ok. I'm not suicidal. I But I am really stuck. Trying to figure shit out...
what I have found myself pondering is the question of what I have to look forward to, reastically.
though I guess I don't know ... of course, who can see the future after all?
but it seems really bleak.
---
what is really eating at me right now is not being to able to handle/form/have/keep close friendships.
well
somewhat more specifically
what do you do when someone who tried to convince you that you were worth their time, their friendship; changes their mind?
I mean, that kind of just affirms the idea that I'm a piece of shit asshole
eh?
it's like 'oh you're right, you really are a fucked up asshole' from someone who was trying to convince me otherwise
---
i really don't think i've got too much to look forward to. life is still always interesting enough and full of enough possibility that i wouldn't want to end it... but...
i'm having trouble mustering the... i dunno, wherewithal, whatever, to really explore it and see what i can do with it, life, i mean...
what's the point? everything seems to end in tears... for me, anyway
---
all kinds of awesome people are slogging away doing all manner of fun, creative, and/or meaningful things; through troubles much greater and more real than mine
and of course there are many many others struggling w/ more or less and doing worse as well
it's all relative
---
i still have no idea how to accomplish the things i would need to accomplish to really live, o er, or even what those things are.
but does anyone?
time to smoke another cigarette and play some more KoL. :/
how the hell do i deal with this shit?
3.30.2007
3.29.2007
stomach ache and other wounds
so
wednesday morning, got to temp agency on time, got cut b/c they overbooked people for the job they were going to send me out to.
so i returned home and spend most of the day poking through my mp3 collection and throwing together a mix cd for a friend.
feeling cheerful, i nipped into the vodka and of course had too much and fell asleep early w/out even finishing stuff in the online rpg thing I've been playing, KoL, which, when I woke post-rollover, I wasn't too happy about it all, being that it was a stat day so I would have gotten bonus stats for each turn played... uh, basically. And I didn't eat, which gets me additional turns. and I'm in hardcore, which means I really needed those stats and turns, damn it.
er, and now, well, i haven't been able to sleep. i got started thinking about one of the friendships started and then killed through me being a dumbass(something like that, don't want to get into specifics here) and, well, can't sleep. basically. and my stomach is all knotted up, whether it's feeling tense/stressy or that i'm not sleeping when i should be, or from drinking earlier, not really sure, probably combination of all those. so i decided not to go to the temp agency in an hour. been up all night and feel ill and sad.
so back to where i was a couple of days ago.
though i suppose in theory instead of getting pissed at life and myself and letting myself wallow in these frustrations again, i could try and make some good decisions anyway, get some sleep and go apply at Target and JimmyJohns and wherever else occurs to me... maybe actually read the classifieds, they are online.
after all giving up isn't really going to help things, eh?
something like that.
I actually feel pretty defeatist about it, but that attitude isn't going to help so... i dunno, i'm not sure how to stop it though.
ugh, stomach is miserable and so am i.
wednesday morning, got to temp agency on time, got cut b/c they overbooked people for the job they were going to send me out to.
so i returned home and spend most of the day poking through my mp3 collection and throwing together a mix cd for a friend.
feeling cheerful, i nipped into the vodka and of course had too much and fell asleep early w/out even finishing stuff in the online rpg thing I've been playing, KoL, which, when I woke post-rollover, I wasn't too happy about it all, being that it was a stat day so I would have gotten bonus stats for each turn played... uh, basically. And I didn't eat, which gets me additional turns. and I'm in hardcore, which means I really needed those stats and turns, damn it.
er, and now, well, i haven't been able to sleep. i got started thinking about one of the friendships started and then killed through me being a dumbass(something like that, don't want to get into specifics here) and, well, can't sleep. basically. and my stomach is all knotted up, whether it's feeling tense/stressy or that i'm not sleeping when i should be, or from drinking earlier, not really sure, probably combination of all those. so i decided not to go to the temp agency in an hour. been up all night and feel ill and sad.
so back to where i was a couple of days ago.
though i suppose in theory instead of getting pissed at life and myself and letting myself wallow in these frustrations again, i could try and make some good decisions anyway, get some sleep and go apply at Target and JimmyJohns and wherever else occurs to me... maybe actually read the classifieds, they are online.
after all giving up isn't really going to help things, eh?
something like that.
I actually feel pretty defeatist about it, but that attitude isn't going to help so... i dunno, i'm not sure how to stop it though.
ugh, stomach is miserable and so am i.
