head hurts

i think maybe i am just going to keep beating myself up till i give up and blow my brains out or somesuch. or i am not going to do that. but whatever the case it still seems that i am adamantly going nowhere of note. stale, stalled, something else that suggests a lack of motion of beginning with the letter "s" as apparently i am fond of alliteration. i have to think about the times i have felt happy and productive and figure out what was different about those times. there weren't very many times like that however. and even during those times it's not as if i found success in life, i just felt less like shit for a bit generally for external reasons like a really cool poetry class for example. it is true generally that having a good writing class helps me feel better because i seem to somewhat good at writing poetry. something like that. the problems though of not having many friends and feeling very uncertain of the very scant few i have and feeling very lonely and wishing for things other than the things that i have and generally sucking at life in general don't just go away. now it seems that some of my problems may stem from misplaced attachments... "unskillful" attachments, something like that. just seeing the things i have typed out. and also a severe lack of self-confidence.

 i don't really know what to do next. or i know everything to do next and not how to do it. an overwhelming amount of things that i should be doing when sitting here on the computer seems easier. i am scared of the world and of doing it seems. i have trouble getting off the couch and setting down my laptop just to make meals, much less leave the apartment and do important things out in other bits of the world.
 that's not to say i don't do anything. yesterday i helped tape three episodes of a local t.v. program. and i had fun and maybe it helped my self-confidence though it's really hard to say because it generally seems that i don't amount to much as a camera operator and even when i think i did good work i don't seem to get that feedback from "higher ups" on the crew. and it bugs me to be disincluded in things like planning and idea generating because i think i am creative and clever and very useful in a brainstorming session. of course it undermines what confidence i seem to have that they don't seem to think i am creative and clever and useful, they just want me to carry things where they tell me to and shoot what they tell me to when i am operating the camera. it seems often that they give me little credit for having a functioning brain. i mean, i like most of these ppl and enjoy talking to them when i have the chance to, but nonetheless i feel that what i am saying is true. and also it really doesn't seem like they like me or find me interesting or anything, everyone usually talks a bit more to a friend of mine who has been doing the show far less time than i, in part b/c she is more outgoing than i but it also feels like it is mainly because she is way more physically attractive than i(she is awesome, i don't mean these comments as a slight towards her by any means). meh.

 oh and i just found out that a bunch of Mom's belongings that were stored at my brother's were gone through and thrown out by some kid hired by the overzealous landlord to break into the house and start cleaning it out without any notice given to my brother. He says he was able to recover most stuff from the dumpster it was tossed into and most of  the stuff i was still interested in was already safely in storage. He had a really nice leather jacket of Mom's that was taken, and also the motorcycle Mom left him. Hopefully not the tools also, I am not sure. We got into an argument because it sounded like he was trying to minimize the loss so I wouldn't feel so bad and I just wanted to know the truth. I guess I just have a hard time believing he actually got as much stuff to storage as he claims since the last time I was up there to pick stuff up and bring it home. I know I had some special items Mom gave me there yet... Hopefully they made it out safely. I guess I'll have to make it there soon to get more stuff and make sure it's still there. Though I guess if it's gone it's just gone and I will have to accept that. He's planning on taking the landlord to court. And his girlfriend's sister, whom they were staying with and supposed to be renting from after they completed their garage and a living space above it, wigged out on them and won't return a bunch of stuff of theirs including valuable baseball cards left to myself and him that he had stored there for safekeeping. Fucking awesome. And there is still the matter of my uncle and figuring out how he handled things, b/c things seem to have been mishandled-- he was the executer. There's some weird stuff... and the way he handled things right after she passed away was pretty fucked up, the way he handled the funeral was somewhat fucked up, pretty much everything he was involved with was fucked... i dunno...

 I am getting so much closer to just giving up on all this and either dying myself or just going someplace else far away and, i dunno, becoming a mindless junkie or something. i have no fucking clue. just sick of this shit.

 so, circular, back to the beginning or thereabouts... i don't know how to deal with any of this and am failing miserably.
what next?