i miss my mom.

pointedly foolish, tis i

i changed the name. i hope that's cool. url is the same. i like the new title better, i dunno if the contents were as random and weird as the old name suggested. that was simply b/c of my using the screen name "random weirdo" at the tcpunk messageboard.

oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän| noun a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g., faith unfaithful kept him falsely true). DERIVATIVES oxymoronic |-məˈränik| adjective ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Greek oxumōron, neuter (used as a noun) of oxumōros ‘pointedly foolish,’ from oxus ‘sharp’ + mōros ‘foolish.’

this is from a comment i made whilst talking to my video instructor last night, she had said some nice things about me, as we were sort of discussing my lack of confidence in myself as an artist and other such things. i was telling how i really do feel that i have alot of potential and could do whatever i wanted if i just put my mind to it, and than that i don't... ;) and she looked confused and i just shrugged and said "I'm an oxymoron" and went on to note again my lack of self-confidence as an artist, as well as my lack of drive or motivation. anyway that was a cool lil' conversation. the comment itself indicates something i've felt about myself for a long time, i am an oxymoron, there are many things true of me that would seem to contradict themselves, for example being both shy/insecure socially and maniacally gregarious. being an immensely talented and intelligent person in theory but not so much practice. being good at brainstorming and suggesting ideas to others but not so good at coming up with and committing to and following through with my own. being relatively well aware of things that are causing me problems, yet not quite able to fix them. for example i know i have problems socializing and could tell you alot about what they are and how they manifest themselves but i can't just fix them. i guess part of it is that while i used to think maybe i could, i probably don't know exactly what the root cause of the problems are, what it is that's happened that made me that way. i actually used to think i understood that better and more recently have come to realize that is not the case. :) anyway i know that i actually can fix it and that's one of the things i am going to be working on. if i don't like something about myself i just change it... yeah... we'll see how that goes in practice, after all it's not like i didn't already know that was an option. but... yeah. if i stop thinking it's not gonna work, maybe it will ;)
well that got sidetracked and babble-y. anyway, blog name changed. lemme know what you think, all you one to three or so people that actually read this stuff....

i have to say, today was a good day

this is an experience in taking an incredibly awesome evening and deconstructing it until i think it was crap. kind of what i do. compulsively rethink and pick over things until i find the cracks. i really should just say no. i am not going to do this...

tonite was the opening reception for the mfa and bfa shows in the u of mn art dept. i was feeling kind of wonky- tired and a lil' sick after lack of sleep, a morning of work, and not eating alot today. but when i get like that i get really open, sort of emotional, but really just open to experience- sometimes. anyway that's really how it seemed this afternoon. i went over to look at the art that was up before the reception to avoid the crowds and there was some really good stuff that resonated with me quite strongly...
i ran into a friend who graduated last year and really enjoyed talking to him about art and life and whatnot.
viewed performance piece involving burning sculptures that a friend of mine was/is(it's sort of ongoing) as part of the bfa show...
ran into my instructor for my video class who told me she ran into another instructor of mine, my digital music synthesis instructor, and they talked about me, about having faith in my artistic abilities, and she paid me a couple other major compliments too...
i should just accept them. and be glad in the other experiences and conversations i've had today that i have greatly enjoyed or been moved in some fashion by... i have a tendency to dig and pick at things and think of what i regret in a situation rather than what was awesome. and i have a tendency to find holes in things, like getting compliments from instructors about my abilities, rather than accept that they really think the those things... i'm going to try and not do that anymore... it's nice to feel good.

old wounds, scars, bleeding and whatnot

former housemate guy came by today and picked stuff up. sweetheart, took time to hang out and talk to me about how things are going and whatnot. he's kinda been helping along with the buddhism, and whatnot, getting my head straight and shit. somehow i ended up talking about some painful incidents from my childhood... shit i have kinda bottled up mainly for years, though i guess it doesn't seem like it's hurt anything. i'm sure it has though, not having properly dealt with all manner of crap from younger days... i don't know what to do now, he's taken off back to wife and home and i didn't really get to go into it too much, it would have been nice to have talked more but at the same time it's not right for me to expect him to play therapist.
just not sure what to do at the moment. and i am sad additionally just that he's moved cuz i got sort of attached to him... but we're friends and it's cool...
i don't know if i should think more about it or let it fall back into the recesses of my mind- the whole matter of incidents in my childhood and teenage years that fucked things up in me that i probably have never really realized fully.
i do have a psychologist appt. next week, hopefully the guy i'm seeing will work out and i can start healing some of this crap. i could just put it out of mind until than... i don't know if that's the right way to go though.
the thing is with this shit, it's okay. that's kind of something i've told myself, i've thought about. even if life's been shitty, it's made me the person i am today and that's definitely not all bad. can't change the past. the past is what's made me who i am. and there are alot of things i like about who i am that go back to the bad as well as the good. perhaps more the bad than the good. even if i really don't like myself and am constantly putting myself down and regretting 3/4 of every moment of my life, if i really think about it, i do like myself. there are good things about me. and i would be a very different person if i had a different past, i wouldn't know the difference of course... but anyway i don't know that the person i would have turned out to be if things were different would be as cool as the person i am now. so i guess i should just be cool with having had a fucked up childhood and a fucked up teenhood... and just try and find my path now to be alright with myself and happy.

