aghaghagh. dunno whether to laugh or cry really... as i somewhat expected may happen, the instructor asked me to go nxt week cuz we ran out of time, which i earlier claimed to want- and do, but at the same time... well the relief of getting it over with and not having to work further on it would have been nice too. Still over all I am glad I can work on it some more, just have to set it down now until i finish stuff for my other two classes...
realizing also a large source of tension for me is worrying about what others think, and even projecting- attributing opinions/thoughts/reactions to them that I really have no basis in fact for- or even if there were mayhaps some slight basis- certainly not enough to warrant the level of anxiety I find myself feeling. It's like I can't fucking do anything... if I send someone an email or something, they take a while to respond I worry endlessly about what I might have said that bothered them so much they aren't getting back to me. Like I am always certain the content of my communication is in some way a source of annoyance for whomever I am attempting to communicate with I go fuckin' apeshit, usually jut in my head... And what's really annoying is my evident paranoia and my overapologizing or overexplaining every little fucking thing I do or say. But I can't get over it. Like the main source of my frustration tonight really isn't so much the whole thing with class... it's my paranoia about doing things wrong or overstepping my bounds or somesuch in very casual bit 'o' personal interactions driving me up the fucking wall- and, this is damn hilarious, actually feeling reactively pissed about a situation I don't even know exists because I am attributing reactions to another person when I really have absolutely no indication of what I have somehow decided they are thinking...and this happens all the damn time. I have had like one close friend for the past 8-9 years and little to no others off and on until somewhat recently, that is how deep my problems with social interaction run. I've been very slowly trying to break out of that shell over the past year or so... but it's just so fucking difficult. Like now I'm mindbogglingly depressed b/c a couple of classmates I have a good rapport with didn't ask me to join them when they headed out for a drink after class... WTF? Sometimes I don't know how I manage to function at all.
haven't had a chance to listen to these yet, so i have no idea what the guy's spouting off about other then the titles- but here is a page with a buncha rants in .wav format some guy decided to share with the online community
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