pointedly foolish, tis i

i changed the name. i hope that's cool. url is the same. i like the new title better, i dunno if the contents were as random and weird as the old name suggested. that was simply b/c of my using the screen name "random weirdo" at the tcpunk messageboard.

oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän| noun a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g., faith unfaithful kept him falsely true). DERIVATIVES oxymoronic |-məˈränik| adjective ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Greek oxumōron, neuter (used as a noun) of oxumōros ‘pointedly foolish,’ from oxus ‘sharp’ + mōros ‘foolish.’

this is from a comment i made whilst talking to my video instructor last night, she had said some nice things about me, as we were sort of discussing my lack of confidence in myself as an artist and other such things. i was telling how i really do feel that i have alot of potential and could do whatever i wanted if i just put my mind to it, and than that i don't... ;) and she looked confused and i just shrugged and said "I'm an oxymoron" and went on to note again my lack of self-confidence as an artist, as well as my lack of drive or motivation. anyway that was a cool lil' conversation. the comment itself indicates something i've felt about myself for a long time, i am an oxymoron, there are many things true of me that would seem to contradict themselves, for example being both shy/insecure socially and maniacally gregarious. being an immensely talented and intelligent person in theory but not so much practice. being good at brainstorming and suggesting ideas to others but not so good at coming up with and committing to and following through with my own. being relatively well aware of things that are causing me problems, yet not quite able to fix them. for example i know i have problems socializing and could tell you alot about what they are and how they manifest themselves but i can't just fix them. i guess part of it is that while i used to think maybe i could, i probably don't know exactly what the root cause of the problems are, what it is that's happened that made me that way. i actually used to think i understood that better and more recently have come to realize that is not the case. :) anyway i know that i actually can fix it and that's one of the things i am going to be working on. if i don't like something about myself i just change it... yeah... we'll see how that goes in practice, after all it's not like i didn't already know that was an option. but... yeah. if i stop thinking it's not gonna work, maybe it will ;)
well that got sidetracked and babble-y. anyway, blog name changed. lemme know what you think, all you one to three or so people that actually read this stuff....