yaY!

it's almost tampon time!

excepting i do not use tampons, they feel funny. i just said tampon instead of maxipad b/c of the alliteration of "tampon time". it, sounds cool, uh, to me, for some reason.

this may however simply be a sign of me needing to go back to sleep for a bit.

but i won't because it's almost eight am and i have seven billion things to do today!

yes, that's right. exactly seven billion.

the back to wanting to stab to death my brain again but oh it was seeming like i was having a good run for a mite

urgh. and is this any different from my other postings here?
and is this any different from my other postings here?
and
is
this
any
different
from
my
other
postings
here
?


can i get a hell meh?

- - -

why is up down and down up?

well well technically up and down = up

and um...

i think i broke it
poor brain

the something of a point, however dull or busted off

i have been in somewhat of a good, upbeat, doing and thinking ish
sort of way
a being creative
a allowing myself to be a creative being

however the basis of
or
what seemed to allow
or spur on
this
possibly partially spurious
spurting

would seem to be
staying awake, alot
while
imbibing
caffeine and energy drinks

and i have not much been eating healthily
and probably foolishly lost a job
it wasn't a very helpful job anyway
and it sort of wasn't all my fault

so anyway
why?
why does feeling
like i can be
come
in such an
unhealthy
way?

this is not sustainable

i am so pissed
i want to be more like
this version of me that seems more
to be me
than the do nothing no ambition scared and pissed and lazy version

o.O

these are confusing times

how do i have the good of this me
without being tired and sick feeling and taking in too many shitty chemicals or whatever
one chooses to call caffeine and the stuffs in energy drinks

*sigh*

being somewhat of a dr0k, I am thinking of starting another blog. why another one? hmm. to separate it from the previous pointless drek that has been the main of this one, I suppose. to dedicate it somewhat to a different purpose- a diary of goals and accomplishments more than a chronicle of complaints. This new blog most likely would encompass the purported purposes of all three of the blogs I have previously attempted on this blogspot/blogger account(here I have a music blog, a random miscellany blog, and this personal/diary blog) and/or be incorporated into a larger sort of website, wet paint or somesuch service I imagine... though I may still use blogspot, I am going to look at different free services and website hosting options. should I choose to pursue this with any seriousness.

I hope to populate this new blog/website with engaging content and also hope it can serve as a tool to promote myself and network as an artist, "musician", poet/writer, creative thinker, ? ; and also to promote the ventures of friends and persons/bands/projects/small businesses that I believe worthy of support.

uh, yeah. we'll see where this goes. :D

angry blah, blurgh, meh

i still suck and any idea i've had of how to live is fast eroding.
meh.

ergh.

how do i make me fall in love with me? how do i decide what it is i should be doing and actually commit to doing it? uh. and stuff. my stomach feels funny. maybe it's something to do with breathing. being calm and still and listening inside. or something like that. or maybe it's bacon artichoke cheesecake...
hm. me. who and/or what is me? and how does it become less nuisancy and burdensome? how does it become? uh. how do i become... a real and valid and not irksome sort of person, or something? breathing, listening inside? doing and feeling good about that doing? eating mashed potato pizza at pizza luce? talking to myself too much? drinking too many whiskey 7's?
*worried*

i am painfully and desperately awry.

guh.

m-m-m-motherfucking m-m-m-monkeys

figure i'll be just fine. more or less. somehow or other.

yeah. sure. alright. okay.

:)

um, yeah.
a-aight. is. am. mayhap.

completely fucking losing it. yay.

i don't understand this shit. i seem to get a little spurt of uh... ambition or hope or something, and start to do stuff. then i don't follow through on whatever i started to get done and go all wonky and depressed again. like, i'm a little scared. not that i'm going to go and die or something. that's just not something i can do, for better or worse. more worried about interpersonal relations, having friends, stuff like that. i am not sure how to explain my worry, or rather don't quite have words. guess it's that i seem to be fumbling and straining the few friendships i have... and i'm scared that i'm just not meant to have friends, that i really can't interact with other people on a deep level... something like that... can't go into it too much now, got to get ready for work.

