bologna, okay, needs ketchup. or is it baloney, ok, needs catsup?

it seems entirely possible i'm on the verge of going crazy.

i'm probably exaggerating though.

things go further downhill and it seems the likeliness of me having a mainly friendless and certainly significant other-less existence is maintaining if not increasing. 

i'm really hungry right now and i'm too lazy to go to the grocery.
huh.

 i should be doing schoolwork or cleaning but instead i am hooked on an online RPG called kingdom of loathing. it is quite engaging and fun and humourous also but still no excuse for neglecting my studies or the messiness that is my room and apt. in general. ouch.

 i have a headache.

 i'm thirsty.

 i really wanna get drunk or at least, kinda wanna get drunk.

 i am losing desire to smoke cigarettes it seems. i've only smoked a few a week for the past few weeks. dwindling.

 i think my life is heading toward's it's apocalypse rather quickly. convergence of school troubles and financial troubles and psychological troubles and general loneliness and woe and apartment is a mess troubles and interpersonal relations troubles
more ouch

 it's not untanglable, i guess.

 get a job.
 concentrate harder on studies/schoolworks.
 pick up the apt. and do dishes and such regularly
 
 is this really insurmountable? no. of course not. but my problems seem to outweigh my potential by far.

 yes. i could start simply by regulating my time - do school stuff for at least x hours, clean for x hours, turn in x many job apps. each day; shite like that.

i dunno. or i could get even simpler and start by being sure to eat sleep and breathe proper each and every day b/c even that simple matter is something i neglect. i could try the meditation for a bit 'o time each evening. try not to hate myself i guess. something like that.

 but it's all a copout... it's like some sort of catch 22; either i hate myself b/c i'm  depressed and angry and i might even need meds. to fix it, or i hate myself for possibly "pretending" to/letting myself  be depressed and angry to drop out of life b/c it's easier that way. not trying hard enough to change. i can't figure it out. ha. fucking hilarious. i'm just a whiny fucking c*nt and i should get off my ass.

whatever.

seriously.

no f*ckin' clue.

later rockst*rs,

 +ptrsn+