i don't understand this shit. i seem to get a little spurt of uh... ambition or hope or something, and start to do stuff. then i don't follow through on whatever i started to get done and go all wonky and depressed again. like, i'm a little scared. not that i'm going to go and die or something. that's just not something i can do, for better or worse. more worried about interpersonal relations, having friends, stuff like that. i am not sure how to explain my worry, or rather don't quite have words. guess it's that i seem to be fumbling and straining the few friendships i have... and i'm scared that i'm just not meant to have friends, that i really can't interact with other people on a deep level... something like that... can't go into it too much now, got to get ready for work.

kicking myself for taking this shift when i would have had the day off, but it's more money and i'm kinda worried that i won't be able to hold down this job for that long so i should get what i can.


don't know what to do... :/

redundant addendum to previous thoughts posted:

doing = better than not doing

--

I just made some calls and made some plans to pay off moneys owed to the Univ. (and got a bunch of accumulated late payments wiped from my bill so long as I go pay them a.s.a.p. - like almost $200 in late fees!), made plans to take care of my overdue financial aid payments also- well pay what I have to and then fill out deferral paperwork, and I made an appointment for Thursday morning with my academic advisor to see what my options are and what I need to do to get back into classes and to graduate.
yay.
cuz I frickin' miss being a student.
of course than I'll have other issues b/c graduating also means not being a student anymore. ;) eep.
but then maybe I can think about grad school or something. ;)

yay me.

I guess I should make some calls about the medical assistance/medicare shit now.

cuz

doing = better than not doing
and
action begets more action

okay. well, yesterday wasn't wasted though I really didn't end up doing any of the things on my to do list.
went to see friend at his 'puter and bike fixing shop, he's working on my sick g4 laptop for me. hung w/ him for a few hours, and we decided to replace the hd for now- my old one has a shit ton of bad sectors. uh. it's toast more or less. he had things to do so I went to the big computer store in the suburbs on my own. :) on my bike. I finally used the greenway(nice bike trails)... 5 miles each way the ride was. It was awesome. I need to ride my bike more and of course, I really need to get to know my way around better. Made me feel good doing that. And maybe strong and self-sufficient and stuff too. Made me want to be healthier and stronger, have a better functioning body.
yeah. so yesterday was alright. Of course I hung around computer store so long that when I finally got back to my friend's shop, he'd had to head home. But I'll bring him the hd today. And I might do my laundry this morning before work, ok, I doubt that. I am thinking I might just drop a ten spot on a pair of khaki's at work (target) since mine have gotten a little dingy. but it's cool that I actually feel like I could do laundry before work. so, action begets action-- the more I do, the more I want to/feel capable of doing.

I'm working on being strong, competent, confident, NOT NEEDY. I have this incredible weird needy streak in me... and it puts people off... and of course means I am wobbly and, er, dependent. something like that. wobbly and dependent is not strong and independent. I'm feeling a mite wobbly now, heh. Trying to comprehend whatever it is I am trying to comprehend. ;) Anyway during the course of some friendly/jestful banter with an online aquaintance, random cute boy kol-er I happened to get into conversation with, ... I'd said something about being mopey/emo and he said emo was out, and when I asked him what was in than, he said "confidence". It wasn't apropos of anything to do w/ me, intentionally, this person barely knows me at all; but it's sat in my head making me think about how I need to more self-confident. Strong and independent. Not needy. I have a friend, who's not really my friend anymore b/c he feels I'm too needy. well, hell, I guess there are a couple people I've lost for that reason. Though one was someone I've known for 3-4 years in "real life" (not just online) and I just saw him the other day and asked about hanging out sometime and confirmed again(already discussed/already knew) that he's not interested in being friends anymore like that b/c I'm "too needy".
I think I might have almost lost my bike/'puter fixing friend for the same sort of reasons. Not really sure but there was a while when we dropped out of touch...

so anyway, not being needy. being confident. being self-sufficient... not needing others to validate my self-worth. uh, stuff to work on. :)
--

sometime or other this summer, I am thinking it might be neat to try and take a bike trip all the way to up to Duluth/Superior. Need to look into how that would work and if my bike friend would be interested in joining me. It could be pretty cool. In the meantime, ride more and try and learn more about navigating the city(and surrounding stuff).

