grief and loss and stuff

So yeah, Mom's dead. Been dead since mid-March or so. That's how it is.

 For some reason, it seems to be getting harder to deal with the further off it gets. Lately I've found myself thinking about little details. Things from the past, times with her, things about her, things about her death...

 Tonite I found myself thinking about how my brother and I sat in the room with her body after she'd passed. Not crying intensely, or freaking out. Even making jokes and laughing a mite. For some reason now, I can't figure how I did that. I almost regret it. Like somehow if I'd cried more and been more bereft right off the bat, it would have been easier now. But how would it have made things better to freak out? If I couldn't stop crying or clung to the body or some such somewhat silly shite? I dunno. Probably it would not. Probably I was dealing okay. But why is it getting harder now?

 Of course this makes sense. At the time I could sort of shrug and be like, yeah, it's okay, death is part of life, it was going to happen eventually, she's out of pain now, etcetera... Now I know she's gone and I'll never see her again and it sinks in more and more with every passing day. I just have to find a way to deal with it. I miss her so much. Seems like I can't stop crying off and on lately. Just the past week or so it's really been hitting me. Hopefully I'll get to some point where it's a little easier to deal with.
 
  I should be doing more with myself to keep busy, to get things I need to do done, to be healthy and in good mental health, to bolster my well-being. Ya know, simple shit even that I am not doing, like sleeping regular hours, eating well, regular exercise. Keeping my apartment neat and doing dishes and laundry. Finishing work I am behind on from school. Seeing a dentist. Sending out miscellaneous mail and forms and paperwork that I should be getting out for various reasons. Leaving the apartment for at least a bike ride or something every single day. Getting sun and doing stuff. Not drinking so much. Not being online so much. Reading books. Writing stuff. Meditating. Finding ways to bolster my self esteem and a positive outlook. Not spending money inappropiately. Getting a job or trying to get some temp work. 
   Etcetera. As you can see, lots to do, lots should do, and mayhap if I worked on doing such things, I would start feeling more positive. And it may help to alleviate the pain. I am always going to miss my Mom, and always remember my Mom, but at some point I have to not let it hold me up so much or make me sad so much. Of course I'll always feel some sadness... I don't want to get over it precisely, just be able to make it through a few days without crying, even to remember her and smile instead of crying. That's what she'd want.

back in bloggyland and stuff and myriad miscalleneous thoughts..............

i like the dark.
i'm trying to escape the internet and drink more liquor.
i have a few friends whose company i enjoy immensely, though i could always use more.
and i seem to have lost a few good friends recently, but am waiting for confirmation...
oh well.
i also have many interesting peeps i talk to online. though i am trying to not be so wasteful of time on thee mighty internet.
i like to read books. i am currently reading cosmic trigger by robert anton wilson and also the satanic bible by anton szandor lavey. gee i just realized that makes two antons, sort of and i was rather thinking there are things these books have in common, the small bits i have read thus far anyhow. i am also sort of rereading a wild sheep chase by haruki murakami. of course since i am still spending far too much time online, this is all going rather slowly. i have a small vocabulary building book i picked up cheap too and am carrying that around. also there is the buddhist book i am/were reading- a path with heart by jack kornfield. which i am sort of on hiatus from, but will probably skip back to soon b/c i am thinking of having a go at the buddhist thing again now that i am starting to try and get my shit together, after a rather long hiatus from having my shit together in any fashion at all... my shit is still pretty fucked, but i am sorta getting out from under stuff... and trying doing things that i need to be doing... blah etc slowly and haphazardly with little commitment and not so much effort but stumbling towards maybe doing things that need to be done in my life... something like that... haphazardly fumbling with little committed effort... hmmm sounds about right... need more whiskey! i can put a little effort into that... lol... am i going down or up? who the fuck knows... we'll see... ask me in a couple months, if i am still breathing and functional...

 i am also trying some new things, looking for some new things to try, using the internet as an aide for finding my way.... can't say too much more about that actually, funny though i started this blog to somewhat anonymously express miscellaneous myriad thoughts without inhibition... well now i don't want some of my friends/peeps i know who *may* read this to know some of the miscellaneous myriad things i may be up to. lol... i'll have to start another more anonymous blog to babble about that...
 and then i'll give that url to my friends who i don't mind knowing about the stuff i am not disclosing now
 then i will do something i don't want them to know about and i'll have to start an even more secretive and discrete blog.

 dammit.

     i will try to be more regular about updating this, if you read this thing and have some thought to share plz do share a thought so that i know that someone actually is reading this and that will motivate me to bother to post more.

  i am going to go drink now. no, not that whiskey i was going on about, just some water. my head is sore and needs watering...

life is crazy. fucking fuck. i want it to be crazier... like a doing shit going crazy sorta thing instead of a sitting around doing nothing fuck this shit it's crazy sort of thing... something like that. wake up fucker! <<-note to self

miscellaneous mountains of unhappiness and woe

it's bloody amazing how depressed I am,  for a little while I thought the being more sad was a part of waking up and wanting to get more into living but now I am thinking, no I am really in a ridiculous amount of pain here. Too many things going south. People don't like me, I am unsuccessful and totes lack ambition, I am f*cking ugly and fat.

 oh well... I'd babble on more here, but I guess my housemate and I are going to go play some scrabble somewheres.