damnation and more headaches

 
 i keep almost starting to feel okay and get myself and go do things and than i start feeling like shit again and start crying. it's unbelievable. it's really really really fucked-up. i am pretty sure i am genuinely psychologically unsound. or something like that. maybe i need medication? 
i mean i can't say too much to explain that except that i am letting things get to me and drive me nuts besides the obvious and important fact that my mother just passed away from complications stemming from ovarian cancer and on top of that it's genetic. why even stop smoking when i am going to have a deadly cancer within the next decade anyway? maybe that is what's really bothering me. but i keep getting obsessed with something else and it's driving me batshit. and it's not really stuff i should get into too deeply on here. probably i should be writing in my notebook. 

 part of this whole problem is that i think i want to be fucked up. i want to plummet. i don't get it and i can't explain it but it seems to be so. 

 i've joked about wanting to develop a drug habit that would totally fuck up my life so that when i got my shit together it would be special.

 i dunno. 

 but i can't seem to shake this tailspin. 

damned hyper internet obsession what hell wrong with me posting again already

 i am thinking i might just start smoking again because it helps and it beats sitting here not wanting to leave the house messing around on the internet. if having a cigarette makes it easier to deal with the world maybe it would be
better to just get a pack and let myself do it for now and quit when i feel more ready?

 i don't know if it's going to help anything though. maybe if i just get off my ass and start doing. minus cigarettes. it just feels like it'd be easier for me to get up and get out there and do what i need to with a cigarette. 
 
 wtf?

 i wonder if i should just try and it see? but if it helps maybe that just makes more addicted and i shoud still ride this out without smoking? 

aagh. 

damn damn

damn

trying meditating today and just can't do it. mind keeps wandering and i ended up feeling worse. now what do i do? guess just try again maybe tonite before bed or just do it again tomorrow. maybe try loving kindness meditation. maybe give up on the whole thing and go get some whiskey or something... 
 bloody hell. 
keeping this chronicle seems to be helping. 
but i still wish i just had a friend to talk about this stuff with. guess i'll have to hire a psychologist. 
maybe start going to a meditation center/group thingey... i know there are a few around here.. 
hmm... 
just gotta find a way to convince me i'm okay, i guess that's what i am trying to do... 

archeology and melancholy

 it's weird how some, many, of my things here at home, hell sort of even my home, feel like artifacts leftover from another life. it seems like i might have to restructure everything to get comfortable here again. 
  it seems like alot of the same music i don't even feel like listening to any more. not right now anyway, not as much as maybe before. that's just sometimes. sometimes i have to listen to something different. i am trying out Ryan Adams and also Whiskeytown right now. 

 I have to try and get my shit together with school. haven't even gone to campus yet, while i did just get back here sunday night. i might go to a couple classes today, definitely am going to campus. might even hang out at the electronic music studio and work on some stuff for a class.
 dunno though, school might feel weird too. i'm nervous again, like for some reason going to familiar campus after such a radical change in my life is going to fuck with my head. i don't get it but i definitely feel it. then again maybe i'm letting myself get carried away b/c it gives me an excuse to avoid responsibility. 

  i think my main goals right now are just to meditate every day and get some exercise every day- probably just walking, but gots to be doing somesuch... 

  i haven't been smoking but i am waffling, not
fully committed 'cuz of liking to smoke. and i haven't been tested yet by being around smokers alot or going to shows/bars... 

   okay... i should go now. not taking up too much time messing about online/with computer is also something i am trying to do right now. i have a hardcore internet problem it seems... let it suck away way too much of my time... ;)

-- PBM -- 
out

toothache and headache and heartache

i need a dentist i need psychological help i keep f*cking up my own head and crying to people to help me fix it. i guess. but there is all manner of perfectly good reasons for my head to be broken... but do i really need someone else to tell me i should take a few deep breaths and relax, try some medition exercise or somesuch? I can figure out that maybe I should do that, right? but it still helps to have some one else care enough to listen to my frustrations and give me ideas for sorting them out, even if i could perhaps figure it out myself. 
 
 and Mom's gone. keep reminding myself i'm never going to see her again. 
 all this crap in my head to sort out and i keep having to remind myself of this too... and i don't know what this latest has broken and what was already broken or if i am just obsessed with being broken because i want someone to rescue me. and maybe i am just fine. but my head hurts and i feel neurotic and want a cigarette but i quit and it wouldn't maybe help would just make cough.
   my friend who's been putting up with my rants and calming me down suddenly doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. 
  i tried calling one of my closest friends from way back and he doesn't even seem interested in asking what's been going on. and i don't know what to do because he's got all sorts of problems of his own to deal with. 
   my brother is too entangled with his girlfriend to be of any use. 
  my other real close friend is across the damn country and  is super hard to get ahold of. 
 i do have another  good local friend but she too has a lot of issues of her own.
  so i guess i just have to take care of myself or something. it's not that i don't know what i should do, it just feels better if someone will talk to me about it and make a suggestion like they give a damn. 
  it's probably better if i just stand on my own.

here...

mania. i am unhappy. i know nothing. i am...

i'm fine. alive, breathing, unwashed...(no water at my brother's place...)...

My Mother is sick and dying of cancer. Right now at this very moment. I am here and trying to spend what time with her I can. My Uncle is there taking care of her while she is sick, today she doesn't feel up to having us(my brother and I) visit. So I am right now sitting in a bar which has wireless internet, drinking cheap beer. I just ate a cheeseburger and some french fries.
Would rather be at Mom's side.
...................................................................

healing

And out of the black box soul
a flower began to grow
and as flowers need sunshine
so the sun shone
and as flowers need rain
there also was much rain
a cool cleansing rain it was
and the sun shone
and the rain fell
and the blackness was washed away
and the soul shimmered and was no longer
a black box
but became a beautiful garden


pbm saturday april 1 12:50 a.m.