--

I fucking didn't use my turns up again in kol, on either of my hc runs, nor the hc acct. I'm running for a friend. My softcore accts. have been neglected for a while.
And I guess I really don't care that much about that anymore. I am going to donate for a couple Mr. A's now that I have the cash to do so... but I'm really not sure where my KoL playing is headed. It's still fun, though can be a bummer sometimes cuz of all that's transpired via KoL and changed or been lost. Have entertained the idea of quitting. I guess I still have friends on there. I dunno. I do still enjoy the game, and I still enjoy chatting, playing games, and holding games in /games. *shrug* We'll see where that goes, I guess. Anyone who's wandered over here who doesn't know, KoL is a free online sort of rpg that I have been obsessively playing for a few months kingdomofloathing.com. It's more than a game, there are chat rooms and clans where players can interact, socialize, form communities, ...

--

Been thinking about school. needing to explore my options, fix what I can... Should see if I can make an appointment w/ my advisor tomorrow though I guess that could be a mite unnecessarily quicklike. But it might actually be plausible to take 6 credits over the summer. Paying out of pocket. Hmm. *deep breath*
might be more sensible to wait a bit longer and be sure I'm going to be at this job for a bit.

If I decide to stay at this job for a bit. I am planning to apply to work at big computer store in the suburbs, the one I went to yesterday. Figuring I could learn stuff and get a sweet discount on stuff and that would be hella cool. And I already know I can ride my bike out there easily enough. :D
woot. They have an application online, should maybe do that tonite. Have to decide if I want to try and have to jobs, see if I can do one ft and one pt. Though I figure I'd want the 'puter store job as my full time. Hmm.

I need to be careful and not overwhelm myself. Nor get distracted from things that really really imperatively must be done soon, like sorting out my medical assistance/medicare eligibility and filling out paperwork to sort out my financial aid debt....

gah.

-
Not really sure what the point of this whole blog is. No-one reads it, and I really wouldn't expect anyone to be that interested in my day-to-day ramblings about either things I'm sad and/or angry about or things I should be doing. lolz. But it's helping my wee lil' brain process I think, and that's good. So why not?

5/14

things i intended to do today that probably won't get done

go downtown and check in w/ someone at whatever office I need to go to about my medical assitance/medicare eligibility or lack thereof
go to the financial aid office at the u. to try and take care of some stuff.
something else i forgot
laundry
bring promo stuff for first ave around town

i wish i could remember the one i forgot, i guess i should have made this list sooner. i think it involved going somewhere too and it was kind of important. oh, well there's calling nip about getting some counseling or whatever through them... mental health issues and whatnot. :/ see earlier posts ;) can ya tell i'm a wee bit not right up there? nip= neighborhood involvement program. they got different, uh social services... er...programs...er things to help low income peeps... yeah... I called them a couple of weeks or so and then when they called me back I never returned their calls. :/

i still think there's something i'm forgetting.

anyway i guess probably i will sleep and mope all day instead.

yay.

meanwhile the cats that aren't mine and don't fucking belong here being very reluctantly fed and looked after by me for a mostly thankless friend... and there's even a little more to it than that... uh, anyway, one of them is puking again. maybe it's even on my bed again. little rapscallians. i seriously need these fucking animals out of here before my head explodes. i'm starting to feel like i live in a big litterbox. :/

i think i'm just going to puke on the cat.

- - - - - - - - -

crying again. what now?

hmmph.

wow, i was a really fun motherfucker last night, wasn't I? good thing noone actually reads this blog. lol. that was a wee bit melodramatic. and could easily be taken the "wrong" way. or something. just being a tad rambledy. a tad maudlin. :) of course I'm just fine. just venting, possibly too much.

aagh. and it was mother's day, i really shoulda been posting about my mom. After all I almost started crying at work the other day cuz someone was buying some silly lil' thing that is something I would have liked to get her. and today just cuz of random customers saying "happy mothers' day".

