life...

another day, another moment desiring a bullet through my fat head...

"lol", that is so fucking negative, eh?

 i am just getting sick of shit... i can't function in this world, it seems like every time i start to get closer to another human, develop some sort of friendship or something... i do something to fuck it up b/c i just don't get ppl. i am thinking i should just give up on having friends for the most part... i dunno... my favoritest ppl i know aren't talking to me like they used to or like i'd like them too or at all... i don't know what i did... i don't know how to fix it...

so this is life, eh? fun times...

hello world

so i have been growing my social life but my academic/creative life is flopping... right now i think i am going to make serious efforts to get everything together... my life in general hasn't been doing well either, though i am happier at some points b/c i have been making friends/hanging out with people whose company i enjoy more often. but i have to get it all together. i can't flunk the class i am taking. i can't ignore my responsibilities, my housework, grocery shopping, and such miscellaneous things that need doing on a regular basis. i have paperwork and other things that i need to get mailed to various places. i need to figure out what to buy my Dad for father's day, it's coming up fast...
I am kind of feeling more alive and engaged... or at least engagable today... with life and things that need to be done...
guess that's all i got to say for the moment. :) life is okay.

my eyes hurt...

i guess i haven't updated in a while. not much to say, really. i don't know what's going on. i can't tell if things are getting shittier or better. i don't know if there's any point to anything. i am still extremely fucking lonely and generally unhappy. it seems the unrequited crushes scene is getting worse, though on friendships i guess i am doing better. i fucking hate this heat.

yeah, so, whatever. i dunno. sort of aborting the class it seems, though i am enrolled and still attending for the most part. but today i just ain't going... just fucked. stupid head is aching the heat is making me crazy i am short on sleep and i have no project to turn in... if you're in my class and you're reading this plz ignore that last part...

damn it i am thirsty and filled with rage at everything... argh.

there was a bat in my apartment last night, i thought it was super cute though i didn't want him flying into my head... he would find a spot and hang out for a little bit, then fly around the room 3-4 times then settle down again... then fly around again... he was sitting for a while and i prodded him lightly with a broom handle b/c i had decided to see if i could figure a way to coax him into the kitchen as there is a door to an outside balcony in there, he started flying about again and i wasn't sure what to do next, when the poor guy smacked into a wall and fell... i was worried about him, but had to get him out of there so i threw my sweater over him and carefully carried him and sweater outside, was able to release him and he flew away, so hopefully he is okay.

so about the same as the last post. obviously i am not going to get any better at this shit... life or whatever... silly thing to say, but it seems true. yeah, whatever, just get off your ass and do your schoolwork, your dishes, your cleaning, and all that other shit... it should be that easy, eh? guess i'm just fucking broken... lazy... something...


and i fucking hate couples. i fucking hate seeing ppl hug and cuddle and makeout. it's even worse if it involves someone i kinda have a crush on myself. yeah rub it in assholes... i mean, of course i am happy for others that are happy and experiencing a good relationship, romance, love whatever... esp. my friends. i am just lonely and depressed... i even actually cried when i saw my psychologist yesterday, telling him how seeing a friend and her boyfriend cuddling at a concert made me go outside and almost cry... and i have been avoiding crying at the psych. office, i mean it's gotta happen eventually, but i am still not comfortable enough there really...

distressed rambles

so i don't know what's happening now. it seems like i've turned about and given up. sort of. i mean, i haven't been trying to meditate regularly or even finished reading the awesome book i started reading a few months ago about meditation... i am in some sort of daze. i have been getting out and socializing kinda, drinking copious amounts of whiskey 7's and beers... developing new crushes... still being frustrated about the "old" ones... being frustrated about being fucking lonely. trying to figure out how these human mating rituals work, i hear sometimes people go out on dates-- i don't think i've actually been on a "date" ever ever... i've certainly never been asked... this is frustrating to me...
  i have piles and piles of skool work(the piles are mainly metaphorical), of laundry(these piles exist in the physical world), and all sorts of cleaning and organizing to do around the house. i have to find a dentist who will fix the holes in my teeth that are getting bigger all the fucking time. i should look into getting back on prozac probably. i have financial aid paperwork that is holding up fall award possibly and i still haven't done it even though it's simple stuff and i have the documents i need to send in. i had dishes piling up for weeks, but i actually did most of those finally yesterday afternoon. my room is a sea of miscellany calling out for some sense of order. i just about hate fucking everything.

 i started a new class today,  a may session class - that means it's just a short intensive course- 9-12 m-f for the next three weeks. it seems cool, it seems like maybe it'll help me get creative and active and doing and making but i feel so not creative and not active and anti-doing -- mayhap more destructive if anything. i just don't know what to do with myself. i'm going fucking insane.

 i am so goddamned scared of the world. i can't survive in this place. i don't know anything about how to deal with it. i can't even cope with having friends if i actually have them i freak out b/c i don't know what they think of me and i don't think they like me or i worry that they won't like me eventually when they get to me better or ...
 i dunno, i just feel so goddamned small and scared and lonely...

 i'm sure i'll be fine. eventually.

memories on Mom's birthday

 






Mom was down to see me for a Flogging Molly show and spent a couple days at my place in Mpls. last summer.
 We were walking around and decided we wanted ice cream. There was a Cold Stone Creamery near where we were, but I convinced Mom that locally owned little
Sebastian Joe's was the place to go... after that tasty homeade cone,
she agreed. It was a bit of a hike, but as she would tell you, it was worth it.





  While walking home from Sebastian Joe's we found this bowling ball in the grass. We kicked the bowling ball about ten blocks... it was fun. I still have it.



  This is a more recent photo, Mom dressed for chemo treatment, with the trenchcoat (that my housemate in Mpls had given her while she was visiting) for cover so she could surprise the nurses... Not that they were surprised, she was always up to something like that...




  Mom striking a pose at Relay for Life a couple years back. This is an awesome pic, but I wish I had the one from last year of her doing a wheelie in her wheel chair, it was either the same day or day after a chemo treatment... and there she was at the Relay... ;)
 Relay for Life is an annual walk to raise money for the American Cancer Society. The Duluth one is at St. Scholastica in July and a team of family and friends of my Mom will be walking in her memory. (ya wanna donate some dough? lemme know :) )

 



  another pic from the Dragon Boat practices...





  This is from a couple of summers ago when Mom and I went to the Carlton County Fair in Barnum, MN. I try to go every year 'cuz I grew up showing heifers and entering 4-H projects at this fair, my Dad's farm was in Carlton Cty.(he doesn't have it any more)... when I was a kid I was there every day riding rides, playing games, and running about practically from open to close. Anyway, there's Mom enjoying some delicious sweet corn on the cob by a propane tank piggie. Good times...





 another pic at O'Donovan's Irish Pub, this before a Flogging Molly show at First Avenue across the street.
 Mom enjoying a smoke after some delicious O'd's fish and chips and looking good. She was a hella sharp dresser, weren't she? I love that hat. My Grandpa has it now and I am sure he wears it with pride.


 

here's another pic of her post-FM show with Dave King. This one's after the Irish Fest in St. Paul at a pub called the Liffey.




This is Mom being wacky, apparently there was a cartoon with a wacky fellow going to Six Flags that was she is dressing like here, cuz she thought it was funny. It is pretty funny, though I never saw the commercial...

Well that's all I got for now. I have scads more on various cd-r's that are not organized well at all, one of these days, soon, I have to go through them and find the rest of my pix...

  thanks for visiting and enjoying these memories with me.


I have somewhat of a dearth of close friends about Mpls right now, but if anyone reads this that knows me or sorta knows me and wants to join me, I am planning on going to O'D's to drink some Finnegan's and mayhap have some tasty food in her memory this afternoon. Should be around 5:30/6 methinks. Feel free to contact me to confirm whatever means you may have of getting in touch with me(pm, im, email, lve a msg here... ). O'Donovan's is the Irish pub across from First Ave, Finnegan's is an Irish Ale that tastes good and donates profits to charity. Mom loved the stuff. Guinness too...
Thanks.

more pix 'o me Ma

 this first one's just a test, to see if i can link to pictures from the family website...

  that's Mom and Jesse, it's a practice for the Lake Superior Dragon Boat races that she participated in with coworkers from Fon Du Luth Casino last year. She did it right after a chemo treatment. She was hella tough.

 Hope this posts, if it does, more to come... if not, more to come eventually I just have to put the pix up somewhere else first...

5/17/2006

 happy birthday Mom, wherever you are. I wish we could talk again...



 maybe i'll post more later...

longing, loss, and miscellaneous woe

   i am desperately lonely and sad. and i realized today that, while i wouldn't say i lack a will to live, basically; i seem unable to fully commit to being alive, taking care of myself, doing things that are healthful and helpful for myself, etcetera... something like that. it's frustrating and ridiculous to whine about things i'm not doing that i could simply, in theory, choose to do...
it's just got me seriously wondering what is the point of being alive? I don't mean I am considering not being alive..., just really really wondering. I mean I'm basically alone in life and it doesn't seem likely that that is going to change, and I am really f*cking lonely. And i almost entirely lack a drive to make something more of life, it just seems kind of hopeless. So, what's the point?

maybe i should be on prozac or something, i dunno..



 and tomorrow's Mom's birthday.
I really really miss Mom.

Mom

This past New Year's... had about as much fun as you can in a hospital, eating Chinese food and watching tv...