kicking myself for taking this shift when i would have had the day off, but it's more money and i'm kinda worried that i won't be able to hold down this job for that long so i should get what i can.


don't know what to do... :/

redundant addendum to previous thoughts posted:

doing = better than not doing

--

I just made some calls and made some plans to pay off moneys owed to the Univ. (and got a bunch of accumulated late payments wiped from my bill so long as I go pay them a.s.a.p. - like almost $200 in late fees!), made plans to take care of my overdue financial aid payments also- well pay what I have to and then fill out deferral paperwork, and I made an appointment for Thursday morning with my academic advisor to see what my options are and what I need to do to get back into classes and to graduate.
yay.
cuz I frickin' miss being a student.
of course than I'll have other issues b/c graduating also means not being a student anymore. ;) eep.
but then maybe I can think about grad school or something. ;)

yay me.

I guess I should make some calls about the medical assistance/medicare shit now.

cuz

doing = better than not doing
and
action begets more action

okay. well, yesterday wasn't wasted though I really didn't end up doing any of the things on my to do list.
went to see friend at his 'puter and bike fixing shop, he's working on my sick g4 laptop for me. hung w/ him for a few hours, and we decided to replace the hd for now- my old one has a shit ton of bad sectors. uh. it's toast more or less. he had things to do so I went to the big computer store in the suburbs on my own. :) on my bike. I finally used the greenway(nice bike trails)... 5 miles each way the ride was. It was awesome. I need to ride my bike more and of course, I really need to get to know my way around better. Made me feel good doing that. And maybe strong and self-sufficient and stuff too. Made me want to be healthier and stronger, have a better functioning body.
yeah. so yesterday was alright. Of course I hung around computer store so long that when I finally got back to my friend's shop, he'd had to head home. But I'll bring him the hd today. And I might do my laundry this morning before work, ok, I doubt that. I am thinking I might just drop a ten spot on a pair of khaki's at work (target) since mine have gotten a little dingy. but it's cool that I actually feel like I could do laundry before work. so, action begets action-- the more I do, the more I want to/feel capable of doing.

I'm working on being strong, competent, confident, NOT NEEDY. I have this incredible weird needy streak in me... and it puts people off... and of course means I am wobbly and, er, dependent. something like that. wobbly and dependent is not strong and independent. I'm feeling a mite wobbly now, heh. Trying to comprehend whatever it is I am trying to comprehend. ;) Anyway during the course of some friendly/jestful banter with an online aquaintance, random cute boy kol-er I happened to get into conversation with, ... I'd said something about being mopey/emo and he said emo was out, and when I asked him what was in than, he said "confidence". It wasn't apropos of anything to do w/ me, intentionally, this person barely knows me at all; but it's sat in my head making me think about how I need to more self-confident. Strong and independent. Not needy. I have a friend, who's not really my friend anymore b/c he feels I'm too needy. well, hell, I guess there are a couple people I've lost for that reason. Though one was someone I've known for 3-4 years in "real life" (not just online) and I just saw him the other day and asked about hanging out sometime and confirmed again(already discussed/already knew) that he's not interested in being friends anymore like that b/c I'm "too needy".
I think I might have almost lost my bike/'puter fixing friend for the same sort of reasons. Not really sure but there was a while when we dropped out of touch...

so anyway, not being needy. being confident. being self-sufficient... not needing others to validate my self-worth. uh, stuff to work on. :)
--

sometime or other this summer, I am thinking it might be neat to try and take a bike trip all the way to up to Duluth/Superior. Need to look into how that would work and if my bike friend would be interested in joining me. It could be pretty cool. In the meantime, ride more and try and learn more about navigating the city(and surrounding stuff).

--

I fucking didn't use my turns up again in kol, on either of my hc runs, nor the hc acct. I'm running for a friend. My softcore accts. have been neglected for a while.
And I guess I really don't care that much about that anymore. I am going to donate for a couple Mr. A's now that I have the cash to do so... but I'm really not sure where my KoL playing is headed. It's still fun, though can be a bummer sometimes cuz of all that's transpired via KoL and changed or been lost. Have entertained the idea of quitting. I guess I still have friends on there. I dunno. I do still enjoy the game, and I still enjoy chatting, playing games, and holding games in /games. *shrug* We'll see where that goes, I guess. Anyone who's wandered over here who doesn't know, KoL is a free online sort of rpg that I have been obsessively playing for a few months kingdomofloathing.com. It's more than a game, there are chat rooms and clans where players can interact, socialize, form communities, ...

