mskllneous rmblngs

 something I have noticed, and of course I have somewhat noticed this before but not quite in the same way... I mean, I guess now I am seeing it as a trait I seem to have that I need to find a way to change. I seem to be more likely to mourn the passing of good times than to be happy that I have had them. I am listening to Sonic Youth and thinking of times spent sitting up all nite drinking and listening to Sonic Youth and other stuff but lots of Sonic Youth in preparation of them coming here in the first week of Sept which has happened already now... anyway we had a lot of fun, and now my friend is reluctant to sit up all nite drinking w/ me for some reason... And the Sonic Youth concert happened so we don't have that impetus for him to introduce to all his favorite Sonic Youth. Am I happy that he and I shared some awesome times? Well of course I am somewhat, but more I find myself feeling really sad that it looks like we don't be doing stuff like that again. Hmm...

 And I miss Mom like hell. If I could find a way to focus on good times we've had together and be glad to have those memories...

  I'm hungry. Sonic Youth is awesome, but unfortunately the show wasn't quite as awesome as hoped though that was possibly b/c of their playing a sort set consisting of mostly new stuff we didn't know that well.

 The Flaming Lips also played, they were the headliner, they were beyond awesome. As ever, the song Do You Realize... made me cry, even while I sang along. I've had that song come into my head so many times...

 " Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face
   Do you realize we're all floating in space
   Do you realize happiness makes you cry
   Do you realize
     that everyone you know someday will die?

  But instead of saying all your goodbyes
 let them know you realize that life goes fast
 it's hard to make the good things last
 
 Realize the sun doesn't go down
  it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

 May contain minor errors I've pretty much memorized it from listening but have only glanced at a lyrics sheet once...

pain in head, kill everything

yeah what title says

head hurts

i think maybe i am just going to keep beating myself up till i give up and blow my brains out or somesuch. or i am not going to do that. but whatever the case it still seems that i am adamantly going nowhere of note. stale, stalled, something else that suggests a lack of motion of beginning with the letter "s" as apparently i am fond of alliteration. i have to think about the times i have felt happy and productive and figure out what was different about those times. there weren't very many times like that however. and even during those times it's not as if i found success in life, i just felt less like shit for a bit generally for external reasons like a really cool poetry class for example. it is true generally that having a good writing class helps me feel better because i seem to somewhat good at writing poetry. something like that. the problems though of not having many friends and feeling very uncertain of the very scant few i have and feeling very lonely and wishing for things other than the things that i have and generally sucking at life in general don't just go away. now it seems that some of my problems may stem from misplaced attachments... "unskillful" attachments, something like that. just seeing the things i have typed out. and also a severe lack of self-confidence.

 i don't really know what to do next. or i know everything to do next and not how to do it. an overwhelming amount of things that i should be doing when sitting here on the computer seems easier. i am scared of the world and of doing it seems. i have trouble getting off the couch and setting down my laptop just to make meals, much less leave the apartment and do important things out in other bits of the world.
 that's not to say i don't do anything. yesterday i helped tape three episodes of a local t.v. program. and i had fun and maybe it helped my self-confidence though it's really hard to say because it generally seems that i don't amount to much as a camera operator and even when i think i did good work i don't seem to get that feedback from "higher ups" on the crew. and it bugs me to be disincluded in things like planning and idea generating because i think i am creative and clever and very useful in a brainstorming session. of course it undermines what confidence i seem to have that they don't seem to think i am creative and clever and useful, they just want me to carry things where they tell me to and shoot what they tell me to when i am operating the camera. it seems often that they give me little credit for having a functioning brain. i mean, i like most of these ppl and enjoy talking to them when i have the chance to, but nonetheless i feel that what i am saying is true. and also it really doesn't seem like they like me or find me interesting or anything, everyone usually talks a bit more to a friend of mine who has been doing the show far less time than i, in part b/c she is more outgoing than i but it also feels like it is mainly because she is way more physically attractive than i(she is awesome, i don't mean these comments as a slight towards her by any means). meh.