Mom always liked to try and make things more fun... wearing shiny flamingo boxers to chemo, writing messages for the dr. on her body when she went on for surgery, putting stuff on her iv rig... ;)





Ma and Dave King giving eachother the business...





Me and Mom and my brother, guy with his head cut-off is a son of a friend of Mom's..., don't remember if this is pre or post FM show @ First Ave... if it's post I am hella hella wasted...






Mom and Hunter.


R.I.P.


Hunter got hit by a truck in February, Mom passed away from complications due to Ovarian Cancer last month.


Her 49th birthday would've been this Wednesday... probably I am going to O'd's to have a few Finnegan's for her...


Listening to Flogging Molly right now...

smoke, ashes

sittin' here, fat, naked. sad.

the old music makes me sad. it doesn't matter if it's something Mom liked or not or if we listened to it together it's not that, it's just like there is a weird divide... some of what i like and listened to often before Mom died is somehow indicative of that time... which isn't any particular time, just the time I still had my Mom... 

it's all a a joke and so are you...

It feels like jesus on the cross.
It's so religious in it's loss:
A graven image in the mud,
like when I shed my precious blood.

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

Atrophic interludes weave through my life far too often
for me to fight the biggest enemies.
I have no feelings, like love or pain, it makes me go insane
when I see what's happening to me... I say:

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

There are no idols, no heroes in a world of death.
It's all a joke and so are you,
and so am I... think? just look and see...
It's a fucked reality.


-- "fucked reality" choking victim

not that depressed, just love this song...

"fuck you and fuck the universe"

laying here listening to ryan adams and contemplating grabbing a beer or a whiskey + vault soda... 
which is not what i should be doing
 things i should be doing--
  attending the last digital music synthesis class of the semester
  working on a piece for my other electronic music class for turning in tomorrow
  walking to the post office to mail out important paperwork
  cleaning
  laundry
  dishes

 among other possibilities of things that would be more useful than sitting here listening to ryan adams and contemplating drinkin' and writing in my blog.

 hmm...

quiet and dangerous
 loud and perfectly harmless

 

 ;)
overly fond of emoticons

my horoscope says i need to muster my self-discipline and let the universe know i am reporting for duty. 
 i don't know if i like the sound of that, actually. 
 i guess that means i should try harder, though.
;)
 
 so i was feeling really shitty yesterday, i am not feeling much better know... or well i sort-of am... but... 
 i dunno...
jus' gotta get my shit together and do the things i need to do...  and stop whining... 

 i can't believe this... i am absolutely certain that i am irrepairable. my belief that the damage is too deep is just, well it seems unshakable. it's just not gonna happen. so what can i do if i can't find it in myself to go forward? 
 it doesn't matter that i muster occasionally enough of an energy or whatever to think i could change. i don't believe. i have NO belief in myself whatsoever in that respect. i'm fucked. i'm just a weirdo who'll always be on the sideline maybe tolerated but probably not liked. 
  and i ain't going to accomplish shit. 
 i'm crazy, that's that. 
fuck it... 

 i shouldn't think too much. or something. i am just sick of everything. it seems like noone actually likes me, just sometimes people take pity on me and are nice to me... or maybe just too nice to tell to me to go away. 
 i don't know what to do about it... i don't know why people don't like me, i couldn't explain what's so fucked up about me... people just don't like me. i'm just... probably it's just that i am needy and somehow that seeps out even if i try not to be... i guess i dunno, but ... whatever... maybe this psychologist guy tomorrow will have some insight... or maybe i should just give up on the idea of having friends... but i can't just keep to myself, i can't just not go out and do things... even if i don't do much of anything i find some way to rub people the wrong way... 

miscellaneous jibber jabber

right now i am being silly. i am sad and kind of angry and frustrated. smoked 2 cigarettes today. but i haven't done anything to combat it really. it's not like i can say i'm trying to fix things and it's not working- honestly. it's funny that i am thinking about giving up on finding a better path for myself or whatever... 
 when i have barely given this a chance. it's pretty much the sort of thing i usually do, take a half-assed stab at something, shrug and move on when it doesn't catch. i guess i am just lazy. 
  i can't expect to get anywhere without committing to make changes in my life and myself and following through. i guess there's alot to do in my life right now and i'm kind of overwhelmed, but being overwhelmed doesn't mean i should say fuck it and do nothing. 
 i don't know why i am so afraid of committing and working at making my life better, feeling okay, being content with myself, whatever... i mean, what have i got to lose? if one path doesn't work i can try another one. but if i don't go, i'm not going anywhere, and nothing's changing and i am going to keep feeling like shit. what the hell. do i need someone to tell me what to do and lead me through this? ridiculous. 
 
i should exercise and meditate every day. i should figure out what i need to do and slowly and reasonably work on doing it. i should stop letting myself get so negative and not get so frustrated over things that aren't that important. really i guess i should try not to get too frustrated over anything. i need to try and have more faith in myself and my ideas and my knowledge and stuff. chances are i will give myself the same advice or at least some of the same advice as others i trust, yet it means more to come from them than if i suggest it to me... 
 i am rambling. anyway my head started to not feel so locked up and unable to work right and now it's all confusing and ouchie again. if first ave were open tonite i'd probably go out there and drink. crazy maybe but it actually helps. 
dedicated to unhealthy decisions since... well i guess i didn't make my own decisions in 77, maybe 1980?
 i should do something other than this. 
like read,  do school stuff, meditate, write in my notebook, get groceries, go for a walk, etcetera
yeah and not drink nor smoke probably... ;)

thinking a little more about this matter of sometimes wanting to be pushed against a wall and fucked... 

 i was just thinkin' and i find this interesting... there's one person i have a crush on and when i think about the idea of having sex with that person, in my thoughts it's usually rough and/or somewhat primal 
than there's another person i have a crush on and when i think of being with that person, in my mind it's slow and gentle

 hmm... 
   of course when i actually find someone i develop feelings for who actually develops feelings back, hopefully that person will be someone i can enjoy both of those things and more...  ;)
  
  meanwhile, anyone got the number for a cute boy hooker? one that does girls... 

more monday morning miscellany

"i play russian roulette everyday, a man-sport with a bullet called life, yeah mama, called life" 

 i think this is right. sugar, system of a down.
-- --- ---- --- --- ---
 i think i want to start a band called man-sport. 
of course i have also rather liked
kuntsmacker 
and 
cunty mcroughlove and the pillars of manhood

 hmm. 
oh yeah, and on a more emo bent, 
the martyr party

 i think there's more mayhap i'll make a list. 

 so who wants to be in my band? ;)

monday thought 'o the morning, and Mom

sometimes you just want to have somebody you can push against a wall and fuck.
or somebody that'll push you against a wall and fuck you.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --- ---

yeah, so last night/this morning(she passed away just around/after midnite) was the three week(i think it's three and not four) anniversary of Mom's death already. i meant to light a candle or something but ended up being out with some friends playing scrabble. that's probably cooler, Mom and I played alot of scrabble together.
Her 49th birthday woulda been in a couple of weeks.
... ... ... ...

hopefully nobody's confused but no there is no connection between the two segments of this post.
I miss my Mom, and also am incredible horny and sometimes just want it rough. nothing wrong with that, eh?

i miss my mom.

pointedly foolish, tis i

i changed the name. i hope that's cool. url is the same. i like the new title better, i dunno if the contents were as random and weird as the old name suggested. that was simply b/c of my using the screen name "random weirdo" at the tcpunk messageboard.

oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän| noun a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g., faith unfaithful kept him falsely true). DERIVATIVES oxymoronic |-məˈränik| adjective ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Greek oxumōron, neuter (used as a noun) of oxumōros ‘pointedly foolish,’ from oxus ‘sharp’ + mōros ‘foolish.’

this is from a comment i made whilst talking to my video instructor last night, she had said some nice things about me, as we were sort of discussing my lack of confidence in myself as an artist and other such things. i was telling how i really do feel that i have alot of potential and could do whatever i wanted if i just put my mind to it, and than that i don't... ;) and she looked confused and i just shrugged and said "I'm an oxymoron" and went on to note again my lack of self-confidence as an artist, as well as my lack of drive or motivation. anyway that was a cool lil' conversation. the comment itself indicates something i've felt about myself for a long time, i am an oxymoron, there are many things true of me that would seem to contradict themselves, for example being both shy/insecure socially and maniacally gregarious. being an immensely talented and intelligent person in theory but not so much practice. being good at brainstorming and suggesting ideas to others but not so good at coming up with and committing to and following through with my own. being relatively well aware of things that are causing me problems, yet not quite able to fix them. for example i know i have problems socializing and could tell you alot about what they are and how they manifest themselves but i can't just fix them. i guess part of it is that while i used to think maybe i could, i probably don't know exactly what the root cause of the problems are, what it is that's happened that made me that way. i actually used to think i understood that better and more recently have come to realize that is not the case. :) anyway i know that i actually can fix it and that's one of the things i am going to be working on. if i don't like something about myself i just change it... yeah... we'll see how that goes in practice, after all it's not like i didn't already know that was an option. but... yeah. if i stop thinking it's not gonna work, maybe it will ;)
well that got sidetracked and babble-y. anyway, blog name changed. lemme know what you think, all you one to three or so people that actually read this stuff....