--

Been thinking about school. needing to explore my options, fix what I can... Should see if I can make an appointment w/ my advisor tomorrow though I guess that could be a mite unnecessarily quicklike. But it might actually be plausible to take 6 credits over the summer. Paying out of pocket. Hmm. *deep breath*
might be more sensible to wait a bit longer and be sure I'm going to be at this job for a bit.

If I decide to stay at this job for a bit. I am planning to apply to work at big computer store in the suburbs, the one I went to yesterday. Figuring I could learn stuff and get a sweet discount on stuff and that would be hella cool. And I already know I can ride my bike out there easily enough. :D
woot. They have an application online, should maybe do that tonite. Have to decide if I want to try and have to jobs, see if I can do one ft and one pt. Though I figure I'd want the 'puter store job as my full time. Hmm.

I need to be careful and not overwhelm myself. Nor get distracted from things that really really imperatively must be done soon, like sorting out my medical assistance/medicare eligibility and filling out paperwork to sort out my financial aid debt....

gah.

-
Not really sure what the point of this whole blog is. No-one reads it, and I really wouldn't expect anyone to be that interested in my day-to-day ramblings about either things I'm sad and/or angry about or things I should be doing. lolz. But it's helping my wee lil' brain process I think, and that's good. So why not?

5/14

things i intended to do today that probably won't get done

go downtown and check in w/ someone at whatever office I need to go to about my medical assitance/medicare eligibility or lack thereof
go to the financial aid office at the u. to try and take care of some stuff.
something else i forgot
laundry
bring promo stuff for first ave around town

i wish i could remember the one i forgot, i guess i should have made this list sooner. i think it involved going somewhere too and it was kind of important. oh, well there's calling nip about getting some counseling or whatever through them... mental health issues and whatnot. :/ see earlier posts ;) can ya tell i'm a wee bit not right up there? nip= neighborhood involvement program. they got different, uh social services... er...programs...er things to help low income peeps... yeah... I called them a couple of weeks or so and then when they called me back I never returned their calls. :/

i still think there's something i'm forgetting.

anyway i guess probably i will sleep and mope all day instead.

yay.

meanwhile the cats that aren't mine and don't fucking belong here being very reluctantly fed and looked after by me for a mostly thankless friend... and there's even a little more to it than that... uh, anyway, one of them is puking again. maybe it's even on my bed again. little rapscallians. i seriously need these fucking animals out of here before my head explodes. i'm starting to feel like i live in a big litterbox. :/

i think i'm just going to puke on the cat.

- - - - - - - - -

crying again. what now?

hmmph.

wow, i was a really fun motherfucker last night, wasn't I? good thing noone actually reads this blog. lol. that was a wee bit melodramatic. and could easily be taken the "wrong" way. or something. just being a tad rambledy. a tad maudlin. :) of course I'm just fine. just venting, possibly too much.

aagh. and it was mother's day, i really shoulda been posting about my mom. After all I almost started crying at work the other day cuz someone was buying some silly lil' thing that is something I would have liked to get her. and today just cuz of random customers saying "happy mothers' day".

I's got a bad habit of pushing aside the things I really should be being maudlin about, the real serious stuff, and letting myself get caught up things that really shouldn't be all that important.

I don't know what I would be doing today were Mom alive. probably would've just talked to her on the phone, sent a package or card mayhap. Her b-day is on the 17th, so not sure when I would have/would end up heading to Duluth to hang with her. guess since the 17th is a weekday and chances are I might still be in school then... maybe I would have spent today with her. Maybe woulda gone out to dinner with her and my brother, seen a movie, gone bowling, ... something like that.
played a few scrabble games. :) I really miss playing scrabble with Mom.