I's got a bad habit of pushing aside the things I really should be being maudlin about, the real serious stuff, and letting myself get caught up things that really shouldn't be all that important.

I don't know what I would be doing today were Mom alive. probably would've just talked to her on the phone, sent a package or card mayhap. Her b-day is on the 17th, so not sure when I would have/would end up heading to Duluth to hang with her. guess since the 17th is a weekday and chances are I might still be in school then... maybe I would have spent today with her. Maybe woulda gone out to dinner with her and my brother, seen a movie, gone bowling, ... something like that.
played a few scrabble games. :) I really miss playing scrabble with Mom.

--

a little more on last nite's posting... it's not really about love or sex, just friendships that seem to maybe have been lost. or not lost even, but changed. it may sound like what I was venting about was a lost opportunity at love or sex or something like that. and well... maybe there is a little of that there too, I guess. But that's not where my frustrations lie. nor is it about being jealous. and it's really kind of mixed up, cuz it's a response to a couple different situations, and being sad and lonely in general. well I'm trying to clarify on the off chance that someone that my rambling actually has some relevance to actually happens to read this stuff. But I guess if they do, they should just talk to me. Ah, and I guess that's a fair chunk of what it is that's got me so up in arms. A simple matter of missing talking to someone. Or, missing having someone to talk to. well that's part of it, anyway.
ha, I make sense. ;)

---

bunnyrabbits, satan, cheese, and milk.

till next time...

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall

-- -- -- -- - -

a mish mash of confusing miscellany in a world of maybes now lost and gone.
looking for revelations
or maybe salvation
or maybe just a shoulder
to lay my lonely head upon
lost and
losing
a world of maybes
now lost and gone
a mish-mash
of confusing miscellany
i can't explain
i only know it's gone
and i don't really know
what to do now

a bullet in my brain
is nonesense
only to make others see
that something else should have been?
to air my frustration somehow
make someone sad
make them regret

utter foolishness

:)

but i really don't know what do with myself sometimes

more people to forget about i guess

:/

more crossed off the list of friends.

:/

dread weary emoticons.

bleh.

all i know how to say anymore.

bleh. meh. blargh. argh. :/

but do i have any real desire to die?

or is it just spite?

and do i have any real desire to say "piss off"
and just cut ties myself with people who once strove to be my friend
or maybe even my lover
or something in between
people who strove to let me know I was worth something to them
worth their time and effort
and then decided that I'm really not?
what of it?
their loss?
:/
meh
blargh.
argh.
ergh.
blergh.
:/

pondering and whatnot

ok. I'm not suicidal. I But I am really stuck. Trying to figure shit out...
what I have found myself pondering is the question of what I have to look forward to, reastically.
though I guess I don't know ... of course, who can see the future after all?
but it seems really bleak.

---

what is really eating at me right now is not being to able to handle/form/have/keep close friendships.
well
somewhat more specifically
what do you do when someone who tried to convince you that you were worth their time, their friendship; changes their mind?

I mean, that kind of just affirms the idea that I'm a piece of shit asshole
eh?

it's like 'oh you're right, you really are a fucked up asshole' from someone who was trying to convince me otherwise

---

i really don't think i've got too much to look forward to. life is still always interesting enough and full of enough possibility that i wouldn't want to end it... but...
i'm having trouble mustering the... i dunno, wherewithal, whatever, to really explore it and see what i can do with it, life, i mean...
what's the point? everything seems to end in tears... for me, anyway
---
all kinds of awesome people are slogging away doing all manner of fun, creative, and/or meaningful things; through troubles much greater and more real than mine
and of course there are many many others struggling w/ more or less and doing worse as well
it's all relative
---

i still have no idea how to accomplish the things i would need to accomplish to really live, o er, or even what those things are.
but does anyone?