i have to say, today was a good day

this is an experience in taking an incredibly awesome evening and deconstructing it until i think it was crap. kind of what i do. compulsively rethink and pick over things until i find the cracks. i really should just say no. i am not going to do this...

tonite was the opening reception for the mfa and bfa shows in the u of mn art dept. i was feeling kind of wonky- tired and a lil' sick after lack of sleep, a morning of work, and not eating alot today. but when i get like that i get really open, sort of emotional, but really just open to experience- sometimes. anyway that's really how it seemed this afternoon. i went over to look at the art that was up before the reception to avoid the crowds and there was some really good stuff that resonated with me quite strongly...
i ran into a friend who graduated last year and really enjoyed talking to him about art and life and whatnot.
viewed performance piece involving burning sculptures that a friend of mine was/is(it's sort of ongoing) as part of the bfa show...
ran into my instructor for my video class who told me she ran into another instructor of mine, my digital music synthesis instructor, and they talked about me, about having faith in my artistic abilities, and she paid me a couple other major compliments too...
i should just accept them. and be glad in the other experiences and conversations i've had today that i have greatly enjoyed or been moved in some fashion by... i have a tendency to dig and pick at things and think of what i regret in a situation rather than what was awesome. and i have a tendency to find holes in things, like getting compliments from instructors about my abilities, rather than accept that they really think the those things... i'm going to try and not do that anymore... it's nice to feel good.

old wounds, scars, bleeding and whatnot

former housemate guy came by today and picked stuff up. sweetheart, took time to hang out and talk to me about how things are going and whatnot. he's kinda been helping along with the buddhism, and whatnot, getting my head straight and shit. somehow i ended up talking about some painful incidents from my childhood... shit i have kinda bottled up mainly for years, though i guess it doesn't seem like it's hurt anything. i'm sure it has though, not having properly dealt with all manner of crap from younger days... i don't know what to do now, he's taken off back to wife and home and i didn't really get to go into it too much, it would have been nice to have talked more but at the same time it's not right for me to expect him to play therapist.
just not sure what to do at the moment. and i am sad additionally just that he's moved cuz i got sort of attached to him... but we're friends and it's cool...
i don't know if i should think more about it or let it fall back into the recesses of my mind- the whole matter of incidents in my childhood and teenage years that fucked things up in me that i probably have never really realized fully.
i do have a psychologist appt. next week, hopefully the guy i'm seeing will work out and i can start healing some of this crap. i could just put it out of mind until than... i don't know if that's the right way to go though.
the thing is with this shit, it's okay. that's kind of something i've told myself, i've thought about. even if life's been shitty, it's made me the person i am today and that's definitely not all bad. can't change the past. the past is what's made me who i am. and there are alot of things i like about who i am that go back to the bad as well as the good. perhaps more the bad than the good. even if i really don't like myself and am constantly putting myself down and regretting 3/4 of every moment of my life, if i really think about it, i do like myself. there are good things about me. and i would be a very different person if i had a different past, i wouldn't know the difference of course... but anyway i don't know that the person i would have turned out to be if things were different would be as cool as the person i am now. so i guess i should just be cool with having had a fucked up childhood and a fucked up teenhood... and just try and find my path now to be alright with myself and happy.

damnation and more headaches

 
 i keep almost starting to feel okay and get myself and go do things and than i start feeling like shit again and start crying. it's unbelievable. it's really really really fucked-up. i am pretty sure i am genuinely psychologically unsound. or something like that. maybe i need medication? 
i mean i can't say too much to explain that except that i am letting things get to me and drive me nuts besides the obvious and important fact that my mother just passed away from complications stemming from ovarian cancer and on top of that it's genetic. why even stop smoking when i am going to have a deadly cancer within the next decade anyway? maybe that is what's really bothering me. but i keep getting obsessed with something else and it's driving me batshit. and it's not really stuff i should get into too deeply on here. probably i should be writing in my notebook. 

 part of this whole problem is that i think i want to be fucked up. i want to plummet. i don't get it and i can't explain it but it seems to be so. 

 i've joked about wanting to develop a drug habit that would totally fuck up my life so that when i got my shit together it would be special.

 i dunno. 

 but i can't seem to shake this tailspin. 

damned hyper internet obsession what hell wrong with me posting again already

 i am thinking i might just start smoking again because it helps and it beats sitting here not wanting to leave the house messing around on the internet. if having a cigarette makes it easier to deal with the world maybe it would be
better to just get a pack and let myself do it for now and quit when i feel more ready?

 i don't know if it's going to help anything though. maybe if i just get off my ass and start doing. minus cigarettes. it just feels like it'd be easier for me to get up and get out there and do what i need to with a cigarette. 
 
 wtf?

 i wonder if i should just try and it see? but if it helps maybe that just makes more addicted and i shoud still ride this out without smoking? 

aagh. 

damn damn

damn

trying meditating today and just can't do it. mind keeps wandering and i ended up feeling worse. now what do i do? guess just try again maybe tonite before bed or just do it again tomorrow. maybe try loving kindness meditation. maybe give up on the whole thing and go get some whiskey or something... 
 bloody hell. 
keeping this chronicle seems to be helping. 
but i still wish i just had a friend to talk about this stuff with. guess i'll have to hire a psychologist. 
maybe start going to a meditation center/group thingey... i know there are a few around here.. 
hmm... 
just gotta find a way to convince me i'm okay, i guess that's what i am trying to do... 

archeology and melancholy

 it's weird how some, many, of my things here at home, hell sort of even my home, feel like artifacts leftover from another life. it seems like i might have to restructure everything to get comfortable here again. 
  it seems like alot of the same music i don't even feel like listening to any more. not right now anyway, not as much as maybe before. that's just sometimes. sometimes i have to listen to something different. i am trying out Ryan Adams and also Whiskeytown right now. 

 I have to try and get my shit together with school. haven't even gone to campus yet, while i did just get back here sunday night. i might go to a couple classes today, definitely am going to campus. might even hang out at the electronic music studio and work on some stuff for a class.
 dunno though, school might feel weird too. i'm nervous again, like for some reason going to familiar campus after such a radical change in my life is going to fuck with my head. i don't get it but i definitely feel it. then again maybe i'm letting myself get carried away b/c it gives me an excuse to avoid responsibility. 

  i think my main goals right now are just to meditate every day and get some exercise every day- probably just walking, but gots to be doing somesuch... 

  i haven't been smoking but i am waffling, not
fully committed 'cuz of liking to smoke. and i haven't been tested yet by being around smokers alot or going to shows/bars... 

   okay... i should go now. not taking up too much time messing about online/with computer is also something i am trying to do right now. i have a hardcore internet problem it seems... let it suck away way too much of my time... ;)

-- PBM -- 
out

toothache and headache and heartache

i need a dentist i need psychological help i keep f*cking up my own head and crying to people to help me fix it. i guess. but there is all manner of perfectly good reasons for my head to be broken... but do i really need someone else to tell me i should take a few deep breaths and relax, try some medition exercise or somesuch? I can figure out that maybe I should do that, right? but it still helps to have some one else care enough to listen to my frustrations and give me ideas for sorting them out, even if i could perhaps figure it out myself. 
 
 and Mom's gone. keep reminding myself i'm never going to see her again. 
 all this crap in my head to sort out and i keep having to remind myself of this too... and i don't know what this latest has broken and what was already broken or if i am just obsessed with being broken because i want someone to rescue me. and maybe i am just fine. but my head hurts and i feel neurotic and want a cigarette but i quit and it wouldn't maybe help would just make cough.
   my friend who's been putting up with my rants and calming me down suddenly doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. 
  i tried calling one of my closest friends from way back and he doesn't even seem interested in asking what's been going on. and i don't know what to do because he's got all sorts of problems of his own to deal with. 
   my brother is too entangled with his girlfriend to be of any use. 
  my other real close friend is across the damn country and  is super hard to get ahold of. 
 i do have another  good local friend but she too has a lot of issues of her own.
  so i guess i just have to take care of myself or something. it's not that i don't know what i should do, it just feels better if someone will talk to me about it and make a suggestion like they give a damn. 
  it's probably better if i just stand on my own.

here...

mania. i am unhappy. i know nothing. i am...

i'm fine. alive, breathing, unwashed...(no water at my brother's place...)...

My Mother is sick and dying of cancer. Right now at this very moment. I am here and trying to spend what time with her I can. My Uncle is there taking care of her while she is sick, today she doesn't feel up to having us(my brother and I) visit. So I am right now sitting in a bar which has wireless internet, drinking cheap beer. I just ate a cheeseburger and some french fries.
Would rather be at Mom's side.
...................................................................

healing

And out of the black box soul
a flower began to grow
and as flowers need sunshine
so the sun shone
and as flowers need rain
there also was much rain
a cool cleansing rain it was
and the sun shone
and the rain fell
and the blackness was washed away
and the soul shimmered and was no longer
a black box
but became a beautiful garden


pbm saturday april 1 12:50 a.m.

