that I know the guy at all? Or am I going batshit b/c he's unavailable and out of my league to boot? A little of a, little of b, of course. But the way to go is be chill and not spazz out w/ insane crush mania. And just be happy to have a wonderful new friend. Wisdom and maturity, I gots to get some of that. Sanity even. A level head. Chill.

In other news... while... other news is to a certain extent too unpleasant to launch into. So I'll skip that bit...

School is feeling kind of overwhelming... I keep waffling between being excited about my classes and being intimidated and freaked out.

Spark Festival of Electronic Music and Art is probably going to be rocking my sox off and stuff... click this spot for infos and schedule!
In fact I gots to go now to check out Scanner.

happy holi day days yeah yo

2005-12-24T00:29:00.000-06:00

greetings good eve and merry holiday season,
i don't have much to say. my semester is done with and it was painful and i feel rather like i got hit by a large motor vehicle of some kind or run over by a large mammal.... something of that sort. just went way too damn fast and i needed to do better... yeah. too much crap, crap, crap. hopefully i will be a better person next semester... better student... better artist... and shit. yep.

thnx for reading my end of semester whining. hope you are pleasurably spending holiday time and having fun.

bye!

making time for dentistry

2005-11-18T05:25:00.000-06:00

My tooth is finally going to pieces! this it not good. I have had a cracked front tooth for a little over a year now, been meaning to get it taken care of... had bad luck with a couple of dentists, didn't have dental insurance,... have had dental insurance for at least 6 months now but just been too busy. Now I have to take care of it a.s.a.p. cuz part of it just finally fell out. and the rest will follow any damned minute to be sure. lovely. I have to work tomorrow from 8-1:00 on a shoot, I will be behind a video camera. I have barely eaten because I am nervous about tooth. I have not slept because of the whole worried about not making it to work on time so staying on campus instead thing I've been doing worknights. That and fear that if I slept I'd roll around and the very very ready to detach bit of tooth that's left would get knocked out. Well than I'd still have some tooth, just a little stub in my gum with the rest all busted off. Yay. Probably better, right now it's a big portion of the front/veneer that's come off. I don't know how the bit that's still there is staying on. Shouldn't jinx it.

I have super bad teeth also, so hopefully after I get this fixed I will find some goddamn time to get 'em all cleaned and get my terrible cavities patched up.

Birthday in 2 days. Send $$.

the sun was born, and it shall die...

2005-11-09T20:55:00.000-06:00

Further
by Vnv Nation
album: Burning Empires (EP) (2000)

At the end of days
At the end of time
When the sun burns out will any of this matter?
Who will be there to remember who we were?
Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us?

And in retrospect I'll say we've done no wrong
Who are we to judge what's right and what has purpose for us?
With designs upon ourselves to do no wrong,
Running wild unaware of what might come of us

The sun was born and so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Without a thought I will see everything eternal
Forget that once we were just dust from heavens far
As we were forged to shall return, perhaps some day
I will remember us and wonder who we were

The sun was born and so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

--

i feel like something's breaking, again, today, and i have no idea why.

i don't think the whole "fuck-buddy" thing made reference to in previous posts is working, even though it's working fine. i think i just need something different from what i'm getting out of this... but i have no outlet for what i think i may need, and this seems to be the closest i can get... i guess.

argh.

yawnyawnyawnyawnyawn

2005-11-08T17:55:00.000-06:00

man, and i thought i was tired those other days! wooh. i have not had the sleep since sunday early afternoon when i slept till 1 p.m. cuz i knew i'd be up all night sunday night. but monday night, predict did i not. nay. i have had ever so many of the skool work assignments and needed to complete and some of them are rather overdue. i developed photographs yesterday and also had on friday night though was also tired and sleepless than. not as much as now though. By the by, there are 2 pix i took at the last DwI taping over in my myspace pictures section... that would be my Random acct. I also now have a musics myspace as Yertl B. McNugget. where I am sticking my maniacal little sound collage like thingeys I have made for electronic music assignments up. Just one there so far, myspace is being wonky so I ain't been able to upload the one that I have been up for the last 2 nights working on. It might happen someday that other things will go up there also or something. yep. very very exciting!

did i mention i am tired? i have a need to catch a bus to my bed and blankeys!

yawn mp3 for you to try

2005-10-28T06:22:00.000-05:00

i have started another blog, a music blog. click this spot, yo
that is it. i am right now having polysics and aburadako at my blog. yay blog! yay polysics! yay aburadako! go check it out!

once upon a time there was a girl who got no sleep...