 oh and i just found out that a bunch of Mom's belongings that were stored at my brother's were gone through and thrown out by some kid hired by the overzealous landlord to break into the house and start cleaning it out without any notice given to my brother. He says he was able to recover most stuff from the dumpster it was tossed into and most of  the stuff i was still interested in was already safely in storage. He had a really nice leather jacket of Mom's that was taken, and also the motorcycle Mom left him. Hopefully not the tools also, I am not sure. We got into an argument because it sounded like he was trying to minimize the loss so I wouldn't feel so bad and I just wanted to know the truth. I guess I just have a hard time believing he actually got as much stuff to storage as he claims since the last time I was up there to pick stuff up and bring it home. I know I had some special items Mom gave me there yet... Hopefully they made it out safely. I guess I'll have to make it there soon to get more stuff and make sure it's still there. Though I guess if it's gone it's just gone and I will have to accept that. He's planning on taking the landlord to court. And his girlfriend's sister, whom they were staying with and supposed to be renting from after they completed their garage and a living space above it, wigged out on them and won't return a bunch of stuff of theirs including valuable baseball cards left to myself and him that he had stored there for safekeeping. Fucking awesome. And there is still the matter of my uncle and figuring out how he handled things, b/c things seem to have been mishandled-- he was the executer. There's some weird stuff... and the way he handled things right after she passed away was pretty fucked up, the way he handled the funeral was somewhat fucked up, pretty much everything he was involved with was fucked... i dunno...

 I am getting so much closer to just giving up on all this and either dying myself or just going someplace else far away and, i dunno, becoming a mindless junkie or something. i have no fucking clue. just sick of this shit.

 so, circular, back to the beginning or thereabouts... i don't know how to deal with any of this and am failing miserably.
what next?

i like ice cream and wearing no socks

 crazy how sometimes i have trouble believe Mom really died... takes some getting used to I guess.

still ain't doing much of anything, have lots of somethings that need doing though, esp with school back on next month. yowie. supposed to have done projects for a couple different classes i got incompletes in. there are at least two things i should bust ass on and try and have done before the beginning of the semester or at least within the first week or so, projects for classes, I mean. Spark Fest 2006 is already asking for submissions and I believe they want them by the end of next month... possibly going to submit a multichannel audio piece and maybe try and come up with a video piece as well. One or the other or both hopefully. And need to contact the director about getting involved early on this time. It was so cool last time... Sorry I am in a hurry to go get some shit done but I'll throw up a link later. Probably I should try and do a piece that I can both use for my projects for my inc. classes and submit to Spark. I have some paperwork to do and a bill to take care of with the U too or I won't even be there this semester. Kinda been sucking hard as far as getting shit done. Gotta try and get it together realy quicklike. Plus my apt. is still a mess, laundry sorely needs doing, and i should be trying to pick up some extra money somehow or other... among other myriad miscellany. and my head's still pretty damn wonky. argh. i need to cut my hair. and dye it purple.

  thinking about getting a piercing or tattoo. prob a piercing, waffling on what to get pierced. probably go to st. sabrina's to get it done if i get up the nerve. i have a buddy or two i can prob get to go with for "moral support". it'd be cool to get pics or video of it being done... f*cking sweet. more later, supposed to be cleaning something.

grief and loss and stuff

So yeah, Mom's dead. Been dead since mid-March or so. That's how it is.

 For some reason, it seems to be getting harder to deal with the further off it gets. Lately I've found myself thinking about little details. Things from the past, times with her, things about her, things about her death...

 Tonite I found myself thinking about how my brother and I sat in the room with her body after she'd passed. Not crying intensely, or freaking out. Even making jokes and laughing a mite. For some reason now, I can't figure how I did that. I almost regret it. Like somehow if I'd cried more and been more bereft right off the bat, it would have been easier now. But how would it have made things better to freak out? If I couldn't stop crying or clung to the body or some such somewhat silly shite? I dunno. Probably it would not. Probably I was dealing okay. But why is it getting harder now?

