alright. it's still pretty shitey an' confuzzling. but whatever. and i have a headache. errr... fuckity.
i need to drink more water b/c i drank up a few of the whiskey 7's last nite. indeed.
nine in the mornin' nine in the mornin'
i have so many very important things to do.
i'm kinda lonely but i'm not cold.
life. woo.
play kingdom of loathing, dammit. unless you're just not cool enough to play it. then don't. hmmph.
11.05.2006
bologna, okay, needs ketchup. or is it baloney, ok, needs catsup?
it seems entirely possible i'm on the verge of going crazy.
i'm probably exaggerating though.
things go further downhill and it seems the likeliness of me having a mainly friendless and certainly significant other-less existence is maintaining if not increasing.
i'm really hungry right now and i'm too lazy to go to the grocery.
huh.
i should be doing schoolwork or cleaning but instead i am hooked on an online RPG called kingdom of loathing. it is quite engaging and fun and humourous also but still no excuse for neglecting my studies or the messiness that is my room and apt. in general. ouch.
i have a headache.
i'm thirsty.
i really wanna get drunk or at least, kinda wanna get drunk.
i am losing desire to smoke cigarettes it seems. i've only smoked a few a week for the past few weeks. dwindling.
i think my life is heading toward's it's apocalypse rather quickly. convergence of school troubles and financial troubles and psychological troubles and general loneliness and woe and apartment is a mess troubles and interpersonal relations troubles
more ouch
it's not untanglable, i guess.
get a job.
concentrate harder on studies/schoolworks.
pick up the apt. and do dishes and such regularly
is this really insurmountable? no. of course not. but my problems seem to outweigh my potential by far.
yes. i could start simply by regulating my time - do school stuff for at least x hours, clean for x hours, turn in x many job apps. each day; shite like that.
i dunno. or i could get even simpler and start by being sure to eat sleep and breathe proper each and every day b/c even that simple matter is something i neglect. i could try the meditation for a bit 'o time each evening. try not to hate myself i guess. something like that.
but it's all a copout... it's like some sort of catch 22; either i hate myself b/c i'm depressed and angry and i might even need meds. to fix it, or i hate myself for possibly "pretending" to/letting myself be depressed and angry to drop out of life b/c it's easier that way. not trying hard enough to change. i can't figure it out. ha. fucking hilarious. i'm just a whiny fucking c*nt and i should get off my ass.
whatever.
seriously.
no f*ckin' clue.
later rockst*rs,
+ptrsn+
i'm probably exaggerating though.
things go further downhill and it seems the likeliness of me having a mainly friendless and certainly significant other-less existence is maintaining if not increasing.
i'm really hungry right now and i'm too lazy to go to the grocery.
huh.
i should be doing schoolwork or cleaning but instead i am hooked on an online RPG called kingdom of loathing. it is quite engaging and fun and humourous also but still no excuse for neglecting my studies or the messiness that is my room and apt. in general. ouch.
i have a headache.
i'm thirsty.
i really wanna get drunk or at least, kinda wanna get drunk.
i am losing desire to smoke cigarettes it seems. i've only smoked a few a week for the past few weeks. dwindling.
i think my life is heading toward's it's apocalypse rather quickly. convergence of school troubles and financial troubles and psychological troubles and general loneliness and woe and apartment is a mess troubles and interpersonal relations troubles
more ouch
it's not untanglable, i guess.
get a job.
concentrate harder on studies/schoolworks.
pick up the apt. and do dishes and such regularly
is this really insurmountable? no. of course not. but my problems seem to outweigh my potential by far.
yes. i could start simply by regulating my time - do school stuff for at least x hours, clean for x hours, turn in x many job apps. each day; shite like that.
i dunno. or i could get even simpler and start by being sure to eat sleep and breathe proper each and every day b/c even that simple matter is something i neglect. i could try the meditation for a bit 'o time each evening. try not to hate myself i guess. something like that.
but it's all a copout... it's like some sort of catch 22; either i hate myself b/c i'm depressed and angry and i might even need meds. to fix it, or i hate myself for possibly "pretending" to/letting myself be depressed and angry to drop out of life b/c it's easier that way. not trying hard enough to change. i can't figure it out. ha. fucking hilarious. i'm just a whiny fucking c*nt and i should get off my ass.
whatever.
