my eyes hurt...

i guess i haven't updated in a while. not much to say, really. i don't know what's going on. i can't tell if things are getting shittier or better. i don't know if there's any point to anything. i am still extremely fucking lonely and generally unhappy. it seems the unrequited crushes scene is getting worse, though on friendships i guess i am doing better. i fucking hate this heat.

yeah, so, whatever. i dunno. sort of aborting the class it seems, though i am enrolled and still attending for the most part. but today i just ain't going... just fucked. stupid head is aching the heat is making me crazy i am short on sleep and i have no project to turn in... if you're in my class and you're reading this plz ignore that last part...

damn it i am thirsty and filled with rage at everything... argh.

there was a bat in my apartment last night, i thought it was super cute though i didn't want him flying into my head... he would find a spot and hang out for a little bit, then fly around the room 3-4 times then settle down again... then fly around again... he was sitting for a while and i prodded him lightly with a broom handle b/c i had decided to see if i could figure a way to coax him into the kitchen as there is a door to an outside balcony in there, he started flying about again and i wasn't sure what to do next, when the poor guy smacked into a wall and fell... i was worried about him, but had to get him out of there so i threw my sweater over him and carefully carried him and sweater outside, was able to release him and he flew away, so hopefully he is okay.

so about the same as the last post. obviously i am not going to get any better at this shit... life or whatever... silly thing to say, but it seems true. yeah, whatever, just get off your ass and do your schoolwork, your dishes, your cleaning, and all that other shit... it should be that easy, eh? guess i'm just fucking broken... lazy... something...


and i fucking hate couples. i fucking hate seeing ppl hug and cuddle and makeout. it's even worse if it involves someone i kinda have a crush on myself. yeah rub it in assholes... i mean, of course i am happy for others that are happy and experiencing a good relationship, romance, love whatever... esp. my friends. i am just lonely and depressed... i even actually cried when i saw my psychologist yesterday, telling him how seeing a friend and her boyfriend cuddling at a concert made me go outside and almost cry... and i have been avoiding crying at the psych. office, i mean it's gotta happen eventually, but i am still not comfortable enough there really...

distressed rambles

so i don't know what's happening now. it seems like i've turned about and given up. sort of. i mean, i haven't been trying to meditate regularly or even finished reading the awesome book i started reading a few months ago about meditation... i am in some sort of daze. i have been getting out and socializing kinda, drinking copious amounts of whiskey 7's and beers... developing new crushes... still being frustrated about the "old" ones... being frustrated about being fucking lonely. trying to figure out how these human mating rituals work, i hear sometimes people go out on dates-- i don't think i've actually been on a "date" ever ever... i've certainly never been asked... this is frustrating to me...
  i have piles and piles of skool work(the piles are mainly metaphorical), of laundry(these piles exist in the physical world), and all sorts of cleaning and organizing to do around the house. i have to find a dentist who will fix the holes in my teeth that are getting bigger all the fucking time. i should look into getting back on prozac probably. i have financial aid paperwork that is holding up fall award possibly and i still haven't done it even though it's simple stuff and i have the documents i need to send in. i had dishes piling up for weeks, but i actually did most of those finally yesterday afternoon. my room is a sea of miscellany calling out for some sense of order. i just about hate fucking everything.

 i started a new class today,  a may session class - that means it's just a short intensive course- 9-12 m-f for the next three weeks. it seems cool, it seems like maybe it'll help me get creative and active and doing and making but i feel so not creative and not active and anti-doing -- mayhap more destructive if anything. i just don't know what to do with myself. i'm going fucking insane.

 i am so goddamned scared of the world. i can't survive in this place. i don't know anything about how to deal with it. i can't even cope with having friends if i actually have them i freak out b/c i don't know what they think of me and i don't think they like me or i worry that they won't like me eventually when they get to me better or ...
 i dunno, i just feel so goddamned small and scared and lonely...

 i'm sure i'll be fine. eventually.

memories on Mom's birthday

 






Mom was down to see me for a Flogging Molly show and spent a couple days at my place in Mpls. last summer.
 We were walking around and decided we wanted ice cream. There was a Cold Stone Creamery near where we were, but I convinced Mom that locally owned little
Sebastian Joe's was the place to go... after that tasty homeade cone,
she agreed. It was a bit of a hike, but as she would tell you, it was worth it.