--

a little more on last nite's posting... it's not really about love or sex, just friendships that seem to maybe have been lost. or not lost even, but changed. it may sound like what I was venting about was a lost opportunity at love or sex or something like that. and well... maybe there is a little of that there too, I guess. But that's not where my frustrations lie. nor is it about being jealous. and it's really kind of mixed up, cuz it's a response to a couple different situations, and being sad and lonely in general. well I'm trying to clarify on the off chance that someone that my rambling actually has some relevance to actually happens to read this stuff. But I guess if they do, they should just talk to me. Ah, and I guess that's a fair chunk of what it is that's got me so up in arms. A simple matter of missing talking to someone. Or, missing having someone to talk to. well that's part of it, anyway.
ha, I make sense. ;)

---

bunnyrabbits, satan, cheese, and milk.

till next time...

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall

-- -- -- -- - -

a mish mash of confusing miscellany in a world of maybes now lost and gone.
looking for revelations
or maybe salvation
or maybe just a shoulder
to lay my lonely head upon
lost and
losing
a world of maybes
now lost and gone
a mish-mash
of confusing miscellany
i can't explain
i only know it's gone
and i don't really know
what to do now

a bullet in my brain
is nonesense
only to make others see
that something else should have been?
to air my frustration somehow
make someone sad
make them regret

utter foolishness

:)

but i really don't know what do with myself sometimes

more people to forget about i guess

:/

more crossed off the list of friends.

:/

dread weary emoticons.

bleh.

all i know how to say anymore.

bleh. meh. blargh. argh. :/

but do i have any real desire to die?

or is it just spite?

and do i have any real desire to say "piss off"
and just cut ties myself with people who once strove to be my friend
or maybe even my lover
or something in between
people who strove to let me know I was worth something to them
worth their time and effort
and then decided that I'm really not?
what of it?
their loss?
:/
meh
blargh.
argh.
ergh.
blergh.
:/

pondering and whatnot

ok. I'm not suicidal. I But I am really stuck. Trying to figure shit out...
what I have found myself pondering is the question of what I have to look forward to, reastically.
though I guess I don't know ... of course, who can see the future after all?
but it seems really bleak.

---

what is really eating at me right now is not being to able to handle/form/have/keep close friendships.
well
somewhat more specifically
what do you do when someone who tried to convince you that you were worth their time, their friendship; changes their mind?

I mean, that kind of just affirms the idea that I'm a piece of shit asshole
eh?

it's like 'oh you're right, you really are a fucked up asshole' from someone who was trying to convince me otherwise

---

i really don't think i've got too much to look forward to. life is still always interesting enough and full of enough possibility that i wouldn't want to end it... but...
i'm having trouble mustering the... i dunno, wherewithal, whatever, to really explore it and see what i can do with it, life, i mean...
what's the point? everything seems to end in tears... for me, anyway
---
all kinds of awesome people are slogging away doing all manner of fun, creative, and/or meaningful things; through troubles much greater and more real than mine
and of course there are many many others struggling w/ more or less and doing worse as well
it's all relative
---

i still have no idea how to accomplish the things i would need to accomplish to really live, o er, or even what those things are.
but does anyone?

time to smoke another cigarette and play some more KoL. :/

how the hell do i deal with this shit?

stomach ache and other wounds

so
wednesday morning, got to temp agency on time, got cut b/c they overbooked people for the job they were going to send me out to.
so i returned home and spend most of the day poking through my mp3 collection and throwing together a mix cd for a friend.
feeling cheerful, i nipped into the vodka and of course had too much and fell asleep early w/out even finishing stuff in the online rpg thing I've been playing, KoL, which, when I woke post-rollover, I wasn't too happy about it all, being that it was a stat day so I would have gotten bonus stats for each turn played... uh, basically. And I didn't eat, which gets me additional turns. and I'm in hardcore, which means I really needed those stats and turns, damn it.
er, and now, well, i haven't been able to sleep. i got started thinking about one of the friendships started and then killed through me being a dumbass(something like that, don't want to get into specifics here) and, well, can't sleep. basically. and my stomach is all knotted up, whether it's feeling tense/stressy or that i'm not sleeping when i should be, or from drinking earlier, not really sure, probably combination of all those. so i decided not to go to the temp agency in an hour. been up all night and feel ill and sad.

so back to where i was a couple of days ago.

though i suppose in theory instead of getting pissed at life and myself and letting myself wallow in these frustrations again, i could try and make some good decisions anyway, get some sleep and go apply at Target and JimmyJohns and wherever else occurs to me... maybe actually read the classifieds, they are online.
after all giving up isn't really going to help things, eh?
something like that.