3.27.2007
3/27
today:
- slept most of the day, feeling crappy
was supposed to do temp work @ 5 a.m., was about ten minutes late, they've got me set up for tomorrow morning though
- re-compiled my basic job app. info
- filled out and turned in an app. at a nearby 24 hour convenience store
- got some groceries
- arranged to borrow some more money from my Dad to help w/ rent
- should be in bed by 11 at the latest- reastically it'll end up being midnite though I figure :))
plans for tomorrow:
- be at temp. agency by 5, work eight hours
- pick up promo materials at the night club I'm on the street team for
- apply @ Target and grab some grocery items while there
- slept most of the day, feeling crappy
was supposed to do temp work @ 5 a.m., was about ten minutes late, they've got me set up for tomorrow morning though
- re-compiled my basic job app. info
- filled out and turned in an app. at a nearby 24 hour convenience store
- got some groceries
- arranged to borrow some more money from my Dad to help w/ rent
- should be in bed by 11 at the latest- reastically it'll end up being midnite though I figure :))
plans for tomorrow:
- be at temp. agency by 5, work eight hours
- pick up promo materials at the night club I'm on the street team for
- apply @ Target and grab some grocery items while there
goddamn it!
I need to clean under my fingernails.
I've decided, I guess, that I just need to pursue doing what I need to do for now and not get so caught up in other things... like being depressed or obsessing over stuff, er, people even. Sure.
Just focus on finding a workable job, and getting stuff in my life here sorted out. Sure.
:)
worth a try, eh?
I've decided, I guess, that I just need to pursue doing what I need to do for now and not get so caught up in other things... like being depressed or obsessing over stuff, er, people even. Sure.
Just focus on finding a workable job, and getting stuff in my life here sorted out. Sure.
:)
worth a try, eh?
3.17.2007
blood, fucking, fucking, blood
I have actually been told twice in the last aprox. 2 weeks that I am verbally intelligent. something like that.
what does that Mean?
hmm.
I went to the store today and bought milk, bacon, cigarettes, and beer. this actually being 3 stores. the cooperative grocery, the liquor market, and the super-america.
I previously quit smoking for aprox. 3 months, or, at least the better part of 3 months. I dived back in for a pack one week when I was beleaguered by sadness and stress, but it didn't stick. The smoking, I mean. At the time, didn't stick. Being beleaguered by sadness and stress is the rule rather than the exception it seems.
and hence, again, smoking.
I guess I don't have anything else to say right now.
More so, I have so much that I could say that it's overwhelming.
I don't want to think about it. I will anyway, but...
hmmm...
these posts all run together, despite it being a rather long time.
this doesn't bode well for me at all, of course
I guess this is why I don't know what else to post.
as ever it is like I am at a crux of some kind, like I have decisions to make about how to live and how to be...
as ever I could try and talk about the things I need to do to change
not sure I know them
the things I need to change
not even sure of those any more
"like playing the mmg... you win a bit and lose a bit, then you start losing but bet higher and higher, b/c you think you're due eventually to win... but instead just keep losing till the meat's all gone"
I still don't know entirely what I meant when I said that.
I owe people all kinds of apologies and don't know what to say.
bleak shit, life.
I'm sick of these games...
--- -- -- ---- --
ah, self-demolishment
*smile*
what does that Mean?
hmm.
I went to the store today and bought milk, bacon, cigarettes, and beer. this actually being 3 stores. the cooperative grocery, the liquor market, and the super-america.
I previously quit smoking for aprox. 3 months, or, at least the better part of 3 months. I dived back in for a pack one week when I was beleaguered by sadness and stress, but it didn't stick. The smoking, I mean. At the time, didn't stick. Being beleaguered by sadness and stress is the rule rather than the exception it seems.
and hence, again, smoking.
I guess I don't have anything else to say right now.
More so, I have so much that I could say that it's overwhelming.
I don't want to think about it. I will anyway, but...
hmmm...
these posts all run together, despite it being a rather long time.
this doesn't bode well for me at all, of course
I guess this is why I don't know what else to post.
as ever it is like I am at a crux of some kind, like I have decisions to make about how to live and how to be...
as ever I could try and talk about the things I need to do to change
not sure I know them
the things I need to change
not even sure of those any more
"like playing the mmg... you win a bit and lose a bit, then you start losing but bet higher and higher, b/c you think you're due eventually to win... but instead just keep losing till the meat's all gone"
I still don't know entirely what I meant when I said that.
I owe people all kinds of apologies and don't know what to say.
bleak shit, life.
I'm sick of these games...
--- -- -- ---- --
ah, self-demolishment
*smile*
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