:(

goddamn sick of being alive.
skipping class again
head hurts too much
had to delete a post i decided was unnecessary and embarassing.
wish i could delete my head.
i should go write in a notebook. i guess
i don't think i'm getting anywhere
back to the monday morning rant i guess.
ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

the ides of march

well. nothing good going on for me. sort of. got too drunk last nite, passed out at a friends woke up at 5 a.m. all alone and stumbled home. went to sleep. alarm didn't seem to go off properly and i didn't wake up for 9 a.m. class. and i missed the class on tuesday too. super stupid. super duper stupid.

i shouldn't say nothing good. found a new housemate for when the guy here now moves out and it's pretty close to confirmed that she'll be moving in.

but that also means it's pretty much confirmed that guy here now is moving out.

guy i have wicked crush on as spake of previously.

but this is a good thing for him. not going to go into other's business on the live open internets but it's good. he's getting some stuff worked out and that's awesome.
for him. and so i feel horrible and selfish for wanting him to be here... and i am pretty horrible and selfish having this crush on him. and not wanting him to move out.
:(

and i doubt he'll keep in touch outside of chatting online, i just don't think he likes me that much. i'm kind of a fruitcake.

our new housemate will be very cool and i am sure we'll get along great and have lots of fun. but it won't be the same.

damn i'm getting sad now. i really like this guy. this is silly.

of course i'm really hung over now. my head is throbbing most terribly.

i don't know what more i should post here about situations. probably nothing. who knows who reads this damn thing? even though i know it's just about nobody. if not nobody. if you are reading this, i'm not dissing you. you should leave a comment or something so i know i'm not alone here.

gotta head off to afternoon class. digital music synthesis. which i am really behind in and have missed 2 classes and shit. instructor's gonna lose patience with me.
tho i am more worried about the class i missed this morning. just 'cuz that instructor hasn't seemed all that patient with me to began with.

i am quite fond of digital music synthesis instructor. and also digital music synthesis t.a. good peeps, they are.
must go.

getting better, mayhap

that was bleak shite i posted monday. now it's early am wednesday. just a little after midnite. today was a rough day. i didn't do anything really. skipped all 3 of my classes, was feeling sick to my stomach, but also just didn't feel like leaving the house. let myself be chained to the internet, downloading crap, watching ebay and my emails, watching aim...
feeling really aimless and sad and powerless to change what i was doing. i hopped in the shower, ate potatoes, almost went to my evening class(that i have already missed 2 weeks in a row, this is the 3rd), and than felt sick to stomach again and changed my mind. thought about grocery shopping, cleaning, trying some school work, but ended just noodling around on the computer some more... called my Mom, who was tired, got kinda sad about that. felt really sad and powerless. called my brother, talked to him a bit about how i was feeling. it helped, than he had to go. went back in my room, considered cleaning... housemate was on aim from work and i ended up chatting with him. he suggested some exercises that might help. i feel better now.

the exercise i did was to get more in touch with my body and it worked- it was pretty cool, got me feeling all my muscles and everything -- got me aware of my body more than previous.

so i'm not sure how this has helped my problems in my head but i feel better. i feel like i'm starting to work on myself on a deeper level, for reals.

still don't know what to do about anything, still feeling kind of aimless and powerless and uncertain. but i feel less like shit and more like a person.

signing off,

PBM

my cheerful monday morning(3 a.m.) ranting

interesting interesting-
saturday
i spent the day mucking about in the drek of the internet mostly downloading porno, though i also did my taxes.
my housemate spent the day meditating.

--
here's some happy shite i just now typed into word and am copying copying o'er:

March 27, 2006


My head is in a place that’s broken and this world is no place for me anyway
Things happen without me and I feel like less of a person
I feel like I am not a person
I have no worthwhile tales to share
I have no worthwhile future to expect
Present is pain loss and loneliness

I can’t be in this present
I can’t attend to everything going on inside myself with patient loving kindness
I just want to run
Cut myself, burn myself
Drink copious amounts of whiskey and bang my head against a wall till I pass out
How the hell am I ever gonna fix this shit?

--

don't worry, i am not actually cutting nor burning nor banging my head on anything nor even drinking copious amounts of booze... well, occasionally i drink copious amts. of booze, but not on a regular basis

i am reading about meditation and buddhism and such, but i can't chill out enough to actually commit or try anything. i haven't even dedicated myself fully to the reading i'm doing.

in part i'm just copying my housemate, cuz he's so together and calm
even though he's too serious and reserved. this isn't really true at all. .... .... ....
i can't figure out if i want him or want to be him, in part i feel like i am very interested in him, like romantically, sexually, or at least getting to know and trust him as a friend(and wanting him to want to get to know and trust me). none of these seem to be real options. (there are perfectly good reasons these aren't options, at least the first two. as for the last one, well i guess he just doesn't like me that much.)
at the same time i am just very very envious of the guy. he has and is much that i want to achieve. i find myself wondering if my desire to forge a friendship with him is based on a genuine desire and liking... or this sort of envy
it's a little frustrating. and all the more so b/c i am going to be losing track of him soon anyway, well not entirely... i'll chat with him on the internet. but he won't be around to smile and ask how my day's going anymore... a smile emoticon just isn't the same...

as if i didn't have other things going on in my life. i keep getting distracted by how interested in this damn guy i am.
it's probably just a strategy my subconcious(semiconcious might be more accurate, as i am somewhat aware) is using to avoid dealing with the real hardcore shit going on. i don't think i'm going to type about that right now. but it's serious.

well this is probably enough rambling for now. why am i posting honest and true feelings and shite on the open internets? well, why not? it helps get my thoughts out.

peace and all that shite,
PBM

so what, So WHAAAT...!

yeah, I'm listening to Ministry. It's not exactly cheering me up, but I feel better, I guess. Today doesn't seem like a good day to me. I am up to my ears in overdue or due soon assignments and it hurts. I am frustrated and feeling lonely in life and of course "love" or sex or something. Just Blah. And I think I might be coming down with some real minor illness or cold type thing. Blah. Yuck. And I just want to go home and go to bed. The Ministry really is starting to help now actually. Stigmata. Fuckin' love this song, loved it since high school. Enough whining on internet.

It's kind of frustrating, I was feeling happy and energetic for a little while. Awesome new housemate moved in recently, Spark festival was really really great, and school seemed doable. Got some more financial aid money (gotta pay it back though, someday), and am thinking about blowing it on software. All good things it seems. And suddenly this morning/last night kinda, I just kinda crashed. Boom. Just started thinking unhappy depressing thoughts and getting hung up on everything. Now I'm trying to find that excitement and energy again, I kind of need it. To do stuff. Must be excited about the stuff I need to do and learn for school damn it, or it won't get done. Can't just sleep. Nope. I think it'll help my overwhelmedness when I get my computer at home and can do work their instead of having to stay on campus all the time to do stuff. Sucks having to sit around here all night when I could be at home with food and cigarettes and perhaps good company. I didn't used to care so much about chilling at school late nights when it was just my housemate who sleeps all day and works nights and other housemate who I didn't know very well and didn't really have a rapport with... but now I actually have someone cool to hang out with at home... feels more like home kind of... shit... yeah... def. cooler than sitting around by myself anyhows. So now I like being at home. And it does make sense that eventually I'd get sick of just hanging around school near 24-7 so much of the time... blech. Getting my computer, internet, and blowing some dough on some of the software I am into at school will make life better. Won't have my computer till the end of this month though. ...
Random Random babbling... blah.

Glad no-one's reading this shite, I guess. Though it does feel like a waste, but it's good for thought stimulation to write out my thoughts. or something. Self-examination and crap. Woo. Excitement. Except I can't put everything that's going on in my head on the internet, that's a little scary. I should really start keeping a journal. I just have this insistent paranoia about writing down things that should be private, that may embarassing... I mean things deeper and more personal that my yammering on here of course... I'm just too paranoid that someone else might end up reading them. I'm a woefully self-conscious motherfucker.
Anyhow, gotta book back to class...
thanks for reading anybody who may have read this. share your insights about how I may resolve my woe and whatnot if'n you have any ideas. I think I need some drugs. Mushrooms mayhap... ;)

ouchie!

I just reread the last couple of posts. How embarrassing!?! I'm, like, almost 30! Blathering on about such nonsense... oh well, this is an internet web site, whatevers...

I want a banana popsicle.

Alvin Lucier kicks ass.

I go now, to electroacoustic performances at the Southern Theatre, part of the previously mentioned Spark Festival. Awesome awesome!

Gawd, Sometimes I Write Like A Twelve Year Old.

stuff and nonsense

Hi! I'm updating my blog again. Two posts in a week! Manic, dudez.

Last night whilst drinking beerz at the Nomad I got kinda to thinking about stuff... or just realizing some stuff. Like this crush mania is stupid ridiculous. :) I have decided to let go of the whole lot of it. Crushes, meh. Well, not do away with crushes exactly, dunno if it's entirely possible to do that, but to not get all crazy when I have one or two or three. Cuz I realized it's no big deal, actually I have like 3-5 crushes of varying degrees going right now... not counting distant public figures... So why freak out? Tis silly. So, I think I feel better now. Mayhap. I still have a major thing for the guy I spake of previously, but not gonna make a big deal out of it. Just gonna be happy to be around the fellow and work on getting to be good friends. Totes Cool! Which is pretty much the course I'm going to follow with all my crushes.
So this is going to be an interesting new thing, just letting go and seeing what happens- totally not freaking out over peeps I get crushes on... Makes sense! Maybe I'm FINALLY maturing. ;) Yippee!

bloody hellish pain and shite

hi after long hiatus dear and likely nonexistent readers. I am here to put forth yet more whining about the utter despair and black hole that is my unfortunate life.