  While walking home from Sebastian Joe's we found this bowling ball in the grass. We kicked the bowling ball about ten blocks... it was fun. I still have it.



  This is a more recent photo, Mom dressed for chemo treatment, with the trenchcoat (that my housemate in Mpls had given her while she was visiting) for cover so she could surprise the nurses... Not that they were surprised, she was always up to something like that...




  Mom striking a pose at Relay for Life a couple years back. This is an awesome pic, but I wish I had the one from last year of her doing a wheelie in her wheel chair, it was either the same day or day after a chemo treatment... and there she was at the Relay... ;)
 Relay for Life is an annual walk to raise money for the American Cancer Society. The Duluth one is at St. Scholastica in July and a team of family and friends of my Mom will be walking in her memory. (ya wanna donate some dough? lemme know :) )

 



  another pic from the Dragon Boat practices...





  This is from a couple of summers ago when Mom and I went to the Carlton County Fair in Barnum, MN. I try to go every year 'cuz I grew up showing heifers and entering 4-H projects at this fair, my Dad's farm was in Carlton Cty.(he doesn't have it any more)... when I was a kid I was there every day riding rides, playing games, and running about practically from open to close. Anyway, there's Mom enjoying some delicious sweet corn on the cob by a propane tank piggie. Good times...





 another pic at O'Donovan's Irish Pub, this before a Flogging Molly show at First Avenue across the street.
 Mom enjoying a smoke after some delicious O'd's fish and chips and looking good. She was a hella sharp dresser, weren't she? I love that hat. My Grandpa has it now and I am sure he wears it with pride.


 

here's another pic of her post-FM show with Dave King. This one's after the Irish Fest in St. Paul at a pub called the Liffey.




This is Mom being wacky, apparently there was a cartoon with a wacky fellow going to Six Flags that was she is dressing like here, cuz she thought it was funny. It is pretty funny, though I never saw the commercial...

Well that's all I got for now. I have scads more on various cd-r's that are not organized well at all, one of these days, soon, I have to go through them and find the rest of my pix...

  thanks for visiting and enjoying these memories with me.


I have somewhat of a dearth of close friends about Mpls right now, but if anyone reads this that knows me or sorta knows me and wants to join me, I am planning on going to O'D's to drink some Finnegan's and mayhap have some tasty food in her memory this afternoon. Should be around 5:30/6 methinks. Feel free to contact me to confirm whatever means you may have of getting in touch with me(pm, im, email, lve a msg here... ). O'Donovan's is the Irish pub across from First Ave, Finnegan's is an Irish Ale that tastes good and donates profits to charity. Mom loved the stuff. Guinness too...
Thanks.

more pix 'o me Ma

 this first one's just a test, to see if i can link to pictures from the family website...

  that's Mom and Jesse, it's a practice for the Lake Superior Dragon Boat races that she participated in with coworkers from Fon Du Luth Casino last year. She did it right after a chemo treatment. She was hella tough.

 Hope this posts, if it does, more to come... if not, more to come eventually I just have to put the pix up somewhere else first...

5/17/2006

 happy birthday Mom, wherever you are. I wish we could talk again...



 maybe i'll post more later...

longing, loss, and miscellaneous woe

   i am desperately lonely and sad. and i realized today that, while i wouldn't say i lack a will to live, basically; i seem unable to fully commit to being alive, taking care of myself, doing things that are healthful and helpful for myself, etcetera... something like that. it's frustrating and ridiculous to whine about things i'm not doing that i could simply, in theory, choose to do...
it's just got me seriously wondering what is the point of being alive? I don't mean I am considering not being alive..., just really really wondering. I mean I'm basically alone in life and it doesn't seem likely that that is going to change, and I am really f*cking lonely. And i almost entirely lack a drive to make something more of life, it just seems kind of hopeless. So, what's the point?

maybe i should be on prozac or something, i dunno..



 and tomorrow's Mom's birthday.
I really really miss Mom.

