former housemate guy came by today and picked stuff up. sweetheart, took time to hang out and talk to me about how things are going and whatnot. he's kinda been helping along with the buddhism, and whatnot, getting my head straight and shit. somehow i ended up talking about some painful incidents from my childhood... shit i have kinda bottled up mainly for years, though i guess it doesn't seem like it's hurt anything. i'm sure it has though, not having properly dealt with all manner of crap from younger days... i don't know what to do now, he's taken off back to wife and home and i didn't really get to go into it too much, it would have been nice to have talked more but at the same time it's not right for me to expect him to play therapist.
just not sure what to do at the moment. and i am sad additionally just that he's moved cuz i got sort of attached to him... but we're friends and it's cool...
i don't know if i should think more about it or let it fall back into the recesses of my mind- the whole matter of incidents in my childhood and teenage years that fucked things up in me that i probably have never really realized fully.
i do have a psychologist appt. next week, hopefully the guy i'm seeing will work out and i can start healing some of this crap. i could just put it out of mind until than... i don't know if that's the right way to go though.
the thing is with this shit, it's okay. that's kind of something i've told myself, i've thought about. even if life's been shitty, it's made me the person i am today and that's definitely not all bad. can't change the past. the past is what's made me who i am. and there are alot of things i like about who i am that go back to the bad as well as the good. perhaps more the bad than the good. even if i really don't like myself and am constantly putting myself down and regretting 3/4 of every moment of my life, if i really think about it, i do like myself. there are good things about me. and i would be a very different person if i had a different past, i wouldn't know the difference of course... but anyway i don't know that the person i would have turned out to be if things were different would be as cool as the person i am now. so i guess i should just be cool with having had a fucked up childhood and a fucked up teenhood... and just try and find my path now to be alright with myself and happy.
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