Yup.

Or maybe I'm in a really good mood and insanely happy and ready to start kicking ass at everything... hardcore...

I have no idea. ;)

See, there's a new boy around, an unavailable but utterly perfect sexy/cute witty intelligent thoughtful kind generous guy. What to do? Well of course nothing. So am I happy that I know the guy at all? Or am I going batshit b/c he's unavailable and out of my league to boot? A little of a, little of b, of course. But the way to go is be chill and not spazz out w/ insane crush mania. And just be happy to have a wonderful new friend. Wisdom and maturity, I gots to get some of that. Sanity even. A level head. Chill.

In other news... while... other news is to a certain extent too unpleasant to launch into. So I'll skip that bit...

School is feeling kind of overwhelming... I keep waffling between being excited about my classes and being intimidated and freaked out.

Spark Festival of Electronic Music and Art is probably going to be rocking my sox off and stuff... click this spot for infos and schedule!
In fact I gots to go now to check out Scanner.

happy holi day days yeah yo

greetings good eve and merry holiday season,
i don't have much to say. my semester is done with and it was painful and i feel rather like i got hit by a large motor vehicle of some kind or run over by a large mammal.... something of that sort. just went way too damn fast and i needed to do better... yeah. too much crap, crap, crap. hopefully i will be a better person next semester... better student... better artist... and shit. yep.

thnx for reading my end of semester whining. hope you are pleasurably spending holiday time and having fun.

bye!

making time for dentistry

My tooth is finally going to pieces! this it not good. I have had a cracked front tooth for a little over a year now, been meaning to get it taken care of... had bad luck with a couple of dentists, didn't have dental insurance,... have had dental insurance for at least 6 months now but just been too busy. Now I have to take care of it a.s.a.p. cuz part of it just finally fell out. and the rest will follow any damned minute to be sure. lovely. I have to work tomorrow from 8-1:00 on a shoot, I will be behind a video camera. I have barely eaten because I am nervous about tooth. I have not slept because of the whole worried about not making it to work on time so staying on campus instead thing I've been doing worknights. That and fear that if I slept I'd roll around and the very very ready to detach bit of tooth that's left would get knocked out. Well than I'd still have some tooth, just a little stub in my gum with the rest all busted off. Yay. Probably better, right now it's a big portion of the front/veneer that's come off. I don't know how the bit that's still there is staying on. Shouldn't jinx it.

I have super bad teeth also, so hopefully after I get this fixed I will find some goddamn time to get 'em all cleaned and get my terrible cavities patched up.

Birthday in 2 days. Send $$.

the sun was born, and it shall die...

Further
by Vnv Nation
album: Burning Empires (EP) (2000)

At the end of days
At the end of time
When the sun burns out will any of this matter?
Who will be there to remember who we were?
Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us?

And in retrospect I'll say we've done no wrong
Who are we to judge what's right and what has purpose for us?
With designs upon ourselves to do no wrong,
Running wild unaware of what might come of us

The sun was born and so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Without a thought I will see everything eternal
Forget that once we were just dust from heavens far
As we were forged to shall return, perhaps some day
I will remember us and wonder who we were

The sun was born and so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

--

i feel like something's breaking, again, today, and i have no idea why.

i don't think the whole "fuck-buddy" thing made reference to in previous posts is working, even though it's working fine. i think i just need something different from what i'm getting out of this... but i have no outlet for what i think i may need, and this seems to be the closest i can get... i guess.

argh.

*yawn*yawn*yawn*yawn*yawn*

man, and i thought i was tired those other days! wooh. i have not had the sleep since sunday early afternoon when i slept till 1 p.m. cuz i knew i'd be up all night sunday night. but monday night, predict did i not. nay. i have had ever so many of the skool work assignments and needed to complete and some of them are rather overdue. i developed photographs yesterday and also had on friday night though was also tired and sleepless than. not as much as now though. By the by, there are 2 pix i took at the last DwI taping over in my myspace pictures section... that would be my Random acct. I also now have a musics myspace as Yertl B. McNugget. where I am sticking my maniacal little sound collage like thingeys I have made for electronic music assignments up. Just one there so far, myspace is being wonky so I ain't been able to upload the one that I have been up for the last 2 nights working on. It might happen someday that other things will go up there also or something. yep. very very exciting!




did i mention i am tired? i have a need to catch a bus to my bed and blankeys!

*yawn* mp3 for you to try

i have started another blog, a music blog. click this spot, yo
that is it. i am right now having polysics and aburadako at my blog. yay blog! yay polysics! yay aburadako! go check it out!

once upon a time there was a girl who got no sleep...

 halloween mash-ups! mp3's! you have till monday to download and listen to these!


 in other news, i have a headache, am thirsty, and quite sleepy. Hey, it's 5:32 in the morning.

 ooh> big news>

  the Walker Art Center are showing all 5 movies in Mathew Barney's Cremaster Cycle this weekend!

schedule: 
Cremaster 1
Friday, October 28 8:00 pm

Cremaster 2
Saturday, October 29 3:00 pm

Cremaster 3
Saturday, October 29 7:00 pm

Cremaster 4
Sunday, October 30 2:00 pm

Cremaster 5
Sunday, October 30 4:00 pm

  yay!

testing something new and exciting

is there music there? is there? i hope this works!


i'm listening to Tori Amos right now, but that has naught at all to do with whatever's up above this text. am clicking publish now with fingers cross-ed.

brief update

not listening to p-face anymore now am listening to

bastard pantsu

good morning internet! 

 i am thirsty!

 i am not dressing up for halloween, being a zero fun lame-o dufus or somesuch. 

 i am having such a terrible quandary about my weekend. 

 3 of my favoritest local bands and also some other bands i kind of like and one i have been wanting to check
 out for a long time now that is not local
 are all playing
 in different venues
 on the same day, saturday 10/29

 1. Belles of Skin City, Mel Gibson and the Pants, Digitata, and 1 more
 at the Nomad World Pub(linx in sidebar!)
 2. Savage Aural Hotbed at the Cedar Cultural Center(Cedar in sidebar, need to add SAH link)
 3. STNNNG and some others at the Whole in Coffman Union(linx-sidebar)
 4. Garmonbozia, and some other bands most of which I saw one other time and super enjoyed, at the 7th Street Entry.
 Benefit for Arise! bookstore(I should find site and link). there is an earlier aa show also but Garmonbozia is only playing the late show, and I have been meaning to 
check 'em out for a long time. 

   At the moment I am thinking that my intentions are, if financially feasible, to attend early Entry show, than bounce
 back and forth between Nomad and Cedar as they are across street from eachother. 
   I will see STNNNG next month. LUNCH SHOW! YEAH!
   I am sure Garmonbozia will be here again, they seem to pass through very often. 

  
  Now that I have began to organize my saturday, I shall go back to wishing for cold water. I can't actually get cold water
 b/c I am at the U in a computer lab where I am not exactly supposed to be at this hour, so I don't wanna venture out just yet. Must wait till official opening time in
 aproximately one hour. 

 I don't know that there is anything I can do about wanting cheesecake today. 

   
    I bave been being on time for work this week by dint of doing this staying up all nite shite. if it works, it works. i 
need my job. and it is extra time to work on skool work and art prj for art classes and such. except that i am usually to foggy sleepy impatient and such to do that. 
 like, i have a prj due this very afternoon,
 which i have not completed despite sitting up all nite at computer where i could work on it. 
     i am ever so irresponsible. very very. sometimes. altogether too often. 


  Enough babble for one day. or at least for now at early a.m. time. it is entirely possible i will get wordy on my internet 
bloggy later in day. 
  i have too much internet now. am trying to explore myspace further, have another blog, trying to establish webpage, online 
presence at mnartists.org (i think that's the site... need look up and link...), also have suicide girls acct., they got forums and bloggy/journal space too. and i
 have a livejournal but i have never really used it since signing up. and also i have a second blog here i have been neglecting. and of course being random weirdo
 at tcpunk.com, mostly tho i lately have been lurking, seems not many notice when i post there anyhow... 
aagh. aagh. aagh. 

NP:

pass the soap, sing a song

--------my life is now a soap opera---------

who'd a' thunk such things would happen to me? ;)

not bad

so, some fooling around with the boy today, mentioned him in prior post. he's a real sweetheart. i'm feeling pretty happy, though a little nervous that he might somehow be less into it than I... but I think we're pretty much on the same page...

the problem with me is that I am kind of confused about what I want out of it... I don't really want a full fledged gung ho romantic committed relationship. But I like the guy. I want the guy to like me. At the moment, I think it's good. Really, I'm grinning ear to ear, but am still a little paranoid that maybe he's dissatisfied somehow or something... yeah.

I am not sure why I feel compelled to let the whole internet know this, especially considering I am not even all that anonymous here ...

