i can't believe this... i am absolutely certain that i am irrepairable. my belief that the damage is too deep is just, well it seems unshakable. it's just not gonna happen. so what can i do if i can't find it in myself to go forward? 
 it doesn't matter that i muster occasionally enough of an energy or whatever to think i could change. i don't believe. i have NO belief in myself whatsoever in that respect. i'm fucked. i'm just a weirdo who'll always be on the sideline maybe tolerated but probably not liked. 
  and i ain't going to accomplish shit. 
 i'm crazy, that's that. 
fuck it...