right now i am being silly. i am sad and kind of angry and frustrated. smoked 2 cigarettes today. but i haven't done anything to combat it really. it's not like i can say i'm trying to fix things and it's not working- honestly. it's funny that i am thinking about giving up on finding a better path for myself or whatever...
when i have barely given this a chance. it's pretty much the sort of thing i usually do, take a half-assed stab at something, shrug and move on when it doesn't catch. i guess i am just lazy.
i can't expect to get anywhere without committing to make changes in my life and myself and following through. i guess there's alot to do in my life right now and i'm kind of overwhelmed, but being overwhelmed doesn't mean i should say fuck it and do nothing.
i don't know why i am so afraid of committing and working at making my life better, feeling okay, being content with myself, whatever... i mean, what have i got to lose? if one path doesn't work i can try another one. but if i don't go, i'm not going anywhere, and nothing's changing and i am going to keep feeling like shit. what the hell. do i need someone to tell me what to do and lead me through this? ridiculous.
i should exercise and meditate every day. i should figure out what i need to do and slowly and reasonably work on doing it. i should stop letting myself get so negative and not get so frustrated over things that aren't that important. really i guess i should try not to get too frustrated over anything. i need to try and have more faith in myself and my ideas and my knowledge and stuff. chances are i will give myself the same advice or at least some of the same advice as others i trust, yet it means more to come from them than if i suggest it to me...
i am rambling. anyway my head started to not feel so locked up and unable to work right and now it's all confusing and ouchie again. if first ave were open tonite i'd probably go out there and drink. crazy maybe but it actually helps.
dedicated to unhealthy decisions since... well i guess i didn't make my own decisions in 77, maybe 1980?
i should do something other than this.
like read, do school stuff, meditate, write in my notebook, get groceries, go for a walk, etcetera
yeah and not drink nor smoke probably... ;)
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