So yeah, Mom's dead. Been dead since mid-March or so. That's how it is.
For some reason, it seems to be getting harder to deal with the further off it gets. Lately I've found myself thinking about little details. Things from the past, times with her, things about her, things about her death...
Tonite I found myself thinking about how my brother and I sat in the room with her body after she'd passed. Not crying intensely, or freaking out. Even making jokes and laughing a mite. For some reason now, I can't figure how I did that. I almost regret it. Like somehow if I'd cried more and been more bereft right off the bat, it would have been easier now. But how would it have made things better to freak out? If I couldn't stop crying or clung to the body or some such somewhat silly shite? I dunno. Probably it would not. Probably I was dealing okay. But why is it getting harder now?
Of course this makes sense. At the time I could sort of shrug and be like, yeah, it's okay, death is part of life, it was going to happen eventually, she's out of pain now, etcetera... Now I know she's gone and I'll never see her again and it sinks in more and more with every passing day. I just have to find a way to deal with it. I miss her so much. Seems like I can't stop crying off and on lately. Just the past week or so it's really been hitting me. Hopefully I'll get to some point where it's a little easier to deal with.
I should be doing more with myself to keep busy, to get things I need to do done, to be healthy and in good mental health, to bolster my well-being. Ya know, simple shit even that I am not doing, like sleeping regular hours, eating well, regular exercise. Keeping my apartment neat and doing dishes and laundry. Finishing work I am behind on from school. Seeing a dentist. Sending out miscellaneous mail and forms and paperwork that I should be getting out for various reasons. Leaving the apartment for at least a bike ride or something every single day. Getting sun and doing stuff. Not drinking so much. Not being online so much. Reading books. Writing stuff. Meditating. Finding ways to bolster my self esteem and a positive outlook. Not spending money inappropiately. Getting a job or trying to get some temp work.
Etcetera. As you can see, lots to do, lots should do, and mayhap if I worked on doing such things, I would start feeling more positive. And it may help to alleviate the pain. I am always going to miss my Mom, and always remember my Mom, but at some point I have to not let it hold me up so much or make me sad so much. Of course I'll always feel some sadness... I don't want to get over it precisely, just be able to make it through a few days without crying, even to remember her and smile instead of crying. That's what she'd want.
1 comment:
sounds like a rough week or time of things really.
perhaps you have to feel pain, the longer you put it off the more drawn out it will be. it has to come out at some point. some find it best to do it all at once when the event happens, others put it off forever as it slowly eats away at them or something in the middle where perhaps you are living.
for me i used to go through it all at once, purge myself of the sadness and always ended up feeling better in the long run, although as time goes on that seems to be a bit harder or i am learning bad habits or who knows what.
i haven't lost a parent so i have no idea what it is that you are going though.
hang in there.
perhaps some sort of visualization of her to try and communicate with her...tell her what you are feeling may help to open things and let it flow...?
also you know what to do to get your life on track. you laid it all out there. but it is hard yes. feeling too much of a weight?
Post a Comment