Dorkus Dumbassus, yeah.

oh well, boy doesn't know about my blog yet. not all that many people do. so it's okay... might as well just piss it all out in the vast anonymous pool of the internet... (chlorine? whatever...)
(does this metaphor suck? hmm.)
--

of course I am still broken-hearted over the crush of 2 years that ain't interested in me. aagh. but then, the boy I'm foolin' with now and I aren't a serious item... we're going to move on at some point. hopefully he'll find a woman that will really appreciate him...

see neither of us are necessarily that attractive, though honestly i think he is(now that I know him, and before I knew him I didn't make a judgement, I actually do care more about what a person's like and value whole selves over mere appearances)...
and apparently he thinks I am too or we wouldn't be messing about...
i dunno. he's been single for a while, and laments not being appreciated as he deserves b/c he ain't hot and people pay more attention to looks than personality... of course, I agree. Hopefully we can help eachother a bit.
--

ah internet, here I go telling you all my secrets...

dunno...whatever

so i'm feeling kind of blah. work's got me stressed yet, still have my job for now. Actually really screwed up this morning and was 40 minutes late but luckily I work with different people Friday and also wasn't absolutely needed before 9 b/c I was doing camera and they weren't ready to shoot yet anyway. but a close call nonetheless. Now I'm really thinking I can't sleep Sun, Tues, and Thurs nights. Just hang out on campus all night, get some schoolwork done/stay on top of my reading. No big harm in it really I guess... if I actually go home and sleep as soon as I can but I'm no good at that... blah.

In other news, there's this guy I'm fooling around with. We've just kind of decided to be "friends with benefits" 'cuz we're both single and horny. We haven't fooled around much really as we don't have a good location to go(he lives in suburb, I'm off-campus and need to pick up my apartment) and also he's always too busy to hang out.
I like having somebody to fool around with a bit, to touch and be affectionate towards(even if it's not a romantic relationship) and whatnot. Needless to say, I am also not having any moral quandaries about fooling around without being in a romantic or monagamous relationship. But I am just sad and lonely and in a way it hurts to have someone that close but not closer... I don't want a monogamous boyfriend girlfriend sort of thing with him right now, but I'd like more affection and more time together. I really want to be held and cuddled and whatnot... It's intensely frustrating. But the arrangement we originally discussed just involved being friends and also being sexually involved, as time allowed. I already feel that I'm being too demanding pushing him to hang out with me more and wanting more attention from him, he's just too busy- works alot and has a lot of school stuff to keep up with too. what to do, what to do?

Meanwhile, my Mom's having a really tough time of things... life is just going really shitty for her right now... she might lose her job/health insurance next month, is having some other health problems right now besides just the cancer, and has to try and move because living with my alcoholic aunt isn't working well but even though there's finally a spot for her in one of the assisted living complexes she's short the amount she'd need to pay to move in. It's insane. And her dog, they've been together 10 years or so now and she can't bring him with to the assisted living place which is really getting her down. My brother's going to look after him until she's well enough to get another place, she's not giving him up entirely. But it'll hard and she's already gone through so much...

School's not going too badly at least. It could be way better though. Gots ta focus, I do... and get better sleep too.

greasy octopus love

i need a shower! i'm still on campus! what's wrong with me? ...i like sleep deprivation, but i am hungry.

anyway, been working on organizing mp3 collection and started listening to aburadako again... "greasy octopus"

if'n i knew how to put an mp3 up here... dang it. good stuff!

yay. more miscellaneous problems to have nervous breakdown over.

gee, when am i gonna have something pleasant and happy to post here? well, i'm excited about working on secondary webpage for links, and may work on getting more shite plastered onto interweb hither and thither...


so, i'm terrified of going to work this morning. it's 3:45. i work at 8. this is a.m.

see, i am sitting up all nite in a u of mn computer lab b/c if i go home and sleep, i'll probably be late for work. i have been late for work the majority of mornings(m & w) since the beginning of semester. am on the verge of getting fired. i am part of tech support in u of mn's video production studio(s) in the theatre dept. the instructor of the class which i provide tech support on m and w mornings is quite irritated with my chronic tardiness and has tried talking to the guy in charge of the studios about firing me... luckily i have kept at least somewhat on top of talking to guy in charge myself and assuring him i do not intend to make a habit of this tardiness... so he's giving me one more chance, i guess. if i piss off the instructor of class i do tech support for again, i will likely be terminated entirely from the studio crew. i don't take the tardiness lightly, i'm not being late on purpose, it's very frustrating. it just seems like the gods like throwing stones in my path or something. of course, if i don't take control of my destiny instead of blaming it on bad luck, i guess i'm fucked. i dunno... but it seems that no matter how much i try to make it on time, something happens. i have diarrhea, get a nosebleed, take too long in the shower, get stuck waiting for a roommate to get out of the bathroom, can't find my keys/clean socks/some other important thing... aagh. and now i am scared that even if i am totally on time, the instructor is going to tell me to get lost and i'll get fired... or something... i am scared! even more frustrating is the fact that i really like the guy! of course, he basically likes me too... we kind of have a rapport, but he can't tolerate the unprofessionalism of my constant tardiness.
and of course i love my job!

so now i don't know what the heck to do. my boss gave me a chance to just withdraw from the shift when my tardiness first became an issue and i chose to try and stick it out and actually did show up on time for a couple weeks... but now shite's going all wonky again. if i'd given better excuses when it first came up, or asked to drop the shift, i might not be on the verge of getting fired. and now it probably looks terrible to start whining about all the stress i'm under and chronic stomach woes and whatnot... but i couldn't help it, i ended up sending an email whining about such things(tho hopefully not in too whiney of a tone... just over-explanatory i suppose) to my boss anyhow... and stressing how much i value and love my job there. jeez... i swear i stopped just short of telling him he'd be responsible for my nervous breakdown if he fired me :( ... ;) well, i don't think it was quite that bad...

i really don't want to lose this shift either, in addition to liking working with the instructor and enjoying his class, i really like my coworkers on that shift ... crappity crap...

links are going up, being organized

Hi! This is some news! I am trying to comprehensively toss on links to all manner of places of great excitement on our lovely interweb that I suggest you visit! Some of these links are to sites featuring places or things you can visit in person in the lovely area known as Twin Cities and hereabouts! Do look at these links and go to these websites! Thee interweb is a magical place and I am trying to assist in your exploration! Go forth and explore!

even more whining and frustration and such

tired and depressed, tired and depressed, tired and depressed. woo.
and i think maybe i'm an asshole. or at least some sort of idiot.
i need more sleep. i need more time.


aagh. i should go try and eke out some school work. but i just feel like slamming my head in a door a few times or cutting
myself or lighting some part of myself on fire.


i'll be fine. i'm just f*cking tired and overwhelmed.

sigh. life and shit. woo.

(some of this is actually reposted from a post at another bloggy sort of locale)

Hi. been awhile. didn't have much internet access o'er the summer. now back in school.

Mom's tumor wasn't breast cancer, what'd happened was the ovarian had metasticized and spread to her breast. They did a lumpectomy and removed it and now Mom's doing a more intense sort of chemo. She's having a ct scan this week, then we'll know how well it's been working. Meanwhile she has to move into an assisted living arrangement b/c my aunt who she was staying with(paying rent, more than her room was worth really) and was supposed to be helping her out is kind of a drunk... and it's not working out. So she has to send her beloved dog to stay with my brother and cough up $$ she can't afford to pay for the rent there...


Back in school. seventeen credits. aaagh. cool classes. Electronic Music, Advanced Time Arts: Video, Photography, Grantwriting, and a Japanese History class. Lots to do. Hard to keep up.

we'll see if i keep the blog going... i dunno.
all depressed and busy and shit... who's got time for internet?

wshng4whsky

hi!
we went to the Irish Fair and had an excellent time. The members of Flogging Molly are very sweet people! We hung out backstage during the show. I shot alot of video of it though I think the sound was shit 'cuz I didn't have a good mic and it would'n'a mattered as I was up too close to the speaker and I think it was probably almost always in the red.
They played an excellent set as usual. Dedicated a song to my Mom, made her cry.
She's gonna start working on a piece about her Flogging Molly related experiences and such. Not sure exactly what she plans to write exactly yet, but I think she is going to try and get the piece published when she's done. I think she'll do a great job. Can't wait.
We made it back to Duluth alright. That's where I am sitting now. It's chilly tonite!

woo woo woo waa

trees are green and so am i...
it rained just this morn, early and just stopped... grass and trees and everything damp and dripping.
hopefully today won't be too hot again.
sometimes i think something must be broken
of course, most things seem to be around here
but am i?
hmm... is it me or the world? a little of one a little more of the other i suppose.
i suddenly crave something sweet.
i am looking forward greatly to the mn state fair.

this weekend! Friday! Harriet Island! Irish Heritage Fair! FLOGGING MOLLY!

and Mom might not be up to going cuz we need to find a ride home(Duluth,MN) -- she don't got the stamina for sitting on a bus for several hours.
and we're not sure how we're getting to the cities from Duluth either, but there are many possibilities on the table for that.
once we're in the cities, dunno quite how we're getting to downtown st. paul-- city bus, most likely... but we won't be heading home till sometime late at night...
cab, probably.

gonna see Flogging Molly though! hopefully have a pint or 2 or some whiskey w/ Dave and Bridget and Dennis and the rest!! Good times! :)


must go forth from the computer and find breakfast!!

Hello again Internet.

today is wednesday. the sixth of july. usual headache and melancholy, maybe better reasons.... blah blah blah

last weekend, fourth of july weekend, pretty lacklustre... okay, i did check out a couple shows, but i can't even remember what... oh, an interesting band from Japan played in the Entry on Saturday. Orange Milk from the Green Planet or somesuch... they were alright.
Monday I hung out with some friends and we were going to do some cool shit, but my dumb drunk ass managed to get seperated from them as we were heading over to the Soap Factory... I ended up wondering around kinda lost(I wouldn't have been lost had I been less drunk/stupid, I had the address of the gallery in my pocket) for a couple hours then heading home... Probably for the best though, apparently I was being really obnoxious and grabbed my friend's hot boyfriend's crotch a couple times... Ack. The wayl she tells the tale is pretty funny, and being that I was quite drunk I was forgiven, but still... quite embarassed.