 Of course this makes sense. At the time I could sort of shrug and be like, yeah, it's okay, death is part of life, it was going to happen eventually, she's out of pain now, etcetera... Now I know she's gone and I'll never see her again and it sinks in more and more with every passing day. I just have to find a way to deal with it. I miss her so much. Seems like I can't stop crying off and on lately. Just the past week or so it's really been hitting me. Hopefully I'll get to some point where it's a little easier to deal with.
 
  I should be doing more with myself to keep busy, to get things I need to do done, to be healthy and in good mental health, to bolster my well-being. Ya know, simple shit even that I am not doing, like sleeping regular hours, eating well, regular exercise. Keeping my apartment neat and doing dishes and laundry. Finishing work I am behind on from school. Seeing a dentist. Sending out miscellaneous mail and forms and paperwork that I should be getting out for various reasons. Leaving the apartment for at least a bike ride or something every single day. Getting sun and doing stuff. Not drinking so much. Not being online so much. Reading books. Writing stuff. Meditating. Finding ways to bolster my self esteem and a positive outlook. Not spending money inappropiately. Getting a job or trying to get some temp work. 
   Etcetera. As you can see, lots to do, lots should do, and mayhap if I worked on doing such things, I would start feeling more positive. And it may help to alleviate the pain. I am always going to miss my Mom, and always remember my Mom, but at some point I have to not let it hold me up so much or make me sad so much. Of course I'll always feel some sadness... I don't want to get over it precisely, just be able to make it through a few days without crying, even to remember her and smile instead of crying. That's what she'd want.

back in bloggyland and stuff and myriad miscalleneous thoughts..............

i like the dark.
i'm trying to escape the internet and drink more liquor.
i have a few friends whose company i enjoy immensely, though i could always use more.
and i seem to have lost a few good friends recently, but am waiting for confirmation...
oh well.
i also have many interesting peeps i talk to online. though i am trying to not be so wasteful of time on thee mighty internet.
i like to read books. i am currently reading cosmic trigger by robert anton wilson and also the satanic bible by anton szandor lavey. gee i just realized that makes two antons, sort of and i was rather thinking there are things these books have in common, the small bits i have read thus far anyhow. i am also sort of rereading a wild sheep chase by haruki murakami. of course since i am still spending far too much time online, this is all going rather slowly. i have a small vocabulary building book i picked up cheap too and am carrying that around. also there is the buddhist book i am/were reading- a path with heart by jack kornfield. which i am sort of on hiatus from, but will probably skip back to soon b/c i am thinking of having a go at the buddhist thing again now that i am starting to try and get my shit together, after a rather long hiatus from having my shit together in any fashion at all... my shit is still pretty fucked, but i am sorta getting out from under stuff... and trying doing things that i need to be doing... blah etc slowly and haphazardly with little commitment and not so much effort but stumbling towards maybe doing things that need to be done in my life... something like that... haphazardly fumbling with little committed effort... hmmm sounds about right... need more whiskey! i can put a little effort into that... lol... am i going down or up? who the fuck knows... we'll see... ask me in a couple months, if i am still breathing and functional...

 i am also trying some new things, looking for some new things to try, using the internet as an aide for finding my way.... can't say too much more about that actually, funny though i started this blog to somewhat anonymously express miscellaneous myriad thoughts without inhibition... well now i don't want some of my friends/peeps i know who *may* read this to know some of the miscellaneous myriad things i may be up to. lol... i'll have to start another more anonymous blog to babble about that...
 and then i'll give that url to my friends who i don't mind knowing about the stuff i am not disclosing now
 then i will do something i don't want them to know about and i'll have to start an even more secretive and discrete blog.

 dammit.

     i will try to be more regular about updating this, if you read this thing and have some thought to share plz do share a thought so that i know that someone actually is reading this and that will motivate me to bother to post more.

  i am going to go drink now. no, not that whiskey i was going on about, just some water. my head is sore and needs watering...