Mom

This past New Year's... had about as much fun as you can in a hospital, eating Chinese food and watching tv...


Mom always liked to try and make things more fun... wearing shiny flamingo boxers to chemo, writing messages for the dr. on her body when she went on for surgery, putting stuff on her iv rig... ;)





Ma and Dave King giving eachother the business...





Me and Mom and my brother, guy with his head cut-off is a son of a friend of Mom's..., don't remember if this is pre or post FM show @ First Ave... if it's post I am hella hella wasted...






Mom and Hunter.


R.I.P.


Hunter got hit by a truck in February, Mom passed away from complications due to Ovarian Cancer last month.


Her 49th birthday would've been this Wednesday... probably I am going to O'd's to have a few Finnegan's for her...


Listening to Flogging Molly right now...

smoke, ashes

sittin' here, fat, naked. sad.

the old music makes me sad. it doesn't matter if it's something Mom liked or not or if we listened to it together it's not that, it's just like there is a weird divide... some of what i like and listened to often before Mom died is somehow indicative of that time... which isn't any particular time, just the time I still had my Mom... 

it's all a a joke and so are you...

It feels like jesus on the cross.
It's so religious in it's loss:
A graven image in the mud,
like when I shed my precious blood.

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

Atrophic interludes weave through my life far too often
for me to fight the biggest enemies.
I have no feelings, like love or pain, it makes me go insane
when I see what's happening to me... I say:

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

There are no idols, no heroes in a world of death.
It's all a joke and so are you,
and so am I... think? just look and see...
It's a fucked reality.


-- "fucked reality" choking victim

not that depressed, just love this song...

"fuck you and fuck the universe"

laying here listening to ryan adams and contemplating grabbing a beer or a whiskey + vault soda... 
which is not what i should be doing
 things i should be doing--
  attending the last digital music synthesis class of the semester
  working on a piece for my other electronic music class for turning in tomorrow
  walking to the post office to mail out important paperwork
  cleaning
  laundry
  dishes

 among other possibilities of things that would be more useful than sitting here listening to ryan adams and contemplating drinkin' and writing in my blog.

 hmm...

quiet and dangerous
 loud and perfectly harmless

 

 ;)
overly fond of emoticons

my horoscope says i need to muster my self-discipline and let the universe know i am reporting for duty. 
 i don't know if i like the sound of that, actually. 
 i guess that means i should try harder, though.
;)
 
 so i was feeling really shitty yesterday, i am not feeling much better know... or well i sort-of am... but... 
 i dunno...
jus' gotta get my shit together and do the things i need to do...  and stop whining... 

 i can't believe this... i am absolutely certain that i am irrepairable. my belief that the damage is too deep is just, well it seems unshakable. it's just not gonna happen. so what can i do if i can't find it in myself to go forward? 
 it doesn't matter that i muster occasionally enough of an energy or whatever to think i could change. i don't believe. i have NO belief in myself whatsoever in that respect. i'm fucked. i'm just a weirdo who'll always be on the sideline maybe tolerated but probably not liked. 
  and i ain't going to accomplish shit. 
 i'm crazy, that's that. 
fuck it... 

 i shouldn't think too much. or something. i am just sick of everything. it seems like noone actually likes me, just sometimes people take pity on me and are nice to me... or maybe just too nice to tell to me to go away. 
 i don't know what to do about it... i don't know why people don't like me, i couldn't explain what's so fucked up about me... people just don't like me. i'm just... probably it's just that i am needy and somehow that seeps out even if i try not to be... i guess i dunno, but ... whatever... maybe this psychologist guy tomorrow will have some insight... or maybe i should just give up on the idea of having friends... but i can't just keep to myself, i can't just not go out and do things... even if i don't do much of anything i find some way to rub people the wrong way... 

