i miss my mom.

pointedly foolish, tis i

i changed the name. i hope that's cool. url is the same. i like the new title better, i dunno if the contents were as random and weird as the old name suggested. that was simply b/c of my using the screen name "random weirdo" at the tcpunk messageboard.

oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän| noun a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g., faith unfaithful kept him falsely true). DERIVATIVES oxymoronic |-məˈränik| adjective ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Greek oxumōron, neuter (used as a noun) of oxumōros ‘pointedly foolish,’ from oxus ‘sharp’ + mōros ‘foolish.’

this is from a comment i made whilst talking to my video instructor last night, she had said some nice things about me, as we were sort of discussing my lack of confidence in myself as an artist and other such things. i was telling how i really do feel that i have alot of potential and could do whatever i wanted if i just put my mind to it, and than that i don't... ;) and she looked confused and i just shrugged and said "I'm an oxymoron" and went on to note again my lack of self-confidence as an artist, as well as my lack of drive or motivation. anyway that was a cool lil' conversation. the comment itself indicates something i've felt about myself for a long time, i am an oxymoron, there are many things true of me that would seem to contradict themselves, for example being both shy/insecure socially and maniacally gregarious. being an immensely talented and intelligent person in theory but not so much practice. being good at brainstorming and suggesting ideas to others but not so good at coming up with and committing to and following through with my own. being relatively well aware of things that are causing me problems, yet not quite able to fix them. for example i know i have problems socializing and could tell you alot about what they are and how they manifest themselves but i can't just fix them. i guess part of it is that while i used to think maybe i could, i probably don't know exactly what the root cause of the problems are, what it is that's happened that made me that way. i actually used to think i understood that better and more recently have come to realize that is not the case. :) anyway i know that i actually can fix it and that's one of the things i am going to be working on. if i don't like something about myself i just change it... yeah... we'll see how that goes in practice, after all it's not like i didn't already know that was an option. but... yeah. if i stop thinking it's not gonna work, maybe it will ;)
well that got sidetracked and babble-y. anyway, blog name changed. lemme know what you think, all you one to three or so people that actually read this stuff....

i have to say, today was a good day

this is an experience in taking an incredibly awesome evening and deconstructing it until i think it was crap. kind of what i do. compulsively rethink and pick over things until i find the cracks. i really should just say no. i am not going to do this...

tonite was the opening reception for the mfa and bfa shows in the u of mn art dept. i was feeling kind of wonky- tired and a lil' sick after lack of sleep, a morning of work, and not eating alot today. but when i get like that i get really open, sort of emotional, but really just open to experience- sometimes. anyway that's really how it seemed this afternoon. i went over to look at the art that was up before the reception to avoid the crowds and there was some really good stuff that resonated with me quite strongly...
i ran into a friend who graduated last year and really enjoyed talking to him about art and life and whatnot.
viewed performance piece involving burning sculptures that a friend of mine was/is(it's sort of ongoing) as part of the bfa show...
ran into my instructor for my video class who told me she ran into another instructor of mine, my digital music synthesis instructor, and they talked about me, about having faith in my artistic abilities, and she paid me a couple other major compliments too...
i should just accept them. and be glad in the other experiences and conversations i've had today that i have greatly enjoyed or been moved in some fashion by... i have a tendency to dig and pick at things and think of what i regret in a situation rather than what was awesome. and i have a tendency to find holes in things, like getting compliments from instructors about my abilities, rather than accept that they really think the those things... i'm going to try and not do that anymore... it's nice to feel good.

old wounds, scars, bleeding and whatnot

former housemate guy came by today and picked stuff up. sweetheart, took time to hang out and talk to me about how things are going and whatnot. he's kinda been helping along with the buddhism, and whatnot, getting my head straight and shit. somehow i ended up talking about some painful incidents from my childhood... shit i have kinda bottled up mainly for years, though i guess it doesn't seem like it's hurt anything. i'm sure it has though, not having properly dealt with all manner of crap from younger days... i don't know what to do now, he's taken off back to wife and home and i didn't really get to go into it too much, it would have been nice to have talked more but at the same time it's not right for me to expect him to play therapist.
just not sure what to do at the moment. and i am sad additionally just that he's moved cuz i got sort of attached to him... but we're friends and it's cool...
i don't know if i should think more about it or let it fall back into the recesses of my mind- the whole matter of incidents in my childhood and teenage years that fucked things up in me that i probably have never really realized fully.
i do have a psychologist appt. next week, hopefully the guy i'm seeing will work out and i can start healing some of this crap. i could just put it out of mind until than... i don't know if that's the right way to go though.
the thing is with this shit, it's okay. that's kind of something i've told myself, i've thought about. even if life's been shitty, it's made me the person i am today and that's definitely not all bad. can't change the past. the past is what's made me who i am. and there are alot of things i like about who i am that go back to the bad as well as the good. perhaps more the bad than the good. even if i really don't like myself and am constantly putting myself down and regretting 3/4 of every moment of my life, if i really think about it, i do like myself. there are good things about me. and i would be a very different person if i had a different past, i wouldn't know the difference of course... but anyway i don't know that the person i would have turned out to be if things were different would be as cool as the person i am now. so i guess i should just be cool with having had a fucked up childhood and a fucked up teenhood... and just try and find my path now to be alright with myself and happy.