life is crazy. fucking fuck. i want it to be crazier... like a doing shit going crazy sorta thing instead of a sitting around doing nothing fuck this shit it's crazy sort of thing... something like that. wake up fucker! <<-note to self

miscellaneous mountains of unhappiness and woe

it's bloody amazing how depressed I am,  for a little while I thought the being more sad was a part of waking up and wanting to get more into living but now I am thinking, no I am really in a ridiculous amount of pain here. Too many things going south. People don't like me, I am unsuccessful and totes lack ambition, I am f*cking ugly and fat.

 oh well... I'd babble on more here, but I guess my housemate and I are going to go play some scrabble somewheres.

fuck this shit

i love ppl that don't love me back. that could be  my new tagline, if i were hip enough to have such a thing. that's my life in a nutshell i think. i mean, fuck nutshells, but anyway that's where it's at. there's some ppl right now i know that i would do just about anything for, and seems they barely have interest in...well i dunno, that could be an exxaggeration, but anyhow, ppl like me way less than i like them it seems... i mean there are ppl right now i would fucking do just about anything for and even tho they are def my friends, i think that what they would help me out with and what i will and even mayhap have in some cases, help them out with are on completely different levels. what am i trying to say? i dunno, i have had some whiskey 7's and some beers and well i have thought about this sober so i can assure you this ain't just drunken nonesense, well it's disintegrating. really i guess i could post more on this when i am sober. yep.

life...

another day, another moment desiring a bullet through my fat head...

"lol", that is so fucking negative, eh?

 i am just getting sick of shit... i can't function in this world, it seems like every time i start to get closer to another human, develop some sort of friendship or something... i do something to fuck it up b/c i just don't get ppl. i am thinking i should just give up on having friends for the most part... i dunno... my favoritest ppl i know aren't talking to me like they used to or like i'd like them too or at all... i don't know what i did... i don't know how to fix it...

so this is life, eh? fun times...

hello world

so i have been growing my social life but my academic/creative life is flopping... right now i think i am going to make serious efforts to get everything together... my life in general hasn't been doing well either, though i am happier at some points b/c i have been making friends/hanging out with people whose company i enjoy more often. but i have to get it all together. i can't flunk the class i am taking. i can't ignore my responsibilities, my housework, grocery shopping, and such miscellaneous things that need doing on a regular basis. i have paperwork and other things that i need to get mailed to various places. i need to figure out what to buy my Dad for father's day, it's coming up fast...
I am kind of feeling more alive and engaged... or at least engagable today... with life and things that need to be done...
guess that's all i got to say for the moment. :) life is okay.

my eyes hurt...

i guess i haven't updated in a while. not much to say, really. i don't know what's going on. i can't tell if things are getting shittier or better. i don't know if there's any point to anything. i am still extremely fucking lonely and generally unhappy. it seems the unrequited crushes scene is getting worse, though on friendships i guess i am doing better. i fucking hate this heat.

yeah, so, whatever. i dunno. sort of aborting the class it seems, though i am enrolled and still attending for the most part. but today i just ain't going... just fucked. stupid head is aching the heat is making me crazy i am short on sleep and i have no project to turn in... if you're in my class and you're reading this plz ignore that last part...

damn it i am thirsty and filled with rage at everything... argh.

there was a bat in my apartment last night, i thought it was super cute though i didn't want him flying into my head... he would find a spot and hang out for a little bit, then fly around the room 3-4 times then settle down again... then fly around again... he was sitting for a while and i prodded him lightly with a broom handle b/c i had decided to see if i could figure a way to coax him into the kitchen as there is a door to an outside balcony in there, he started flying about again and i wasn't sure what to do next, when the poor guy smacked into a wall and fell... i was worried about him, but had to get him out of there so i threw my sweater over him and carefully carried him and sweater outside, was able to release him and he flew away, so hopefully he is okay.

so about the same as the last post. obviously i am not going to get any better at this shit... life or whatever... silly thing to say, but it seems true. yeah, whatever, just get off your ass and do your schoolwork, your dishes, your cleaning, and all that other shit... it should be that easy, eh? guess i'm just fucking broken... lazy... something...