time to smoke another cigarette and play some more KoL. :/

how the hell do i deal with this shit?

stomach ache and other wounds

so
wednesday morning, got to temp agency on time, got cut b/c they overbooked people for the job they were going to send me out to.
so i returned home and spend most of the day poking through my mp3 collection and throwing together a mix cd for a friend.
feeling cheerful, i nipped into the vodka and of course had too much and fell asleep early w/out even finishing stuff in the online rpg thing I've been playing, KoL, which, when I woke post-rollover, I wasn't too happy about it all, being that it was a stat day so I would have gotten bonus stats for each turn played... uh, basically. And I didn't eat, which gets me additional turns. and I'm in hardcore, which means I really needed those stats and turns, damn it.
er, and now, well, i haven't been able to sleep. i got started thinking about one of the friendships started and then killed through me being a dumbass(something like that, don't want to get into specifics here) and, well, can't sleep. basically. and my stomach is all knotted up, whether it's feeling tense/stressy or that i'm not sleeping when i should be, or from drinking earlier, not really sure, probably combination of all those. so i decided not to go to the temp agency in an hour. been up all night and feel ill and sad.

so back to where i was a couple of days ago.

though i suppose in theory instead of getting pissed at life and myself and letting myself wallow in these frustrations again, i could try and make some good decisions anyway, get some sleep and go apply at Target and JimmyJohns and wherever else occurs to me... maybe actually read the classifieds, they are online.
after all giving up isn't really going to help things, eh?
something like that.

I actually feel pretty defeatist about it, but that attitude isn't going to help so... i dunno, i'm not sure how to stop it though.


ugh, stomach is miserable and so am i.

3/27

today:
- slept most of the day, feeling crappy
was supposed to do temp work @ 5 a.m., was about ten minutes late, they've got me set up for tomorrow morning though
- re-compiled my basic job app. info
- filled out and turned in an app. at a nearby 24 hour convenience store
- got some groceries
- arranged to borrow some more money from my Dad to help w/ rent

- should be in bed by 11 at the latest- reastically it'll end up being midnite though I figure :))

plans for tomorrow:
- be at temp. agency by 5, work eight hours
- pick up promo materials at the night club I'm on the street team for
- apply @ Target and grab some grocery items while there

goddamn it!

I need to clean under my fingernails.

I've decided, I guess, that I just need to pursue doing what I need to do for now and not get so caught up in other things... like being depressed or obsessing over stuff, er, people even. Sure.

Just focus on finding a workable job, and getting stuff in my life here sorted out. Sure.

:)

worth a try, eh?

blood, fucking, fucking, blood

I have actually been told twice in the last aprox. 2 weeks that I am verbally intelligent. something like that.
what does that Mean?
hmm.

I went to the store today and bought milk, bacon, cigarettes, and beer. this actually being 3 stores. the cooperative grocery, the liquor market, and the super-america.
I previously quit smoking for aprox. 3 months, or, at least the better part of 3 months. I dived back in for a pack one week when I was beleaguered by sadness and stress, but it didn't stick. The smoking, I mean. At the time, didn't stick. Being beleaguered by sadness and stress is the rule rather than the exception it seems.
and hence, again, smoking.

I guess I don't have anything else to say right now.

More so, I have so much that I could say that it's overwhelming.

I don't want to think about it. I will anyway, but...

hmmm...

these posts all run together, despite it being a rather long time.

this doesn't bode well for me at all, of course

I guess this is why I don't know what else to post.


as ever it is like I am at a crux of some kind, like I have decisions to make about how to live and how to be...
as ever I could try and talk about the things I need to do to change
not sure I know them
the things I need to change
not even sure of those any more

"like playing the mmg... you win a bit and lose a bit, then you start losing but bet higher and higher, b/c you think you're due eventually to win... but instead just keep losing till the meat's all gone"

I still don't know entirely what I meant when I said that.