2005-10-28T05:30:00.000-05:00


 halloween mash-ups! mp3's! you have till monday to download and listen to these!


 in other news, i have a headache, am thirsty, and quite sleepy. Hey, it's 5:32 in the morning.

 ooh> big news>

  the Walker Art Center are showing all 5 movies in Mathew Barney's Cremaster Cycle this weekend!

schedule: 
Cremaster 1
Friday, October 28 8:00 pm

Cremaster 2
Saturday, October 29 3:00 pm

Cremaster 3
Saturday, October 29 7:00 pm

Cremaster 4
Sunday, October 30 2:00 pm

Cremaster 5
Sunday, October 30 4:00 pm

  yay!

testing something new and exciting

2005-10-28T03:01:00.000-05:00

is there music there? is there? i hope this works!

i'm listening to Tori Amos right now, but that has naught at all to do with whatever's up above this text. am clicking publish now with fingers cross-ed.

brief update

2005-10-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

not listening to p-face anymore now am listening to

bastard pantsu

2005-10-26T06:10:00.000-05:00

good morning internet!

i am thirsty!

i am not dressing up for halloween, being a zero fun lame-o dufus or somesuch.

i am having such a terrible quandary about my weekend.

3 of my favoritest local bands and also some other bands i kind of like and one i have been wanting to check
out for a long time now that is not local
are all playing
in different venues
on the same day, saturday 10/29

1. Belles of Skin City, Mel Gibson and the Pants, Digitata, and 1 more
at the Nomad World Pub(linx in sidebar!)
2. Savage Aural Hotbed at the Cedar Cultural Center(Cedar in sidebar, need to add SAH link)
3. STNNNG and some others at the Whole in Coffman Union(linx-sidebar)
4. Garmonbozia, and some other bands most of which I saw one other time and super enjoyed, at the 7th Street Entry.
Benefit for Arise! bookstore(I should find site and link). there is an earlier aa show also but Garmonbozia is only playing the late show, and I have been meaning to
check 'em out for a long time.

At the moment I am thinking that my intentions are, if financially feasible, to attend early Entry show, than bounce
back and forth between Nomad and Cedar as they are across street from eachother.
I will see STNNNG next month. LUNCH SHOW! YEAH!
I am sure Garmonbozia will be here again, they seem to pass through very often.

Now that I have began to organize my saturday, I shall go back to wishing for cold water. I can't actually get cold water
b/c I am at the U in a computer lab where I am not exactly supposed to be at this hour, so I don't wanna venture out just yet. Must wait till official opening time in
aproximately one hour.

I don't know that there is anything I can do about wanting cheesecake today.

I bave been being on time for work this week by dint of doing this staying up all nite shite. if it works, it works. i
need my job. and it is extra time to work on skool work and art prj for art classes and such. except that i am usually to foggy sleepy impatient and such to do that.
like, i have a prj due this very afternoon,
which i have not completed despite sitting up all nite at computer where i could work on it.
i am ever so irresponsible. very very. sometimes. altogether too often.

Enough babble for one day. or at least for now at early a.m. time. it is entirely possible i will get wordy on my internet
bloggy later in day.
i have too much internet now. am trying to explore myspace further, have another blog, trying to establish webpage, online
presence at mnartists.org (i think that's the site... need look up and link...), also have suicide girls acct., they got forums and bloggy/journal space too. and i
have a livejournal but i have never really used it since signing up. and also i have a second blog here i have been neglecting. and of course being random weirdo
at tcpunk.com, mostly tho i lately have been lurking, seems not many notice when i post there anyhow...
aagh. aagh. aagh.