and i fucking hate couples. i fucking hate seeing ppl hug and cuddle and makeout. it's even worse if it involves someone i kinda have a crush on myself. yeah rub it in assholes... i mean, of course i am happy for others that are happy and experiencing a good relationship, romance, love whatever... esp. my friends. i am just lonely and depressed... i even actually cried when i saw my psychologist yesterday, telling him how seeing a friend and her boyfriend cuddling at a concert made me go outside and almost cry... and i have been avoiding crying at the psych. office, i mean it's gotta happen eventually, but i am still not comfortable enough there really...

distressed rambles

so i don't know what's happening now. it seems like i've turned about and given up. sort of. i mean, i haven't been trying to meditate regularly or even finished reading the awesome book i started reading a few months ago about meditation... i am in some sort of daze. i have been getting out and socializing kinda, drinking copious amounts of whiskey 7's and beers... developing new crushes... still being frustrated about the "old" ones... being frustrated about being fucking lonely. trying to figure out how these human mating rituals work, i hear sometimes people go out on dates-- i don't think i've actually been on a "date" ever ever... i've certainly never been asked... this is frustrating to me...
  i have piles and piles of skool work(the piles are mainly metaphorical), of laundry(these piles exist in the physical world), and all sorts of cleaning and organizing to do around the house. i have to find a dentist who will fix the holes in my teeth that are getting bigger all the fucking time. i should look into getting back on prozac probably. i have financial aid paperwork that is holding up fall award possibly and i still haven't done it even though it's simple stuff and i have the documents i need to send in. i had dishes piling up for weeks, but i actually did most of those finally yesterday afternoon. my room is a sea of miscellany calling out for some sense of order. i just about hate fucking everything.

 i started a new class today,  a may session class - that means it's just a short intensive course- 9-12 m-f for the next three weeks. it seems cool, it seems like maybe it'll help me get creative and active and doing and making but i feel so not creative and not active and anti-doing -- mayhap more destructive if anything. i just don't know what to do with myself. i'm going fucking insane.

 i am so goddamned scared of the world. i can't survive in this place. i don't know anything about how to deal with it. i can't even cope with having friends if i actually have them i freak out b/c i don't know what they think of me and i don't think they like me or i worry that they won't like me eventually when they get to me better or ...
 i dunno, i just feel so goddamned small and scared and lonely...

 i'm sure i'll be fine. eventually.

memories on Mom's birthday

 






Mom was down to see me for a Flogging Molly show and spent a couple days at my place in Mpls. last summer.
 We were walking around and decided we wanted ice cream. There was a Cold Stone Creamery near where we were, but I convinced Mom that locally owned little
Sebastian Joe's was the place to go... after that tasty homeade cone,
she agreed. It was a bit of a hike, but as she would tell you, it was worth it.





  While walking home from Sebastian Joe's we found this bowling ball in the grass. We kicked the bowling ball about ten blocks... it was fun. I still have it.



  This is a more recent photo, Mom dressed for chemo treatment, with the trenchcoat (that my housemate in Mpls had given her while she was visiting) for cover so she could surprise the nurses... Not that they were surprised, she was always up to something like that...




  Mom striking a pose at Relay for Life a couple years back. This is an awesome pic, but I wish I had the one from last year of her doing a wheelie in her wheel chair, it was either the same day or day after a chemo treatment... and there she was at the Relay... ;)
 Relay for Life is an annual walk to raise money for the American Cancer Society. The Duluth one is at St. Scholastica in July and a team of family and friends of my Mom will be walking in her memory. (ya wanna donate some dough? lemme know :) )

 



  another pic from the Dragon Boat practices...





  This is from a couple of summers ago when Mom and I went to the Carlton County Fair in Barnum, MN. I try to go every year 'cuz I grew up showing heifers and entering 4-H projects at this fair, my Dad's farm was in Carlton Cty.(he doesn't have it any more)... when I was a kid I was there every day riding rides, playing games, and running about practically from open to close. Anyway, there's Mom enjoying some delicious sweet corn on the cob by a propane tank piggie. Good times...





 another pic at O'Donovan's Irish Pub, this before a Flogging Molly show at First Avenue across the street.
 Mom enjoying a smoke after some delicious O'd's fish and chips and looking good. She was a hella sharp dresser, weren't she? I love that hat. My Grandpa has it now and I am sure he wears it with pride.