damnation and more headaches

 
 i keep almost starting to feel okay and get myself and go do things and than i start feeling like shit again and start crying. it's unbelievable. it's really really really fucked-up. i am pretty sure i am genuinely psychologically unsound. or something like that. maybe i need medication? 
i mean i can't say too much to explain that except that i am letting things get to me and drive me nuts besides the obvious and important fact that my mother just passed away from complications stemming from ovarian cancer and on top of that it's genetic. why even stop smoking when i am going to have a deadly cancer within the next decade anyway? maybe that is what's really bothering me. but i keep getting obsessed with something else and it's driving me batshit. and it's not really stuff i should get into too deeply on here. probably i should be writing in my notebook. 

 part of this whole problem is that i think i want to be fucked up. i want to plummet. i don't get it and i can't explain it but it seems to be so. 

 i've joked about wanting to develop a drug habit that would totally fuck up my life so that when i got my shit together it would be special.

 i dunno. 

 but i can't seem to shake this tailspin. 

damned hyper internet obsession what hell wrong with me posting again already

 i am thinking i might just start smoking again because it helps and it beats sitting here not wanting to leave the house messing around on the internet. if having a cigarette makes it easier to deal with the world maybe it would be
better to just get a pack and let myself do it for now and quit when i feel more ready?

 i don't know if it's going to help anything though. maybe if i just get off my ass and start doing. minus cigarettes. it just feels like it'd be easier for me to get up and get out there and do what i need to with a cigarette. 
 
 wtf?

 i wonder if i should just try and it see? but if it helps maybe that just makes more addicted and i shoud still ride this out without smoking? 

aagh. 

damn damn

damn

trying meditating today and just can't do it. mind keeps wandering and i ended up feeling worse. now what do i do? guess just try again maybe tonite before bed or just do it again tomorrow. maybe try loving kindness meditation. maybe give up on the whole thing and go get some whiskey or something... 
 bloody hell. 
keeping this chronicle seems to be helping. 
but i still wish i just had a friend to talk about this stuff with. guess i'll have to hire a psychologist. 
maybe start going to a meditation center/group thingey... i know there are a few around here.. 
hmm... 
just gotta find a way to convince me i'm okay, i guess that's what i am trying to do... 

archeology and melancholy

 it's weird how some, many, of my things here at home, hell sort of even my home, feel like artifacts leftover from another life. it seems like i might have to restructure everything to get comfortable here again. 
  it seems like alot of the same music i don't even feel like listening to any more. not right now anyway, not as much as maybe before. that's just sometimes. sometimes i have to listen to something different. i am trying out Ryan Adams and also Whiskeytown right now. 

 I have to try and get my shit together with school. haven't even gone to campus yet, while i did just get back here sunday night. i might go to a couple classes today, definitely am going to campus. might even hang out at the electronic music studio and work on some stuff for a class.
 dunno though, school might feel weird too. i'm nervous again, like for some reason going to familiar campus after such a radical change in my life is going to fuck with my head. i don't get it but i definitely feel it. then again maybe i'm letting myself get carried away b/c it gives me an excuse to avoid responsibility. 

  i think my main goals right now are just to meditate every day and get some exercise every day- probably just walking, but gots to be doing somesuch... 

  i haven't been smoking but i am waffling, not
fully committed 'cuz of liking to smoke. and i haven't been tested yet by being around smokers alot or going to shows/bars... 

   okay... i should go now. not taking up too much time messing about online/with computer is also something i am trying to do right now. i have a hardcore internet problem it seems... let it suck away way too much of my time... ;)