NP:

pass the soap, sing a song

2005-10-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

--------my life is now a soap opera---------

who'd a' thunk such things would happen to me? ;)

not bad

2005-10-24T19:40:00.000-05:00

so, some fooling around with the boy today, mentioned him in prior post. he's a real sweetheart. i'm feeling pretty happy, though a little nervous that he might somehow be less into it than I... but I think we're pretty much on the same page...

the problem with me is that I am kind of confused about what I want out of it... I don't really want a full fledged gung ho romantic committed relationship. But I like the guy. I want the guy to like me. At the moment, I think it's good. Really, I'm grinning ear to ear, but am still a little paranoid that maybe he's dissatisfied somehow or something... yeah.

I am not sure why I feel compelled to let the whole internet know this, especially considering I am not even all that anonymous here ...

Dorkus Dumbassus, yeah.

oh well, boy doesn't know about my blog yet. not all that many people do. so it's okay... might as well just piss it all out in the vast anonymous pool of the internet... (chlorine? whatever...)
(does this metaphor suck? hmm.)
--

of course I am still broken-hearted over the crush of 2 years that ain't interested in me. aagh. but then, the boy I'm foolin' with now and I aren't a serious item... we're going to move on at some point. hopefully he'll find a woman that will really appreciate him...

see neither of us are necessarily that attractive, though honestly i think he is(now that I know him, and before I knew him I didn't make a judgement, I actually do care more about what a person's like and value whole selves over mere appearances)...
and apparently he thinks I am too or we wouldn't be messing about...
i dunno. he's been single for a while, and laments not being appreciated as he deserves b/c he ain't hot and people pay more attention to looks than personality... of course, I agree. Hopefully we can help eachother a bit.
--

ah internet, here I go telling you all my secrets...

dunno...whatever

2005-10-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

so i'm feeling kind of blah. work's got me stressed yet, still have my job for now. Actually really screwed up this morning and was 40 minutes late but luckily I work with different people Friday and also wasn't absolutely needed before 9 b/c I was doing camera and they weren't ready to shoot yet anyway. but a close call nonetheless. Now I'm really thinking I can't sleep Sun, Tues, and Thurs nights. Just hang out on campus all night, get some schoolwork done/stay on top of my reading. No big harm in it really I guess... if I actually go home and sleep as soon as I can but I'm no good at that... blah.

In other news, there's this guy I'm fooling around with. We've just kind of decided to be "friends with benefits" 'cuz we're both single and horny. We haven't fooled around much really as we don't have a good location to go(he lives in suburb, I'm off-campus and need to pick up my apartment) and also he's always too busy to hang out.
I like having somebody to fool around with a bit, to touch and be affectionate towards(even if it's not a romantic relationship) and whatnot. Needless to say, I am also not having any moral quandaries about fooling around without being in a romantic or monagamous relationship. But I am just sad and lonely and in a way it hurts to have someone that close but not closer... I don't want a monogamous boyfriend girlfriend sort of thing with him right now, but I'd like more affection and more time together. I really want to be held and cuddled and whatnot... It's intensely frustrating. But the arrangement we originally discussed just involved being friends and also being sexually involved, as time allowed. I already feel that I'm being too demanding pushing him to hang out with me more and wanting more attention from him, he's just too busy- works alot and has a lot of school stuff to keep up with too. what to do, what to do?

Meanwhile, my Mom's having a really tough time of things... life is just going really shitty for her right now... she might lose her job/health insurance next month, is having some other health problems right now besides just the cancer, and has to try and move because living with my alcoholic aunt isn't working well but even though there's finally a spot for her in one of the assisted living complexes she's short the amount she'd need to pay to move in. It's insane. And her dog, they've been together 10 years or so now and she can't bring him with to the assisted living place which is really getting her down. My brother's going to look after him until she's well enough to get another place, she's not giving him up entirely. But it'll hard and she's already gone through so much...

School's not going too badly at least. It could be way better though. Gots ta focus, I do... and get better sleep too.

greasy octopus love

2005-10-19T20:00:00.000-05:00

i need a shower! i'm still on campus! what's wrong with me? ...i like sleep deprivation, but i am hungry.

anyway, been working on organizing mp3 collection and started listening to aburadako again... "greasy octopus"

if'n i knew how to put an mp3 up here... dang it. good stuff!

yay. more miscellaneous problems to have nervous breakdown over.