I owe people all kinds of apologies and don't know what to say.

bleak shit, life.

I'm sick of these games...

--- -- -- ---- --

ah, self-demolishment

*smile*

meh, just, meh

I have pieces of my Mom in a box on a shelf. Well, not pieces, ashes- though suppose there could be bone fragments in there. I'd wanted to open it and look through the ashes to find one or two, and make something out of them, like a necklace or just something I could keep in my pocket all the time like some kind of talisman, I guess. Never did get around to it.

So, I'm 29. I'm finding myself in all manner of pickles and crisises. Turmoil. Because I'm not finding myself, I guess. 29, and I don't know who the fuck I am. 29, barely any skills, barely any friends, debt far past my eyeballs, barely loved, barely lived. I think I can count people in the world who love and care about me on one hand, even if I had a couple fingers cut off, it seems.

So many things I haven't gotten around to. Debt piling up unchecked b/c I don't feel like doing paperwork. School gone to hell b/c I don't feel like leaving my apartment or working on... well anything, it seems.
meh... and onward it goes, I could write for miles and still say nothing good it seems.

So now what?

ergh. guess I'll post more here later. been a while, and I guess I have a lot to say.
though just more whining as ever... :/

the head is in some minor dry pain agh

alright. it's still pretty shitey an' confuzzling. but whatever. and i have a headache. errr... fuckity.

i need to drink more water b/c i drank up a few of the whiskey 7's last nite. indeed.

nine in the mornin' nine in the mornin'

i have so many very important things to do.

i'm kinda lonely but i'm not cold.
 
life. woo.

play kingdom of loathing, dammit. unless you're just not cool enough to play it. then don't. hmmph.

bologna, okay, needs ketchup. or is it baloney, ok, needs catsup?

it seems entirely possible i'm on the verge of going crazy.

i'm probably exaggerating though.

things go further downhill and it seems the likeliness of me having a mainly friendless and certainly significant other-less existence is maintaining if not increasing. 

i'm really hungry right now and i'm too lazy to go to the grocery.
huh.

 i should be doing schoolwork or cleaning but instead i am hooked on an online RPG called kingdom of loathing. it is quite engaging and fun and humourous also but still no excuse for neglecting my studies or the messiness that is my room and apt. in general. ouch.

 i have a headache.

 i'm thirsty.

 i really wanna get drunk or at least, kinda wanna get drunk.

 i am losing desire to smoke cigarettes it seems. i've only smoked a few a week for the past few weeks. dwindling.

 i think my life is heading toward's it's apocalypse rather quickly. convergence of school troubles and financial troubles and psychological troubles and general loneliness and woe and apartment is a mess troubles and interpersonal relations troubles
more ouch

 it's not untanglable, i guess.

 get a job.
 concentrate harder on studies/schoolworks.
 pick up the apt. and do dishes and such regularly
 
 is this really insurmountable? no. of course not. but my problems seem to outweigh my potential by far.

 yes. i could start simply by regulating my time - do school stuff for at least x hours, clean for x hours, turn in x many job apps. each day; shite like that.

i dunno. or i could get even simpler and start by being sure to eat sleep and breathe proper each and every day b/c even that simple matter is something i neglect. i could try the meditation for a bit 'o time each evening. try not to hate myself i guess. something like that.

 but it's all a copout... it's like some sort of catch 22; either i hate myself b/c i'm  depressed and angry and i might even need meds. to fix it, or i hate myself for possibly "pretending" to/letting myself  be depressed and angry to drop out of life b/c it's easier that way. not trying hard enough to change. i can't figure it out. ha. fucking hilarious. i'm just a whiny fucking c*nt and i should get off my ass.

whatever.

seriously.

no f*ckin' clue.

later rockst*rs,

 +ptrsn+

i'm as calm as a fruit stand in new york and maybe as strange

hungry and cold and hungry and cold, cold like the dead under a few feet of snow in the frozen frozen winter ground

yup. i'm a fuckwit of sorts, been on campus all damn day half-assedly going at a composition project i need to be done with by tomorrow at one thirty.

