interesting interesting-
saturday
i spent the day mucking about in the drek of the internet mostly downloading porno, though i also did my taxes.
my housemate spent the day meditating.
--
here's some happy shite i just now typed into word and am copying copying o'er:
March 27, 2006
My head is in a place that’s broken and this world is no place for me anyway
Things happen without me and I feel like less of a person
I feel like I am not a person
I have no worthwhile tales to share
I have no worthwhile future to expect
Present is pain loss and loneliness
I can’t be in this present
I can’t attend to everything going on inside myself with patient loving kindness
I just want to run
Cut myself, burn myself
Drink copious amounts of whiskey and bang my head against a wall till I pass out
How the hell am I ever gonna fix this shit?
--
don't worry, i am not actually cutting nor burning nor banging my head on anything nor even drinking copious amounts of booze... well, occasionally i drink copious amts. of booze, but not on a regular basis
i am reading about meditation and buddhism and such, but i can't chill out enough to actually commit or try anything. i haven't even dedicated myself fully to the reading i'm doing.
in part i'm just copying my housemate, cuz he's so together and calm
even though he's too serious and reserved. this isn't really true at all. .... .... ....
i can't figure out if i want him or want to be him, in part i feel like i am very interested in him, like romantically, sexually, or at least getting to know and trust him as a friend(and wanting him to want to get to know and trust me). none of these seem to be real options. (there are perfectly good reasons these aren't options, at least the first two. as for the last one, well i guess he just doesn't like me that much.)
at the same time i am just very very envious of the guy. he has and is much that i want to achieve. i find myself wondering if my desire to forge a friendship with him is based on a genuine desire and liking... or this sort of envy
it's a little frustrating. and all the more so b/c i am going to be losing track of him soon anyway, well not entirely... i'll chat with him on the internet. but he won't be around to smile and ask how my day's going anymore... a smile emoticon just isn't the same...
as if i didn't have other things going on in my life. i keep getting distracted by how interested in this damn guy i am.
it's probably just a strategy my subconcious(semiconcious might be more accurate, as i am somewhat aware) is using to avoid dealing with the real hardcore shit going on. i don't think i'm going to type about that right now. but it's serious.
well this is probably enough rambling for now. why am i posting honest and true feelings and shite on the open internets? well, why not? it helps get my thoughts out.
peace and all that shite,
PBM
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