miscellaneous jibber jabber

right now i am being silly. i am sad and kind of angry and frustrated. smoked 2 cigarettes today. but i haven't done anything to combat it really. it's not like i can say i'm trying to fix things and it's not working- honestly. it's funny that i am thinking about giving up on finding a better path for myself or whatever... 
 when i have barely given this a chance. it's pretty much the sort of thing i usually do, take a half-assed stab at something, shrug and move on when it doesn't catch. i guess i am just lazy. 
  i can't expect to get anywhere without committing to make changes in my life and myself and following through. i guess there's alot to do in my life right now and i'm kind of overwhelmed, but being overwhelmed doesn't mean i should say fuck it and do nothing. 
 i don't know why i am so afraid of committing and working at making my life better, feeling okay, being content with myself, whatever... i mean, what have i got to lose? if one path doesn't work i can try another one. but if i don't go, i'm not going anywhere, and nothing's changing and i am going to keep feeling like shit. what the hell. do i need someone to tell me what to do and lead me through this? ridiculous. 
 
i should exercise and meditate every day. i should figure out what i need to do and slowly and reasonably work on doing it. i should stop letting myself get so negative and not get so frustrated over things that aren't that important. really i guess i should try not to get too frustrated over anything. i need to try and have more faith in myself and my ideas and my knowledge and stuff. chances are i will give myself the same advice or at least some of the same advice as others i trust, yet it means more to come from them than if i suggest it to me... 
 i am rambling. anyway my head started to not feel so locked up and unable to work right and now it's all confusing and ouchie again. if first ave were open tonite i'd probably go out there and drink. crazy maybe but it actually helps. 
dedicated to unhealthy decisions since... well i guess i didn't make my own decisions in 77, maybe 1980?
 i should do something other than this. 
like read,  do school stuff, meditate, write in my notebook, get groceries, go for a walk, etcetera
yeah and not drink nor smoke probably... ;)

thinking a little more about this matter of sometimes wanting to be pushed against a wall and fucked... 

 i was just thinkin' and i find this interesting... there's one person i have a crush on and when i think about the idea of having sex with that person, in my thoughts it's usually rough and/or somewhat primal 
than there's another person i have a crush on and when i think of being with that person, in my mind it's slow and gentle

 hmm... 
   of course when i actually find someone i develop feelings for who actually develops feelings back, hopefully that person will be someone i can enjoy both of those things and more...  ;)
  
  meanwhile, anyone got the number for a cute boy hooker? one that does girls... 

more monday morning miscellany

"i play russian roulette everyday, a man-sport with a bullet called life, yeah mama, called life" 

 i think this is right. sugar, system of a down.
-- --- ---- --- --- ---
 i think i want to start a band called man-sport. 
of course i have also rather liked
kuntsmacker 
and 
cunty mcroughlove and the pillars of manhood

 hmm. 
oh yeah, and on a more emo bent, 
the martyr party

 i think there's more mayhap i'll make a list. 

 so who wants to be in my band? ;)

monday thought 'o the morning, and Mom

sometimes you just want to have somebody you can push against a wall and fuck.
or somebody that'll push you against a wall and fuck you.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --- ---

yeah, so last night/this morning(she passed away just around/after midnite) was the three week(i think it's three and not four) anniversary of Mom's death already. i meant to light a candle or something but ended up being out with some friends playing scrabble. that's probably cooler, Mom and I played alot of scrabble together.
Her 49th birthday woulda been in a couple of weeks.
... ... ... ...

hopefully nobody's confused but no there is no connection between the two segments of this post.
I miss my Mom, and also am incredible horny and sometimes just want it rough. nothing wrong with that, eh?