seriously.
no f*ckin' clue.
later rockst*rs,
+ptrsn+
11.01.2006
i'm as calm as a fruit stand in new york and maybe as strange
hungry and cold and hungry and cold, cold like the dead under a few feet of snow in the frozen frozen winter ground
yup. i'm a fuckwit of sorts, been on campus all damn day half-assedly going at a composition project i need to be done with by tomorrow at one thirty.
woot.
wholly unwholesome dirty mess. fingernails jagged with grime underneath.
egregiously greasy and unpleasantly itchy as well.
missed much of sleep, at the club for halloween, drowning in rail whiskey and generic lemon lime soda once more. had the fortune somehow to wake up for class on time this morn, despite the passing out without setting my alarm at 4 or 5 in the morning. class was at 9:05.
all day i have gone without eating except my lovely friend and t.a. of electronic music class shared dried fruit with me. i should have gone home and took a nap and some baked potatoes and then returned late to work on progress b/c sitting here all day has been none too fruitful with the distractions of sleepy and hungry. not to mention cold. did i mention yet that i am very cold?
but last nite before the club i went trick or treating wtih some good friends and that was of course quite pleasant. it is nice to walk about a neighborhood actually speaking to people who live there, though it wasn't my neighborhood. i guess i could talk to people in my neighborhood more when i happen to see them but unfortunately i am shy and hate people.
that isn't true. neither really are. i am intensely nervous about speaking to people i don't know/know well but i am not exactly shy. and i generally like people but sometimes, oftentimes even, want naught to do with them. and i guess the problem with getting to know my neighbors is that then they'd, like, talk to me, whenever i happened into them.
what hell is wrong with me, eh?
enough transmission for today, for this moment anyway, i have stuff to be doing.
snowflakes, not yet.
yup. i'm a fuckwit of sorts, been on campus all damn day half-assedly going at a composition project i need to be done with by tomorrow at one thirty.
woot.
wholly unwholesome dirty mess. fingernails jagged with grime underneath.
egregiously greasy and unpleasantly itchy as well.
missed much of sleep, at the club for halloween, drowning in rail whiskey and generic lemon lime soda once more. had the fortune somehow to wake up for class on time this morn, despite the passing out without setting my alarm at 4 or 5 in the morning. class was at 9:05.
all day i have gone without eating except my lovely friend and t.a. of electronic music class shared dried fruit with me. i should have gone home and took a nap and some baked potatoes and then returned late to work on progress b/c sitting here all day has been none too fruitful with the distractions of sleepy and hungry. not to mention cold. did i mention yet that i am very cold?
but last nite before the club i went trick or treating wtih some good friends and that was of course quite pleasant. it is nice to walk about a neighborhood actually speaking to people who live there, though it wasn't my neighborhood. i guess i could talk to people in my neighborhood more when i happen to see them but unfortunately i am shy and hate people.
that isn't true. neither really are. i am intensely nervous about speaking to people i don't know/know well but i am not exactly shy. and i generally like people but sometimes, oftentimes even, want naught to do with them. and i guess the problem with getting to know my neighbors is that then they'd, like, talk to me, whenever i happened into them.
what hell is wrong with me, eh?
enough transmission for today, for this moment anyway, i have stuff to be doing.
snowflakes, not yet.
the knives in the kitchen are too dull to smile
hungry. still sad that there was no after party hangout after halloween thing at the club. but such is life. i don't work there so oh well. got some good faggot pictures. faggot fucking rocked. yep. and and and i woke up in time for class despite passing out without setting my alarm which is pretty fucking amazing and lucky.
hungry. even a hot dog would be good right now. i have gummy body parts. my friend's mom gave them to me yesterday cuz she didn't get enough trick or treaters and she didn't want two bags of 'em. so i gave a few out at the halloween party. that was fun.
hungry. and lonely still. but feeling better then i were a week ago. for sure. maybe. :)
cold. inhale deep, exhale hard. what next?
hungry. even a hot dog would be good right now. i have gummy body parts. my friend's mom gave them to me yesterday cuz she didn't get enough trick or treaters and she didn't want two bags of 'em. so i gave a few out at the halloween party. that was fun.
hungry. and lonely still. but feeling better then i were a week ago. for sure. maybe. :)
cold. inhale deep, exhale hard. what next?
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