 

here's another pic of her post-FM show with Dave King. This one's after the Irish Fest in St. Paul at a pub called the Liffey.




This is Mom being wacky, apparently there was a cartoon with a wacky fellow going to Six Flags that was she is dressing like here, cuz she thought it was funny. It is pretty funny, though I never saw the commercial...

Well that's all I got for now. I have scads more on various cd-r's that are not organized well at all, one of these days, soon, I have to go through them and find the rest of my pix...

  thanks for visiting and enjoying these memories with me.


I have somewhat of a dearth of close friends about Mpls right now, but if anyone reads this that knows me or sorta knows me and wants to join me, I am planning on going to O'D's to drink some Finnegan's and mayhap have some tasty food in her memory this afternoon. Should be around 5:30/6 methinks. Feel free to contact me to confirm whatever means you may have of getting in touch with me(pm, im, email, lve a msg here... ). O'Donovan's is the Irish pub across from First Ave, Finnegan's is an Irish Ale that tastes good and donates profits to charity. Mom loved the stuff. Guinness too...
Thanks.

more pix 'o me Ma

 this first one's just a test, to see if i can link to pictures from the family website...

  that's Mom and Jesse, it's a practice for the Lake Superior Dragon Boat races that she participated in with coworkers from Fon Du Luth Casino last year. She did it right after a chemo treatment. She was hella tough.

 Hope this posts, if it does, more to come... if not, more to come eventually I just have to put the pix up somewhere else first...

5/17/2006

 happy birthday Mom, wherever you are. I wish we could talk again...



 maybe i'll post more later...

longing, loss, and miscellaneous woe

   i am desperately lonely and sad. and i realized today that, while i wouldn't say i lack a will to live, basically; i seem unable to fully commit to being alive, taking care of myself, doing things that are healthful and helpful for myself, etcetera... something like that. it's frustrating and ridiculous to whine about things i'm not doing that i could simply, in theory, choose to do...
it's just got me seriously wondering what is the point of being alive? I don't mean I am considering not being alive..., just really really wondering. I mean I'm basically alone in life and it doesn't seem likely that that is going to change, and I am really f*cking lonely. And i almost entirely lack a drive to make something more of life, it just seems kind of hopeless. So, what's the point?

maybe i should be on prozac or something, i dunno..



 and tomorrow's Mom's birthday.
I really really miss Mom.

Mom

This past New Year's... had about as much fun as you can in a hospital, eating Chinese food and watching tv...


Mom always liked to try and make things more fun... wearing shiny flamingo boxers to chemo, writing messages for the dr. on her body when she went on for surgery, putting stuff on her iv rig... ;)





Ma and Dave King giving eachother the business...





Me and Mom and my brother, guy with his head cut-off is a son of a friend of Mom's..., don't remember if this is pre or post FM show @ First Ave... if it's post I am hella hella wasted...






Mom and Hunter.


R.I.P.


Hunter got hit by a truck in February, Mom passed away from complications due to Ovarian Cancer last month.


Her 49th birthday would've been this Wednesday... probably I am going to O'd's to have a few Finnegan's for her...


Listening to Flogging Molly right now...

smoke, ashes

sittin' here, fat, naked. sad.

the old music makes me sad. it doesn't matter if it's something Mom liked or not or if we listened to it together it's not that, it's just like there is a weird divide... some of what i like and listened to often before Mom died is somehow indicative of that time... which isn't any particular time, just the time I still had my Mom... 

it's all a a joke and so are you...

It feels like jesus on the cross.
It's so religious in it's loss:
A graven image in the mud,
like when I shed my precious blood.

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

Atrophic interludes weave through my life far too often
for me to fight the biggest enemies.
I have no feelings, like love or pain, it makes me go insane
when I see what's happening to me... I say:

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

There are no idols, no heroes in a world of death.
It's all a joke and so are you,
and so am I... think? just look and see...
It's a fucked reality.


-- "fucked reality" choking victim

not that depressed, just love this song...