-- PBM -- 
out

toothache and headache and heartache

i need a dentist i need psychological help i keep f*cking up my own head and crying to people to help me fix it. i guess. but there is all manner of perfectly good reasons for my head to be broken... but do i really need someone else to tell me i should take a few deep breaths and relax, try some medition exercise or somesuch? I can figure out that maybe I should do that, right? but it still helps to have some one else care enough to listen to my frustrations and give me ideas for sorting them out, even if i could perhaps figure it out myself. 
 
 and Mom's gone. keep reminding myself i'm never going to see her again. 
 all this crap in my head to sort out and i keep having to remind myself of this too... and i don't know what this latest has broken and what was already broken or if i am just obsessed with being broken because i want someone to rescue me. and maybe i am just fine. but my head hurts and i feel neurotic and want a cigarette but i quit and it wouldn't maybe help would just make cough.
   my friend who's been putting up with my rants and calming me down suddenly doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. 
  i tried calling one of my closest friends from way back and he doesn't even seem interested in asking what's been going on. and i don't know what to do because he's got all sorts of problems of his own to deal with. 
   my brother is too entangled with his girlfriend to be of any use. 
  my other real close friend is across the damn country and  is super hard to get ahold of. 
 i do have another  good local friend but she too has a lot of issues of her own.
  so i guess i just have to take care of myself or something. it's not that i don't know what i should do, it just feels better if someone will talk to me about it and make a suggestion like they give a damn. 
  it's probably better if i just stand on my own.

here...

mania. i am unhappy. i know nothing. i am...

i'm fine. alive, breathing, unwashed...(no water at my brother's place...)...

My Mother is sick and dying of cancer. Right now at this very moment. I am here and trying to spend what time with her I can. My Uncle is there taking care of her while she is sick, today she doesn't feel up to having us(my brother and I) visit. So I am right now sitting in a bar which has wireless internet, drinking cheap beer. I just ate a cheeseburger and some french fries.
Would rather be at Mom's side.
...................................................................

healing

And out of the black box soul
a flower began to grow
and as flowers need sunshine
so the sun shone
and as flowers need rain
there also was much rain
a cool cleansing rain it was
and the sun shone
and the rain fell
and the blackness was washed away
and the soul shimmered and was no longer
a black box
but became a beautiful garden


pbm saturday april 1 12:50 a.m.

:(

goddamn sick of being alive.
skipping class again
head hurts too much
had to delete a post i decided was unnecessary and embarassing.
wish i could delete my head.
i should go write in a notebook. i guess
i don't think i'm getting anywhere
back to the monday morning rant i guess.
ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

the ides of march

well. nothing good going on for me. sort of. got too drunk last nite, passed out at a friends woke up at 5 a.m. all alone and stumbled home. went to sleep. alarm didn't seem to go off properly and i didn't wake up for 9 a.m. class. and i missed the class on tuesday too. super stupid. super duper stupid.

i shouldn't say nothing good. found a new housemate for when the guy here now moves out and it's pretty close to confirmed that she'll be moving in.

but that also means it's pretty much confirmed that guy here now is moving out.

guy i have wicked crush on as spake of previously.

but this is a good thing for him. not going to go into other's business on the live open internets but it's good. he's getting some stuff worked out and that's awesome.
for him. and so i feel horrible and selfish for wanting him to be here... and i am pretty horrible and selfish having this crush on him. and not wanting him to move out.
:(

and i doubt he'll keep in touch outside of chatting online, i just don't think he likes me that much. i'm kind of a fruitcake.

our new housemate will be very cool and i am sure we'll get along great and have lots of fun. but it won't be the same.

damn i'm getting sad now. i really like this guy. this is silly.

of course i'm really hung over now. my head is throbbing most terribly.

i don't know what more i should post here about situations. probably nothing. who knows who reads this damn thing? even though i know it's just about nobody. if not nobody. if you are reading this, i'm not dissing you. you should leave a comment or something so i know i'm not alone here.

gotta head off to afternoon class. digital music synthesis. which i am really behind in and have missed 2 classes and shit. instructor's gonna lose patience with me.
tho i am more worried about the class i missed this morning. just 'cuz that instructor hasn't seemed all that patient with me to began with.

i am quite fond of digital music synthesis instructor. and also digital music synthesis t.a. good peeps, they are.
must go.