2005-10-19T03:42:00.000-05:00

gee, when am i gonna have something pleasant and happy to post here? well, i'm excited about working on secondary webpage for links, and may work on getting more shite plastered onto interweb hither and thither...

so, i'm terrified of going to work this morning. it's 3:45. i work at 8. this is a.m.

see, i am sitting up all nite in a u of mn computer lab b/c if i go home and sleep, i'll probably be late for work. i have been late for work the majority of mornings(m & w) since the beginning of semester. am on the verge of getting fired. i am part of tech support in u of mn's video production studio(s) in the theatre dept. the instructor of the class which i provide tech support on m and w mornings is quite irritated with my chronic tardiness and has tried talking to the guy in charge of the studios about firing me... luckily i have kept at least somewhat on top of talking to guy in charge myself and assuring him i do not intend to make a habit of this tardiness... so he's giving me one more chance, i guess. if i piss off the instructor of class i do tech support for again, i will likely be terminated entirely from the studio crew. i don't take the tardiness lightly, i'm not being late on purpose, it's very frustrating. it just seems like the gods like throwing stones in my path or something. of course, if i don't take control of my destiny instead of blaming it on bad luck, i guess i'm fucked. i dunno... but it seems that no matter how much i try to make it on time, something happens. i have diarrhea, get a nosebleed, take too long in the shower, get stuck waiting for a roommate to get out of the bathroom, can't find my keys/clean socks/some other important thing... aagh. and now i am scared that even if i am totally on time, the instructor is going to tell me to get lost and i'll get fired... or something... i am scared! even more frustrating is the fact that i really like the guy! of course, he basically likes me too... we kind of have a rapport, but he can't tolerate the unprofessionalism of my constant tardiness.
and of course i love my job!

so now i don't know what the heck to do. my boss gave me a chance to just withdraw from the shift when my tardiness first became an issue and i chose to try and stick it out and actually did show up on time for a couple weeks... but now shite's going all wonky again. if i'd given better excuses when it first came up, or asked to drop the shift, i might not be on the verge of getting fired. and now it probably looks terrible to start whining about all the stress i'm under and chronic stomach woes and whatnot... but i couldn't help it, i ended up sending an email whining about such things(tho hopefully not in too whiney of a tone... just over-explanatory i suppose) to my boss anyhow... and stressing how much i value and love my job there. jeez... i swear i stopped just short of telling him he'd be responsible for my nervous breakdown if he fired me :( ... ;) well, i don't think it was quite that bad...

i really don't want to lose this shift either, in addition to liking working with the instructor and enjoying his class, i really like my coworkers on that shift ... crappity crap...

links are going up, being organized

2005-10-15T13:36:00.000-05:00

Hi! This is some news! I am trying to comprehensively toss on links to all manner of places of great excitement on our lovely interweb that I suggest you visit! Some of these links are to sites featuring places or things you can visit in person in the lovely area known as Twin Cities and hereabouts! Do look at these links and go to these websites! Thee interweb is a magical place and I am trying to assist in your exploration! Go forth and explore!

even more whining and frustration and such

2005-09-29T03:30:00.000-05:00

tired and depressed, tired and depressed, tired and depressed. woo.
and i think maybe i'm an asshole. or at least some sort of idiot.
i need more sleep. i need more time.

aagh. i should go try and eke out some school work. but i just feel like slamming my head in a door a few times or cutting
myself or lighting some part of myself on fire.

i'll be fine. i'm just f*cking tired and overwhelmed.

sigh. life and shit. woo.

2005-09-17T20:32:00.000-05:00

(some of this is actually reposted from a post at another bloggy sort of locale)

Hi. been awhile. didn't have much internet access o'er the summer. now back in school.

