damnation and more headaches

 
 i keep almost starting to feel okay and get myself and go do things and than i start feeling like shit again and start crying. it's unbelievable. it's really really really fucked-up. i am pretty sure i am genuinely psychologically unsound. or something like that. maybe i need medication? 
i mean i can't say too much to explain that except that i am letting things get to me and drive me nuts besides the obvious and important fact that my mother just passed away from complications stemming from ovarian cancer and on top of that it's genetic. why even stop smoking when i am going to have a deadly cancer within the next decade anyway? maybe that is what's really bothering me. but i keep getting obsessed with something else and it's driving me batshit. and it's not really stuff i should get into too deeply on here. probably i should be writing in my notebook. 

 part of this whole problem is that i think i want to be fucked up. i want to plummet. i don't get it and i can't explain it but it seems to be so. 

 i've joked about wanting to develop a drug habit that would totally fuck up my life so that when i got my shit together it would be special.

 i dunno. 

 but i can't seem to shake this tailspin.