getting better, mayhap

that was bleak shite i posted monday. now it's early am wednesday. just a little after midnite. today was a rough day. i didn't do anything really. skipped all 3 of my classes, was feeling sick to my stomach, but also just didn't feel like leaving the house. let myself be chained to the internet, downloading crap, watching ebay and my emails, watching aim...
feeling really aimless and sad and powerless to change what i was doing. i hopped in the shower, ate potatoes, almost went to my evening class(that i have already missed 2 weeks in a row, this is the 3rd), and than felt sick to stomach again and changed my mind. thought about grocery shopping, cleaning, trying some school work, but ended just noodling around on the computer some more... called my Mom, who was tired, got kinda sad about that. felt really sad and powerless. called my brother, talked to him a bit about how i was feeling. it helped, than he had to go. went back in my room, considered cleaning... housemate was on aim from work and i ended up chatting with him. he suggested some exercises that might help. i feel better now.

the exercise i did was to get more in touch with my body and it worked- it was pretty cool, got me feeling all my muscles and everything -- got me aware of my body more than previous.

so i'm not sure how this has helped my problems in my head but i feel better. i feel like i'm starting to work on myself on a deeper level, for reals.

still don't know what to do about anything, still feeling kind of aimless and powerless and uncertain. but i feel less like shit and more like a person.

signing off,

PBM

my cheerful monday morning(3 a.m.) ranting

interesting interesting-
saturday
i spent the day mucking about in the drek of the internet mostly downloading porno, though i also did my taxes.
my housemate spent the day meditating.

--
here's some happy shite i just now typed into word and am copying copying o'er:

March 27, 2006


My head is in a place that’s broken and this world is no place for me anyway
Things happen without me and I feel like less of a person
I feel like I am not a person
I have no worthwhile tales to share
I have no worthwhile future to expect
Present is pain loss and loneliness

I can’t be in this present
I can’t attend to everything going on inside myself with patient loving kindness
I just want to run
Cut myself, burn myself
Drink copious amounts of whiskey and bang my head against a wall till I pass out
How the hell am I ever gonna fix this shit?

--

don't worry, i am not actually cutting nor burning nor banging my head on anything nor even drinking copious amounts of booze... well, occasionally i drink copious amts. of booze, but not on a regular basis

i am reading about meditation and buddhism and such, but i can't chill out enough to actually commit or try anything. i haven't even dedicated myself fully to the reading i'm doing.

in part i'm just copying my housemate, cuz he's so together and calm
even though he's too serious and reserved. this isn't really true at all. .... .... ....
i can't figure out if i want him or want to be him, in part i feel like i am very interested in him, like romantically, sexually, or at least getting to know and trust him as a friend(and wanting him to want to get to know and trust me). none of these seem to be real options. (there are perfectly good reasons these aren't options, at least the first two. as for the last one, well i guess he just doesn't like me that much.)
at the same time i am just very very envious of the guy. he has and is much that i want to achieve. i find myself wondering if my desire to forge a friendship with him is based on a genuine desire and liking... or this sort of envy
it's a little frustrating. and all the more so b/c i am going to be losing track of him soon anyway, well not entirely... i'll chat with him on the internet. but he won't be around to smile and ask how my day's going anymore... a smile emoticon just isn't the same...

as if i didn't have other things going on in my life. i keep getting distracted by how interested in this damn guy i am.
it's probably just a strategy my subconcious(semiconcious might be more accurate, as i am somewhat aware) is using to avoid dealing with the real hardcore shit going on. i don't think i'm going to type about that right now. but it's serious.

well this is probably enough rambling for now. why am i posting honest and true feelings and shite on the open internets? well, why not? it helps get my thoughts out.

peace and all that shite,
PBM

so what, So WHAAAT...!

yeah, I'm listening to Ministry. It's not exactly cheering me up, but I feel better, I guess. Today doesn't seem like a good day to me. I am up to my ears in overdue or due soon assignments and it hurts. I am frustrated and feeling lonely in life and of course "love" or sex or something. Just Blah. And I think I might be coming down with some real minor illness or cold type thing. Blah. Yuck. And I just want to go home and go to bed. The Ministry really is starting to help now actually. Stigmata. Fuckin' love this song, loved it since high school. Enough whining on internet.