I actually feel pretty defeatist about it, but that attitude isn't going to help so... i dunno, i'm not sure how to stop it though.


ugh, stomach is miserable and so am i.

3/27

today:
- slept most of the day, feeling crappy
was supposed to do temp work @ 5 a.m., was about ten minutes late, they've got me set up for tomorrow morning though
- re-compiled my basic job app. info
- filled out and turned in an app. at a nearby 24 hour convenience store
- got some groceries
- arranged to borrow some more money from my Dad to help w/ rent

- should be in bed by 11 at the latest- reastically it'll end up being midnite though I figure :))

plans for tomorrow:
- be at temp. agency by 5, work eight hours
- pick up promo materials at the night club I'm on the street team for
- apply @ Target and grab some grocery items while there

goddamn it!

I need to clean under my fingernails.

I've decided, I guess, that I just need to pursue doing what I need to do for now and not get so caught up in other things... like being depressed or obsessing over stuff, er, people even. Sure.

Just focus on finding a workable job, and getting stuff in my life here sorted out. Sure.

:)

worth a try, eh?

blood, fucking, fucking, blood

I have actually been told twice in the last aprox. 2 weeks that I am verbally intelligent. something like that.
what does that Mean?
hmm.

I went to the store today and bought milk, bacon, cigarettes, and beer. this actually being 3 stores. the cooperative grocery, the liquor market, and the super-america.
I previously quit smoking for aprox. 3 months, or, at least the better part of 3 months. I dived back in for a pack one week when I was beleaguered by sadness and stress, but it didn't stick. The smoking, I mean. At the time, didn't stick. Being beleaguered by sadness and stress is the rule rather than the exception it seems.
and hence, again, smoking.

I guess I don't have anything else to say right now.

More so, I have so much that I could say that it's overwhelming.

I don't want to think about it. I will anyway, but...

hmmm...

these posts all run together, despite it being a rather long time.

this doesn't bode well for me at all, of course

I guess this is why I don't know what else to post.


as ever it is like I am at a crux of some kind, like I have decisions to make about how to live and how to be...
as ever I could try and talk about the things I need to do to change
not sure I know them
the things I need to change
not even sure of those any more

"like playing the mmg... you win a bit and lose a bit, then you start losing but bet higher and higher, b/c you think you're due eventually to win... but instead just keep losing till the meat's all gone"

I still don't know entirely what I meant when I said that.

I owe people all kinds of apologies and don't know what to say.

bleak shit, life.

I'm sick of these games...

--- -- -- ---- --

ah, self-demolishment

*smile*

meh, just, meh

I have pieces of my Mom in a box on a shelf. Well, not pieces, ashes- though suppose there could be bone fragments in there. I'd wanted to open it and look through the ashes to find one or two, and make something out of them, like a necklace or just something I could keep in my pocket all the time like some kind of talisman, I guess. Never did get around to it.

So, I'm 29. I'm finding myself in all manner of pickles and crisises. Turmoil. Because I'm not finding myself, I guess. 29, and I don't know who the fuck I am. 29, barely any skills, barely any friends, debt far past my eyeballs, barely loved, barely lived. I think I can count people in the world who love and care about me on one hand, even if I had a couple fingers cut off, it seems.

So many things I haven't gotten around to. Debt piling up unchecked b/c I don't feel like doing paperwork. School gone to hell b/c I don't feel like leaving my apartment or working on... well anything, it seems.
meh... and onward it goes, I could write for miles and still say nothing good it seems.

So now what?

ergh. guess I'll post more here later. been a while, and I guess I have a lot to say.
though just more whining as ever... :/