woot.

wholly unwholesome dirty mess. fingernails jagged with grime underneath.
egregiously greasy and unpleasantly itchy as well.

missed much of sleep, at the club for halloween, drowning in rail whiskey and generic lemon lime soda once more. had the fortune somehow to wake up for class on time this morn, despite the passing out without setting my alarm at 4 or 5 in the morning. class was at 9:05.

all day i have gone without eating except my lovely friend and t.a. of electronic music class shared dried fruit with me. i should have gone home and took a nap and some baked potatoes and then returned late to work on progress b/c sitting here all day has been none too fruitful with the distractions of sleepy and hungry. not to mention cold. did i mention yet that i am very cold?

but last nite before the club i went trick or treating wtih some good friends and that was of course quite pleasant. it is nice to walk about a neighborhood actually speaking to people who live there, though it wasn't my neighborhood. i guess i could talk to people in my neighborhood more when i happen to see them but unfortunately i am shy and hate people.

that isn't true. neither really are. i am intensely nervous about speaking to people i don't know/know well but i am not exactly shy. and i generally like people but sometimes, oftentimes even, want naught to do with them. and i guess the problem with getting to know my neighbors is that then they'd, like, talk to me, whenever i happened into them.

what hell is wrong with me, eh?

enough transmission for today, for this moment anyway, i have stuff to be doing.

snowflakes, not yet.

the knives in the kitchen are too dull to smile

hungry. still sad that there was no after party hangout after halloween thing at the club. but such is life. i don't work there so oh well. got some good faggot pictures. faggot fucking rocked. yep. and and and i woke up in time for class despite passing out without setting my alarm which is pretty fucking amazing and lucky.

hungry. even a hot dog would be good right now. i have gummy body parts. my friend's mom gave them to me yesterday cuz she didn't get enough trick or treaters and she didn't want two bags of 'em. so i gave a few out at the halloween party. that was fun.

hungry. and lonely still. but feeling better then i were a week ago. for sure. maybe. :)

cold. inhale deep, exhale hard. what next?

when you're young you get sad... and you get high...

I like Ryan Adams. ;) :( A True Tale! and in fact I have rather wanted to listen to Ryan Adams for the past week or so and have been frustrated b/c it's on my external h.d. that is at skool. Aagh! And so I d/led Heartbreaker from emusic even though I have it on said h.d. and I have poked about on the interweb for other of his musics. Yes. Huh.

Emo! Indie Rocker hip songwriter crap! What is wrong with me!!?

kidding. it's indeed good shit and none of the above.

I also am craving cheese.

Last nite I saw Electric 6 and they are very very good.
The previous night I saw Negativland, also very very good.

I like being a weirdo with diverse musical tastes. Trues.

Also purple, milk, digital performer, final cut pro, and max/msp/jitter, and bacon, and whiskey, and flogging molly are all things I am rather fond of.

And my friends. I am happy about pinball and the Cardinals winning the world series b/c I have a buddy that is fond of these things. He kills at pinball. Yup. And he is a good and honest and sweet guy. The kind of people I like, good and honest and sweet, open mind, "warped" sense of humour. Yes. People who are unpretentiously themselves. Indeed. Trues fo' sho'.

Tomorrow the plan is to grab a ten thirty bus to Duluth. But I have concern. For one thing the affording this trip is an issue, my bro is supposed to have made arrangements to be sure I recoup what is spent on bus journey, but if he fails I will have a problem b/c I desperately need them moneys. Ergh. And the other thing is that I haven't done the bus trip to or from Duluth since b4 Mom died, and one of the things that I get all teary eyed about is remember how she always used to see me off at the bus station when I left, she always cried a bit as if I weren't comin' back or something even though of course I were... Yeah... so I am concerned about this making me sad.
And also my bro and his (ex?) girlfriend fight and argue and she is kinda wacko and if we are depending on her as driver to someplace or other, we have to be concerned about her flipping out about something and ditching us wherever and I just dunno if I can deal w/ the stress of it.
So I am actually waffling despite the being on the guest list to see Flogging Molly in Duluth and they are (hopefully probably) dedicating my Mom's favorite FM song to her. Not to mention seeing younger brother whom I haven't spent much time with for a while. Yeah.