It's kind of frustrating, I was feeling happy and energetic for a little while. Awesome new housemate moved in recently, Spark festival was really really great, and school seemed doable. Got some more financial aid money (gotta pay it back though, someday), and am thinking about blowing it on software. All good things it seems. And suddenly this morning/last night kinda, I just kinda crashed. Boom. Just started thinking unhappy depressing thoughts and getting hung up on everything. Now I'm trying to find that excitement and energy again, I kind of need it. To do stuff. Must be excited about the stuff I need to do and learn for school damn it, or it won't get done. Can't just sleep. Nope. I think it'll help my overwhelmedness when I get my computer at home and can do work their instead of having to stay on campus all the time to do stuff. Sucks having to sit around here all night when I could be at home with food and cigarettes and perhaps good company. I didn't used to care so much about chilling at school late nights when it was just my housemate who sleeps all day and works nights and other housemate who I didn't know very well and didn't really have a rapport with... but now I actually have someone cool to hang out with at home... feels more like home kind of... shit... yeah... def. cooler than sitting around by myself anyhows. So now I like being at home. And it does make sense that eventually I'd get sick of just hanging around school near 24-7 so much of the time... blech. Getting my computer, internet, and blowing some dough on some of the software I am into at school will make life better. Won't have my computer till the end of this month though. ...
Random Random babbling... blah.

Glad no-one's reading this shite, I guess. Though it does feel like a waste, but it's good for thought stimulation to write out my thoughts. or something. Self-examination and crap. Woo. Excitement. Except I can't put everything that's going on in my head on the internet, that's a little scary. I should really start keeping a journal. I just have this insistent paranoia about writing down things that should be private, that may embarassing... I mean things deeper and more personal that my yammering on here of course... I'm just too paranoid that someone else might end up reading them. I'm a woefully self-conscious motherfucker.
Anyhow, gotta book back to class...
thanks for reading anybody who may have read this. share your insights about how I may resolve my woe and whatnot if'n you have any ideas. I think I need some drugs. Mushrooms mayhap... ;)

ouchie!

I just reread the last couple of posts. How embarrassing!?! I'm, like, almost 30! Blathering on about such nonsense... oh well, this is an internet web site, whatevers...

I want a banana popsicle.

Alvin Lucier kicks ass.

I go now, to electroacoustic performances at the Southern Theatre, part of the previously mentioned Spark Festival. Awesome awesome!

Gawd, Sometimes I Write Like A Twelve Year Old.

stuff and nonsense

Hi! I'm updating my blog again. Two posts in a week! Manic, dudez.

Last night whilst drinking beerz at the Nomad I got kinda to thinking about stuff... or just realizing some stuff. Like this crush mania is stupid ridiculous. :) I have decided to let go of the whole lot of it. Crushes, meh. Well, not do away with crushes exactly, dunno if it's entirely possible to do that, but to not get all crazy when I have one or two or three. Cuz I realized it's no big deal, actually I have like 3-5 crushes of varying degrees going right now... not counting distant public figures... So why freak out? Tis silly. So, I think I feel better now. Mayhap. I still have a major thing for the guy I spake of previously, but not gonna make a big deal out of it. Just gonna be happy to be around the fellow and work on getting to be good friends. Totes Cool! Which is pretty much the course I'm going to follow with all my crushes.
So this is going to be an interesting new thing, just letting go and seeing what happens- totally not freaking out over peeps I get crushes on... Makes sense! Maybe I'm FINALLY maturing. ;) Yippee!

bloody hellish pain and shite

hi after long hiatus dear and likely nonexistent readers. I am here to put forth yet more whining about the utter despair and black hole that is my unfortunate life.

Yup.

Or maybe I'm in a really good mood and insanely happy and ready to start kicking ass at everything... hardcore...

I have no idea. ;)

See, there's a new boy around, an unavailable but utterly perfect sexy/cute witty intelligent thoughtful kind generous guy. What to do? Well of course nothing. So am I happy that I know the guy at all? Or am I going batshit b/c he's unavailable and out of my league to boot? A little of a, little of b, of course. But the way to go is be chill and not spazz out w/ insane crush mania. And just be happy to have a wonderful new friend. Wisdom and maturity, I gots to get some of that. Sanity even. A level head. Chill.

In other news... while... other news is to a certain extent too unpleasant to launch into. So I'll skip that bit...

School is feeling kind of overwhelming... I keep waffling between being excited about my classes and being intimidated and freaked out.

Spark Festival of Electronic Music and Art is probably going to be rocking my sox off and stuff... click this spot for infos and schedule!
In fact I gots to go now to check out Scanner.

happy holi day days yeah yo

greetings good eve and merry holiday season,
i don't have much to say. my semester is done with and it was painful and i feel rather like i got hit by a large motor vehicle of some kind or run over by a large mammal.... something of that sort. just went way too damn fast and i needed to do better... yeah. too much crap, crap, crap. hopefully i will be a better person next semester... better student... better artist... and shit. yep.

thnx for reading my end of semester whining. hope you are pleasurably spending holiday time and having fun.

bye!