Mom's tumor wasn't breast cancer, what'd happened was the ovarian had metasticized and spread to her breast. They did a lumpectomy and removed it and now Mom's doing a more intense sort of chemo. She's having a ct scan this week, then we'll know how well it's been working. Meanwhile she has to move into an assisted living arrangement b/c my aunt who she was staying with(paying rent, more than her room was worth really) and was supposed to be helping her out is kind of a drunk... and it's not working out. So she has to send her beloved dog to stay with my brother and cough up $$ she can't afford to pay for the rent there...

Back in school. seventeen credits. aaagh. cool classes. Electronic Music, Advanced Time Arts: Video, Photography, Grantwriting, and a Japanese History class. Lots to do. Hard to keep up.

we'll see if i keep the blog going... i dunno.
all depressed and busy and shit... who's got time for internet?

wshng4whsky

2005-08-15T03:49:00.000-05:00

hi!
we went to the Irish Fair and had an excellent time. The members of Flogging Molly are very sweet people! We hung out backstage during the show. I shot alot of video of it though I think the sound was shit 'cuz I didn't have a good mic and it would'n'a mattered as I was up too close to the speaker and I think it was probably almost always in the red.
They played an excellent set as usual. Dedicated a song to my Mom, made her cry.
She's gonna start working on a piece about her Flogging Molly related experiences and such. Not sure exactly what she plans to write exactly yet, but I think she is going to try and get the piece published when she's done. I think she'll do a great job. Can't wait.
We made it back to Duluth alright. That's where I am sitting now. It's chilly tonite!

woo woo woo waa

2005-08-09T09:07:00.000-05:00

trees are green and so am i...
it rained just this morn, early and just stopped... grass and trees and everything damp and dripping.
hopefully today won't be too hot again.
sometimes i think something must be broken
of course, most things seem to be around here
but am i?
hmm... is it me or the world? a little of one a little more of the other i suppose.
i suddenly crave something sweet.
i am looking forward greatly to the mn state fair.

this weekend! Friday! Harriet Island! Irish Heritage Fair! FLOGGING MOLLY!

and Mom might not be up to going cuz we need to find a ride home(Duluth,MN) -- she don't got the stamina for sitting on a bus for several hours.
and we're not sure how we're getting to the cities from Duluth either, but there are many possibilities on the table for that.
once we're in the cities, dunno quite how we're getting to downtown st. paul-- city bus, most likely... but we won't be heading home till sometime late at night...
cab, probably.

gonna see Flogging Molly though! hopefully have a pint or 2 or some whiskey w/ Dave and Bridget and Dennis and the rest!! Good times! :)

must go forth from the computer and find breakfast!!

Hello again Internet.

2005-07-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

today is wednesday. the sixth of july. usual headache and melancholy, maybe better reasons.... blah blah blah

last weekend, fourth of july weekend, pretty lacklustre... okay, i did check out a couple shows, but i can't even remember what... oh, an interesting band from Japan played in the Entry on Saturday. Orange Milk from the Green Planet or somesuch... they were alright.
Monday I hung out with some friends and we were going to do some cool shit, but my dumb drunk ass managed to get seperated from them as we were heading over to the Soap Factory... I ended up wondering around kinda lost(I wouldn't have been lost had I been less drunk/stupid, I had the address of the gallery in my pocket) for a couple hours then heading home... Probably for the best though, apparently I was being really obnoxious and grabbed my friend's hot boyfriend's crotch a couple times... Ack. The wayl she tells the tale is pretty funny, and being that I was quite drunk I was forgiven, but still... quite embarassed.

Here's a partial acct. of previous weekend and other stuff in my life from a posting of mine on another site, somewhat re-edited:

"DwI taping was awesome(that was the sunday before last now, or something like that, I don't even fucking remember anymore), as it generally is. Caught part of the Pride parade Sunday, but was busy wrangling cable whilst DwI host did some on the street interviews. Fun, but didn't actually catch alot of the parade.

Awesomest thing Sunday night/Monday morning... okay, mixed sort-of. Got kicked out of a party(sort-of... not going into it here, yo) but ended up hanging out with this sweet guy I have a crush on. We listened to records (anyone heard of the Virgin Prunes, they're awesome! Buying a cd as soon as I got the dough...) and hung out... smoked too many of his cigarettes, had good time(no, not that kind of good time, said fellow and I are just pals)...

