distressed rambles

so i don't know what's happening now. it seems like i've turned about and given up. sort of. i mean, i haven't been trying to meditate regularly or even finished reading the awesome book i started reading a few months ago about meditation... i am in some sort of daze. i have been getting out and socializing kinda, drinking copious amounts of whiskey 7's and beers... developing new crushes... still being frustrated about the "old" ones... being frustrated about being fucking lonely. trying to figure out how these human mating rituals work, i hear sometimes people go out on dates-- i don't think i've actually been on a "date" ever ever... i've certainly never been asked... this is frustrating to me...
  i have piles and piles of skool work(the piles are mainly metaphorical), of laundry(these piles exist in the physical world), and all sorts of cleaning and organizing to do around the house. i have to find a dentist who will fix the holes in my teeth that are getting bigger all the fucking time. i should look into getting back on prozac probably. i have financial aid paperwork that is holding up fall award possibly and i still haven't done it even though it's simple stuff and i have the documents i need to send in. i had dishes piling up for weeks, but i actually did most of those finally yesterday afternoon. my room is a sea of miscellany calling out for some sense of order. i just about hate fucking everything.

 i started a new class today,  a may session class - that means it's just a short intensive course- 9-12 m-f for the next three weeks. it seems cool, it seems like maybe it'll help me get creative and active and doing and making but i feel so not creative and not active and anti-doing -- mayhap more destructive if anything. i just don't know what to do with myself. i'm going fucking insane.

 i am so goddamned scared of the world. i can't survive in this place. i don't know anything about how to deal with it. i can't even cope with having friends if i actually have them i freak out b/c i don't know what they think of me and i don't think they like me or i worry that they won't like me eventually when they get to me better or ...
 i dunno, i just feel so goddamned small and scared and lonely...

 i'm sure i'll be fine. eventually.