Hmm... so we'll see what happens in the a.m. a.m. I guess.

fabulousbiscuits

abysmally uck. more hangover. skinned knee. lost bike locks. that was monday. last nite was not bad i was even home by eleven pm. and not too terribly drunk. but i still haven't eaten properly. the last comprehensive actual meal i had was spaghetti on sunday/monday morning-- yeah it were the wee hours. i went to a friend's place and we drank black 100 that was left over from drinking with ian with orange juice. and he made yummy spaghetti. he also threatened to shoot me but i'll overlook that b/c the spaghetti rocked.

so yeah, sunday was another awesome d.w.i. taping at which i did some decent camera work and had fun. then i got home at like two in the morning and talked to my friend on the telephone and somehow ended up taking the black 100 that i got at the shoot and going to his place. and then i got home again at like maybe 5 and forgot to set my alarm again b/c i'd set it earlier before i left but when i left i unplugged it and when i came back i forgot cuz for some reason i was thinking it was good. so i missed a class which is bad. and on top of that i hit the black 100 again and sent an email to my instructor that probably had a bit much of the drunken cussing about stuff and rambling in it. i have that class again today, and i'll be there. it's in one hour and fourty five minutes. almost am so embarrassed about the dingbat email that i don't wanna go.
click on this magic text to go listen to the most recent composition i made for my electronic music class! Lemme know what y'all think. I am going to get ready for going to class now. I am hungry but don't wanna eat now b/c I know my stomach and bowels will not react well. so I have to wait till I don't got nowhere to go. ergh. l8r awesome interweb.

no new naptime

tailspin vs. upswing.  fatigue, emptiness, loneliness, vs just doing and being and being content with the being and doing- something like that.
angry vs calm
self destructive vs self esteem
mania vs mania
aagh.

 cleaning schoolwork finances breathing

 aagh. saying fuck it and sleeping instead...  *sigh*

breathing?

mskllneous rmblngs

 something I have noticed, and of course I have somewhat noticed this before but not quite in the same way... I mean, I guess now I am seeing it as a trait I seem to have that I need to find a way to change. I seem to be more likely to mourn the passing of good times than to be happy that I have had them. I am listening to Sonic Youth and thinking of times spent sitting up all nite drinking and listening to Sonic Youth and other stuff but lots of Sonic Youth in preparation of them coming here in the first week of Sept which has happened already now... anyway we had a lot of fun, and now my friend is reluctant to sit up all nite drinking w/ me for some reason... And the Sonic Youth concert happened so we don't have that impetus for him to introduce to all his favorite Sonic Youth. Am I happy that he and I shared some awesome times? Well of course I am somewhat, but more I find myself feeling really sad that it looks like we don't be doing stuff like that again. Hmm...

 And I miss Mom like hell. If I could find a way to focus on good times we've had together and be glad to have those memories...

  I'm hungry. Sonic Youth is awesome, but unfortunately the show wasn't quite as awesome as hoped though that was possibly b/c of their playing a sort set consisting of mostly new stuff we didn't know that well.

 The Flaming Lips also played, they were the headliner, they were beyond awesome. As ever, the song Do You Realize... made me cry, even while I sang along. I've had that song come into my head so many times...

 " Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face
   Do you realize we're all floating in space
   Do you realize happiness makes you cry
   Do you realize
     that everyone you know someday will die?

  But instead of saying all your goodbyes
 let them know you realize that life goes fast
 it's hard to make the good things last
 
 Realize the sun doesn't go down
  it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

 May contain minor errors I've pretty much memorized it from listening but have only glanced at a lyrics sheet once...