Bad shit too... found out Tuesday that my Mom, who's been battling(and winning) ovarian cancer for the second time (since around Januray, the first time was about 3-4 years ago) just found a small tumor in her breast. It sounds like she'll be having a double mastectomy as soon as it can be set up, she's got doc appts towards the end of next week. I'm trying to figure out how to go there for a couple weeks and make sure I can pay rent in August. I was just trying to find a shity job to work till school starts in a coupla months, but since I'll be leaving town in a week or so...
It actually doesn't sound that bad for Mom, though she's really sick of dealing with this shit... she lost her Mom to cancer when she was 12 and one of her sisters 3 years ago, as well as a close friend. And she's seen other friends and family suffer from it. She's hella tough though, and I am sure she'll make it through okay.

And of course this has me thinking about my own health. I'm 27 and cancer seems to be hitting the females in my family younger and younger. I'm kinda freaked out. I'm nowhere near as tough as Mom and I'm already somewhat unhealthy, broke, and such. Damn. And it really seems hella likely I will have to deal with this, quite probably in the next 5 years...
I should quit smoking, exercise, eat better, etc. But I can't help thinking, fuck it. If I die, I die. I mean... It just seems really likely to my mind that I am gonna die from this shit anyway so what's the point in putting too much work into living? "

yeah, so that's a week or so old now. time is passing in strange ways for me lately and I've spent too much time sleeping and/or being angry and depressed.
this weekend looks alright, some good shows, hopefully I can stretch my moneys so I can see most of 'em. Maybe win guestlist spots from good 'ol Radio K.
heading to Duluth soon to hang out with Mom, having problems figuring out what to do for funds since it kinda puts a kabosh on my plan to find a crappy job quick. I'll sell some miscellany on ebay or something.
slowing down on the drinking thing, just seems smart. and I'm on a short term med that apparently will interact with alcohol to make me nauseous so for the next 7 days I have little choice...
okay, i'm hungry and sick of internet. later peeps.

fatigue and shit

2005-06-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

well, i don't have much to say really. i find myself getting bored of the blogging thing sort of since there's no-one to read it and fawn over my eloquent and exciting musings on life, the universe, and everything. well i'm aware that my comments here probably just aren't that noteworthy... well, until i figure out something more interesting to do with this blog so peeps read it, or some way to promote it so peeps read it, or something... well... i probably just won't post much. whatever. sigh...

i reread this after posting and noted i said well like half a dozen times at least. but fuck, why fix it? i wish this thing had emoticons. i don't know what to type in to look like eye rolling.

blah blah quack quack

2005-06-01T07:54:00.000-05:00

morning morning greetingz and salutationz. finally listening to Killing Joke some more, and they deserve even further listening. good stuff. though a glance at there website just informed me they are touring in the uk with motley crue. dunno what to make of that. erm, interesting. yeah. melikes ol' motley crue but... hmm...

so anyway hi! today is wednesday. i am going to sell my plasma today. i was going to sell my plasma yesterday but got distracted by exciting wonders of technology. i am eversofortunate, taking this excellent sound art class(scroll down, i mentioned it in previous entry), learning software for messing with sound! very cool! yeah, so far just peak and audacity (free! check it out!) but that's damn cool. and using minidisk recorders. also cool. now i want a minidisk recorder!

after having a bunch of blood sucked out, churned around, having the plasma extracted from it, and than being pumped back in mixed with cold frickin' saline solution... well of course my day can only go up at that point and indeed, it shall! cuz then I have spoken word poetry class! dunno if i mentioned that one yet. fun!

so, yeah. screw prozac dudes. just need whiskey and the word... no not that word... if i'm ever sayin' i found jesus and i ain't talking about a cute skinny guy with long hair, bleeding hands, dreamy eyes, and one hopes a big dick; well... find me and put me out of my misery please. ack. so yeah... words, language. yup. bitchin'

language and sound. and then I get a couple months of photography! yay summer!