Here's a partial acct. of previous weekend and other stuff in my life from a posting of mine on another site, somewhat re-edited:

"DwI taping was awesome(that was the sunday before last now, or something like that, I don't even fucking remember anymore), as it generally is. Caught part of the Pride parade Sunday, but was busy wrangling cable whilst DwI host did some on the street interviews. Fun, but didn't actually catch alot of the parade.

Awesomest thing Sunday night/Monday morning... okay, mixed sort-of. Got kicked out of a party(sort-of... not going into it here, yo) but ended up hanging out with this sweet guy I have a crush on. We listened to records (anyone heard of the Virgin Prunes, they're awesome! Buying a cd as soon as I got the dough...) and hung out... smoked too many of his cigarettes, had good time(no, not that kind of good time, said fellow and I are just pals)...

Bad shit too... found out Tuesday that my Mom, who's been battling(and winning) ovarian cancer for the second time (since around Januray, the first time was about 3-4 years ago) just found a small tumor in her breast. It sounds like she'll be having a double mastectomy as soon as it can be set up, she's got doc appts towards the end of next week. I'm trying to figure out how to go there for a couple weeks and make sure I can pay rent in August. I was just trying to find a shity job to work till school starts in a coupla months, but since I'll be leaving town in a week or so...
It actually doesn't sound that bad for Mom, though she's really sick of dealing with this shit... she lost her Mom to cancer when she was 12 and one of her sisters 3 years ago, as well as a close friend. And she's seen other friends and family suffer from it. She's hella tough though, and I am sure she'll make it through okay.

And of course this has me thinking about my own health. I'm 27 and cancer seems to be hitting the females in my family younger and younger. I'm kinda freaked out. I'm nowhere near as tough as Mom and I'm already somewhat unhealthy, broke, and such. Damn. And it really seems hella likely I will have to deal with this, quite probably in the next 5 years...
I should quit smoking, exercise, eat better, etc. But I can't help thinking, fuck it. If I die, I die. I mean... It just seems really likely to my mind that I am gonna die from this shit anyway so what's the point in putting too much work into living? "

yeah, so that's a week or so old now. time is passing in strange ways for me lately and I've spent too much time sleeping and/or being angry and depressed.
this weekend looks alright, some good shows, hopefully I can stretch my moneys so I can see most of 'em. Maybe win guestlist spots from good 'ol Radio K.
heading to Duluth soon to hang out with Mom, having problems figuring out what to do for funds since it kinda puts a kabosh on my plan to find a crappy job quick. I'll sell some miscellany on ebay or something.
slowing down on the drinking thing, just seems smart. and I'm on a short term med that apparently will interact with alcohol to make me nauseous so for the next 7 days I have little choice...
okay, i'm hungry and sick of internet. later peeps.

fatigue and shit

well, i don't have much to say really. i find myself getting bored of the blogging thing sort of since there's no-one to read it and fawn over my eloquent and exciting musings on life, the universe, and everything. well i'm aware that my comments here probably just aren't that noteworthy... well, until i figure out something more interesting to do with this blog so peeps read it, or some way to promote it so peeps read it, or something... well... i probably just won't post much. whatever. sigh...

i reread this after posting and noted i said well like half a dozen times at least. but fuck, why fix it? i wish this thing had emoticons. i don't know what to type in to look like eye rolling.

blah blah quack quack

morning morning greetingz and salutationz. finally listening to Killing Joke some more, and they deserve even further listening. good stuff. though a glance at there website just informed me they are touring in the uk with motley crue. dunno what to make of that. erm, interesting. yeah. melikes ol' motley crue but... hmm...

so anyway hi! today is wednesday. i am going to sell my plasma today. i was going to sell my plasma yesterday but got distracted by exciting wonders of technology. i am eversofortunate, taking this excellent sound art class(scroll down, i mentioned it in previous entry), learning software for messing with sound! very cool! yeah, so far just peak and audacity (free! check it out!) but that's damn cool. and using minidisk recorders. also cool. now i want a minidisk recorder!

after having a bunch of blood sucked out, churned around, having the plasma extracted from it, and than being pumped back in mixed with cold frickin' saline solution... well of course my day can only go up at that point and indeed, it shall! cuz then I have spoken word poetry class! dunno if i mentioned that one yet. fun!

so, yeah. screw prozac dudes. just need whiskey and the word... no not that word... if i'm ever sayin' i found jesus and i ain't talking about a cute skinny guy with long hair, bleeding hands, dreamy eyes, and one hopes a big dick; well... find me and put me out of my misery please. ack. so yeah... words, language. yup. bitchin'

language and sound. and then I get a couple months of photography! yay summer!

hopefully financial aid won't cut me off for nxt academic year cuz I got even more fun lined up(not to mention that after I finish nxt year I'm finally frickin' graduating!!)-- electronic music. advanced video(even more advanced than the advanced video I've taken 3 times already). more Japanese literature and Japanese history. yeah. might end up switchin' some of that up but the first two are pretty definite and will totally rock of course most definitely!

i need to update the linx to the left damn it to hell... one of these frickin' days.

i can't believe it's already wednesday. that monday holiday threw the week off... but i got to stay home. and clean... woo.

i'm not sure about the Killing Joke. def. need to check out more but of what I got some is excellent and some is seeming kinda repetitive. methinks i am gonna switch to some good ol' faint, always a pick-me-up. missed their recent shows at first ave. sad. but had school busy-ness. oh well.

the blood brothers are coming soon. should be good, planning to attend. hmmm... yep. sure there are more shows i am hoping to be in attendance at but nothing else is popping into me grey matter at this very very moment.

did i mention the open mic yet? went to this awesome open mic w/ my poetry class thursday! for any poetry readin' peeps out there it's at Mapps Cafe in the West Bank area kinda across Riverside from Hard Times Cafe. i know Hard Times address is 1821 Riverside... it's free, 7:30-9:30, all ages welcome, and hella fun environment. i plan on attending regularly. not going this thursday but next week my class is going to go for the last day of class and our instructor wants everyone to get on the mic.

hmm... now i'm listening to the faint. but i am thinking it's time to start playing with sound again. convolving some shit! yomp! woo!

                  my squirrel poem
 
  fuzzy grey furred lil' squirrel motherfucker
darting to and fro
 nosing about
like a crack-addled
 street rat
looking for a nut
 to crack

stay away from me mr. squirrel!
I'm already cracked-up enough!

;)

millinery

i'm in love w/ myself, i like the dark...

i am discovering a sudden overabundance of self-esteem... sort of. more on this tomorrow, bed soon...
did i mention i quit that danged prizzac? it happened by chance accident... i got sick for a couple days and didn't dose cuz of puking, and found myself feeling more clear-headed and focused, which was independently confirmed by my roommate's impressions of me... thusly i decided that experiment is over and done and i shall move on to more productive things like taking care of the shit i need to take care of, doing stuff, eating better, and exercising more... and, yeah, i am cuttin' down on my drinking. sad. i shall not quit, mind you. just try and use more goddamn sense...

must go sleep. night strangers whom i hope are enjoying my babble and idle chit-chat.

hating and loving hugging and rubbing and punching blood and puke and stuff

so i haven't done much for a while here and i'm very sorry. if you bastards out there would read this thing and leave some comments, mayhap i would check in more often. i am beginning to think no one cares! it's so sad and lonely in the internets. blah blah blah.

so i finished last semester, sort of. and sort of okay. and sort of not as good as i shoulda. but it's mostly over. okay so i still have a ppr to do. kind instructor gave me incomplete and now i have to try and get the fucker done. alrighty.

i have very excitesome classes for this may session. three weeks of sound art and performance poetry/spoken word 101. bitchin' yah! hee-yah! woo-hoo!
in the spirit of sound art i shall share w/ you a discovery(prompted by my instructor, Abinadi Meza )

Iannis Xenakis

and here are some sites w/ mp3'z, yo: 2 at some asshat's blog, I found one here, and another long 'un o'er here @ his fan club site

check it, homiez, good shite!

recently I have attended kick-ass concerts featuring: Why?, Fog, Melt Banana, the Birthday Suit(or is it suits?), Deerhoof, Mindless Self Indulgence, Sole, Pedestrian, ... Um, I'm sure there are more, but skool has been hampering my able to go to shows so not so much as usual. I have intention of seeing the STNNNG this weekend at thee good ol' 7th St. Entry... possibly other exciting things.
music I have spent a lot of time listening to this past couple of weeks: STNNNG, Hymie's Basement(Why? and Andrew Broder of Fog together), Why?,Deerhoof, Circle Takes the Square

lackadaisical

no idea. don't think it's helping. that prozac crap, i mean. or maybe i caught mono... i've been getting more sleepy and less concerned with getting stuff done then i used to be! what's up with that? is it me?

this is worrisome. i still have pprs to write! and prjx to do! horribles!


i seem to be having headaches more often too... but can't really tell if they have anything to do w/ prozac or maybe i should just be drinking more fluids...