hopefully financial aid won't cut me off for nxt academic year cuz I got even more fun lined up(not to mention that after I finish nxt year I'm finally frickin' graduating!!)-- electronic music. advanced video(even more advanced than the advanced video I've taken 3 times already). more Japanese literature and Japanese history. yeah. might end up switchin' some of that up but the first two are pretty definite and will totally rock of course most definitely!

i need to update the linx to the left damn it to hell... one of these frickin' days.

i can't believe it's already wednesday. that monday holiday threw the week off... but i got to stay home. and clean... woo.

i'm not sure about the Killing Joke. def. need to check out more but of what I got some is excellent and some is seeming kinda repetitive. methinks i am gonna switch to some good ol' faint, always a pick-me-up. missed their recent shows at first ave. sad. but had school busy-ness. oh well.

the blood brothers are coming soon. should be good, planning to attend. hmmm... yep. sure there are more shows i am hoping to be in attendance at but nothing else is popping into me grey matter at this very very moment.

did i mention the open mic yet? went to this awesome open mic w/ my poetry class thursday! for any poetry readin' peeps out there it's at Mapps Cafe in the West Bank area kinda across Riverside from Hard Times Cafe. i know Hard Times address is 1821 Riverside... it's free, 7:30-9:30, all ages welcome, and hella fun environment. i plan on attending regularly. not going this thursday but next week my class is going to go for the last day of class and our instructor wants everyone to get on the mic.

hmm... now i'm listening to the faint. but i am thinking it's time to start playing with sound again. convolving some shit! yomp! woo!


                  my squirrel poem
 
  fuzzy grey furred lil' squirrel motherfucker
darting to and fro
 nosing about
like a crack-addled
 street rat
looking for a nut
 to crack

stay away from me mr. squirrel!
I'm already cracked-up enough!

;)

millinery

2005-05-24T23:18:00.000-05:00

i'm in love w/ myself, i like the dark...

i am discovering a sudden overabundance of self-esteem... sort of. more on this tomorrow, bed soon...
did i mention i quit that danged prizzac? it happened by chance accident... i got sick for a couple days and didn't dose cuz of puking, and found myself feeling more clear-headed and focused, which was independently confirmed by my roommate's impressions of me... thusly i decided that experiment is over and done and i shall move on to more productive things like taking care of the shit i need to take care of, doing stuff, eating better, and exercising more... and, yeah, i am cuttin' down on my drinking. sad. i shall not quit, mind you. just try and use more goddamn sense...

must go sleep. night strangers whom i hope are enjoying my babble and idle chit-chat.

hating and loving hugging and rubbing and punching blood and puke and stuff

2005-05-23T22:27:00.000-05:00

so i haven't done much for a while here and i'm very sorry. if you bastards out there would read this thing and leave some comments, mayhap i would check in more often. i am beginning to think no one cares! it's so sad and lonely in the internets. blah blah blah.

so i finished last semester, sort of. and sort of okay. and sort of not as good as i shoulda. but it's mostly over. okay so i still have a ppr to do. kind instructor gave me incomplete and now i have to try and get the fucker done. alrighty.

i have very excitesome classes for this may session. three weeks of sound art and performance poetry/spoken word 101. bitchin' yah! hee-yah! woo-hoo!
in the spirit of sound art i shall share w/ you a discovery(prompted by my instructor, Abinadi Meza )

Iannis Xenakis

and here are some sites w/ mp3'z, yo: 2 at some asshat's blog, I found one here, and another long 'un o'er here @ his fan club site

check it, homiez, good shite!

recently I have attended kick-ass concerts featuring: Why?, Fog, Melt Banana, the Birthday Suit(or is it suits?), Deerhoof, Mindless Self Indulgence, Sole, Pedestrian, ... Um, I'm sure there are more, but skool has been hampering my able to go to shows so not so much as usual. I have intention of seeing the STNNNG this weekend at thee good ol' 7th St. Entry... possibly other exciting things.
music I have spent a lot of time listening to this past couple of weeks: STNNNG, Hymie's Basement(Why? and Andrew Broder of Fog together), Why?,Deerhoof, Circle Takes the Square