frustrated.

aagh...

worth a try, eh? starting tomorrow. i think i shall try and keep this updated just to keep track in any changes in how i am feeling. should be interesting.

or should i just start smoking more pot?

well, i gots my brand new prescription in my pocket so i guess it's on.

yippy drugs. sigh. we'll see.

my eye itches and i can barely breathe.

i'm sick. this sucks. i have important skoolworks due this very week, in 2 days even. i have barely if even at all began these assignments. this is not good. however if i live through this week, i have rowdy loud fun weekend to look forward too. yes indeed. thursday will be bringing a concert in st. paul featuring long standing Mpls. punk rock legends the ed gein fan club. friday i shall spend at the uptown bar in uptown minneapolis with Kontrol Panel and the Belles of Skin City. Saturday gets even more fabulous as I shall attend a TC Punk special bookclub meeting which will feature scrabble playing and barbecue! and after that, the STNNNG @ favorite local joint the 7th St. Entry (Entry and First Avenue being my favorite Mpls. club). They shall be performing in celebration of the release of a new album!

so all i have to do is not choke on my phlegm, finish a 15 page ppr, and a complicated interactive art project, and, woo!, then i can 'totes' party.
wish me luck!

oh, somebody buy this kid a puppy, it's her birthday. ;)

look i had such an exciting f*ckn' weekend!

i have a headache and a fair amount of irritation with well... stuff... people, they are frustrating.
i was going to have a very short post saying i'm too busy for this stuff, but now i have the urge to tell all you netizens salivating in anticipation of my next blog update that i saw motorhead on wednesday and they were really good. what else..., um, i did something thursday i think but i don't remember what. friday saw me getting much too intoxicated at a really fun house party where despite said intoxication i didn't socialize nearly enough because even when drunk i'm often too self conscious... i could wax on this melancholy point but i shan't... saturday i saw the fuck yeahs, the international playboys, gee as in jesus, the mighty mofos, and the midnight evils for whom it was their cd release show. that was pretty awesome, i am esp. fond of gee as in jesus. easter sunday i hung out w/ friends. played battleship, watched the brady bunch, ate pizza, watched carnivale season finale, and some other television programs that i don't usually get to see 'cuz i don't gots cable/satellite...

interesting, eh? now i have to go do important school related things. or just get drunk. or some combination of those, somehow combined w/ enjoying the lovely weather we are having here in Minneapolis today. it's Spring. i could almost feel better about life, what with the aide of sunshine and perhaps soon some dandelions. we'll see.

me head pains me so

this isn't the first time i have posted whining about head pains. nor needing to empty bladder, nor being hungry.
oh well, all those things happen to be true. as well as, once again, being thirsty also.

but anyway, i was in Duluth over spring break. visited Mom, had awesome time. highlights included visiting Uncle and watching him do woodworking(amd Mom built a birdhouse w/ him), hanging with my younger cousins that are moving soon(and have spent most of their lives in places other then MN), playing scrabble with Mom and nearly hitting 500 points... and i guess that's hit for the special highlights. there was other stuff too.

things forgotten in the earlier post...

yes another post today. a couple things i meant to include earlier, but they can have their own post.

after Surdyk's, I went to Bibelot shop. good and bad, there. they carry a some stuff from a product line called "Miso Pretty" featuring wonky "cute" Asian stereotype wonky English and imagery in their packaging. Kinda bugged me. I mean, I'll go to Asian groceries and often enjoy fractured English when I see it(I am also know to peruse Engrish.com, though it annoys me when they try and make up Engrish-y sounding stuff themselves for products or just to try and be humorous), purposely making up fractured cutesy English to sell a product(and to make it appear trendy/hip) turns me off.

I also discovered the artist Brian Andreas, they carry his Storypeople greeting cards there. I am not sure I like the art itself so much, but I really like his little "stories". Click here and explore his site and you'll see what I mean.

Another recent discovery that has brought me enjoyment is the Japanese poet, Shuntarou Tanikawa. I happened upon a book of his work entitled, At Midnight in the Kitchen I Just Wanted to Talk to You, while I was trying to find some Japanese fiction to base a paper for my Japanese Minority Literature class on.
Here's a poem of his from that book:

    "My Favorite Things"
   
                           "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
                           Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
                           Brown paper packages tied up with strings-
                           These are a few of my favorite things."
                                                             Oskar Hammerstein  II

No matter how much
I like a thing
actually owning it
somewhat bores me.

And no matter how much
I like that thing
notowning  it
makes me somewhat resentful of it.
 
                           "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
                           Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
                           ..."

Poor Oskar.
Your forced rhymes
sound just awful.
Sometimes even the soul is flatulent.

I want a drink of water;
I'm very thirsty.
Half a cup isn't enough; a hundred would drown me.
I like water. 
        

cheese is good!

hi! it's saturday, it's spring break, woo!
i bought cheeses today at Surdyk's! it is a liquor store w/ a cheese shop. it rocks! the staff are helpful, patient, and nice and let you taste test cheeses! this poor young women put up with having to unwrap at least 6 different types of cheese for me to try. i wish i had more money. i ended up with mini-slabs of sottonocere w/ truffle, cave aged gruyere, aged prima donna gouda, red leicester w/ wasabi and french onion, and 1/2 lb of cheap dill havarti for sandwiches. the rest will be for snacking.

last night i went to see the Belles of Skin City, Mel Gibson and the Pants, and the Blind Shake (also the Drama Club, but I missed their set) in the 7th St. Entry. Awesome! esp. B. of S.C.! I am not so good at describing musics, but they kinda remind me of Tom Waits... I've heard at least one of them used to be in a band called Kentucky Gag Order(found mp3 here!), unfortunately I never saw/heard them while they were around. Planning on finding out more about 'em though. MG&P have a song about Ed Gein that I really like... can't recall alot of lyric offhand but a line of the chorus that sticks in my head is "Wisconsin'll make you feel fear, boy". They didn't play it last night though :( . They have a c.d. avbl... I guess they're kind of hip hop/electronica, the mc has a really good style/flow in my opinion.

thursday night was the aseverawesome Flogging Molly show @ First Ave. sweat covered mosh pit mania. My Mom wasn't able to come though, she was too worn out from the four days of chemo treatments. :( My bro and his housemate ended up coming from WI and a friend joined me, so all tix still got used. we made a video tape for mom, getting all the band members to say hi. I got to get on transferring the video(it's actually on mini dv tape) to the computer so I can put in a format she can watch, and mail it to her. and Flogging Molly will be back in August to play a free Irish festival in St. Paul!!! Mom'll definitely be feeling better by then! :) I enjoyed Hot Water Music too, and the little bit I caught of the Riverboat Gamblers set.

there are a fair amt. of shows coming up i'm excited about, i think i'll post a lil' list one of these days. i been listening to Deerhoof a lot over the last couple days and they are coming, nxt month I think.

gothiepantz

jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam

 i'm the jackass eating spicy pumpkin seeds in the computer lab

 

 hungry all i ever talk about is food. 
 my lips are tingling from the spicy stuff on the spicy seeds. 
 i could really use a beer. 
i need to see a dentist.
 i am very excited for flogging molly on thursday, did i say that yet? 
 
 i have too much skoolwwerk. ack... 

 jesus fuck.

this has been somewhat of an html formatting experiment. my apologies most sincerely for the lack of content.
if you want to read somehing truly interesting try this
thnx have nice day homefries

sun, sundaes, colddays, sunshine, and miscellaneous unpleasant whirlwinds of confused emotional states. and teevee shootings.

rar. last night i taped(do note, there were many others more involved that put together this show, i was just a monkey behind a camera) a drinking with ian show. 3 of them... with a video camera... had good time. ankle tired from standing in front of camera. remained sober throughout despite many free shots, for fear such things would affect my camera skills. which kinda blow anyway... woo. it's on public access, i ain't but watched it on tv maybe once, cuz i don't gots the cable teevee. but channel 6 thursday nights 12:30 is what i believe to be the correct infos. do check out website, tis on there, and also a couple of episodes are downloadable to watch on yer computer machine, if you've a fancy enough computer machine to handle.

so now i have this anticlimactic depression thing... cuz did something supercool and fun last night, that won't happen again for likely at least 3 months. and am mourning the passing of the event, i guess... like, that was cool, what do i do now? also just analyzing all that i did or didn't do/ how i did or didn't do it, etc, and thinking, gee, shoulda done this, shoulda done that better, this/that/the other thing was dumb of me, etc... what's my damned problem? ;)

i'll feel this way again after flogging molly show thursday i bet. Mom's coming down for it, on toppa four days of chemotherapy. Looking forward, most intensely. btw, Mom had ct scan and stuff last week and things are lookin' good. lesions on liver goin', tumors shrinkin'. :)

--
mood: wavering, bipolar, strange daze
listening: swans
eating: spicy pumpkin dry roasted seeds, sea salt and vinegar natural gourmet potato chips
craving: pork chops
drinking: water
craving: liquors, undecided what sort...
--

skool, what of it? i don't know!? pprz, argh. prjcts, argh... well half-argh.
need study video things better, cuz video things iz fun. teevee and art. yippee.
finally got the hang of properly wrapping cable last night! that's a good thing, yes.
finally met fellow blogger Maria/Traz- here's a shoutout to ya homie! even hotter in person then in yer pic! ;)