the head is in some minor dry pain agh

alright. it's still pretty shitey an' confuzzling. but whatever. and i have a headache. errr... fuckity.

i need to drink more water b/c i drank up a few of the whiskey 7's last nite. indeed.

nine in the mornin' nine in the mornin'

i have so many very important things to do.

i'm kinda lonely but i'm not cold.
 
life. woo.

play kingdom of loathing, dammit. unless you're just not cool enough to play it. then don't. hmmph.

bologna, okay, needs ketchup. or is it baloney, ok, needs catsup?

it seems entirely possible i'm on the verge of going crazy.

i'm probably exaggerating though.

things go further downhill and it seems the likeliness of me having a mainly friendless and certainly significant other-less existence is maintaining if not increasing. 

i'm really hungry right now and i'm too lazy to go to the grocery.
huh.

 i should be doing schoolwork or cleaning but instead i am hooked on an online RPG called kingdom of loathing. it is quite engaging and fun and humourous also but still no excuse for neglecting my studies or the messiness that is my room and apt. in general. ouch.

 i have a headache.

 i'm thirsty.

 i really wanna get drunk or at least, kinda wanna get drunk.

 i am losing desire to smoke cigarettes it seems. i've only smoked a few a week for the past few weeks. dwindling.

 i think my life is heading toward's it's apocalypse rather quickly. convergence of school troubles and financial troubles and psychological troubles and general loneliness and woe and apartment is a mess troubles and interpersonal relations troubles
more ouch

 it's not untanglable, i guess.

 get a job.
 concentrate harder on studies/schoolworks.
 pick up the apt. and do dishes and such regularly
 
 is this really insurmountable? no. of course not. but my problems seem to outweigh my potential by far.

 yes. i could start simply by regulating my time - do school stuff for at least x hours, clean for x hours, turn in x many job apps. each day; shite like that.

i dunno. or i could get even simpler and start by being sure to eat sleep and breathe proper each and every day b/c even that simple matter is something i neglect. i could try the meditation for a bit 'o time each evening. try not to hate myself i guess. something like that.

 but it's all a copout... it's like some sort of catch 22; either i hate myself b/c i'm  depressed and angry and i might even need meds. to fix it, or i hate myself for possibly "pretending" to/letting myself  be depressed and angry to drop out of life b/c it's easier that way. not trying hard enough to change. i can't figure it out. ha. fucking hilarious. i'm just a whiny fucking c*nt and i should get off my ass.

whatever.

seriously.

no f*ckin' clue.

later rockst*rs,

 +ptrsn+

i'm as calm as a fruit stand in new york and maybe as strange

hungry and cold and hungry and cold, cold like the dead under a few feet of snow in the frozen frozen winter ground

yup. i'm a fuckwit of sorts, been on campus all damn day half-assedly going at a composition project i need to be done with by tomorrow at one thirty.

woot.

wholly unwholesome dirty mess. fingernails jagged with grime underneath.
egregiously greasy and unpleasantly itchy as well.

missed much of sleep, at the club for halloween, drowning in rail whiskey and generic lemon lime soda once more. had the fortune somehow to wake up for class on time this morn, despite the passing out without setting my alarm at 4 or 5 in the morning. class was at 9:05.

all day i have gone without eating except my lovely friend and t.a. of electronic music class shared dried fruit with me. i should have gone home and took a nap and some baked potatoes and then returned late to work on progress b/c sitting here all day has been none too fruitful with the distractions of sleepy and hungry. not to mention cold. did i mention yet that i am very cold?

but last nite before the club i went trick or treating wtih some good friends and that was of course quite pleasant. it is nice to walk about a neighborhood actually speaking to people who live there, though it wasn't my neighborhood. i guess i could talk to people in my neighborhood more when i happen to see them but unfortunately i am shy and hate people.

that isn't true. neither really are. i am intensely nervous about speaking to people i don't know/know well but i am not exactly shy. and i generally like people but sometimes, oftentimes even, want naught to do with them. and i guess the problem with getting to know my neighbors is that then they'd, like, talk to me, whenever i happened into them.

what hell is wrong with me, eh?

enough transmission for today, for this moment anyway, i have stuff to be doing.

snowflakes, not yet.

the knives in the kitchen are too dull to smile

hungry. still sad that there was no after party hangout after halloween thing at the club. but such is life. i don't work there so oh well. got some good faggot pictures. faggot fucking rocked. yep. and and and i woke up in time for class despite passing out without setting my alarm which is pretty fucking amazing and lucky.

hungry. even a hot dog would be good right now. i have gummy body parts. my friend's mom gave them to me yesterday cuz she didn't get enough trick or treaters and she didn't want two bags of 'em. so i gave a few out at the halloween party. that was fun.

hungry. and lonely still. but feeling better then i were a week ago. for sure. maybe. :)

cold. inhale deep, exhale hard. what next?

when you're young you get sad... and you get high...

I like Ryan Adams. ;) :( A True Tale! and in fact I have rather wanted to listen to Ryan Adams for the past week or so and have been frustrated b/c it's on my external h.d. that is at skool. Aagh! And so I d/led Heartbreaker from emusic even though I have it on said h.d. and I have poked about on the interweb for other of his musics. Yes. Huh.

Emo! Indie Rocker hip songwriter crap! What is wrong with me!!?

kidding. it's indeed good shit and none of the above.

I also am craving cheese.

Last nite I saw Electric 6 and they are very very good.
The previous night I saw Negativland, also very very good.

I like being a weirdo with diverse musical tastes. Trues.

Also purple, milk, digital performer, final cut pro, and max/msp/jitter, and bacon, and whiskey, and flogging molly are all things I am rather fond of.

And my friends. I am happy about pinball and the Cardinals winning the world series b/c I have a buddy that is fond of these things. He kills at pinball. Yup. And he is a good and honest and sweet guy. The kind of people I like, good and honest and sweet, open mind, "warped" sense of humour. Yes. People who are unpretentiously themselves. Indeed. Trues fo' sho'.

Tomorrow the plan is to grab a ten thirty bus to Duluth. But I have concern. For one thing the affording this trip is an issue, my bro is supposed to have made arrangements to be sure I recoup what is spent on bus journey, but if he fails I will have a problem b/c I desperately need them moneys. Ergh. And the other thing is that I haven't done the bus trip to or from Duluth since b4 Mom died, and one of the things that I get all teary eyed about is remember how she always used to see me off at the bus station when I left, she always cried a bit as if I weren't comin' back or something even though of course I were... Yeah... so I am concerned about this making me sad.
And also my bro and his (ex?) girlfriend fight and argue and she is kinda wacko and if we are depending on her as driver to someplace or other, we have to be concerned about her flipping out about something and ditching us wherever and I just dunno if I can deal w/ the stress of it.
So I am actually waffling despite the being on the guest list to see Flogging Molly in Duluth and they are (hopefully probably) dedicating my Mom's favorite FM song to her. Not to mention seeing younger brother whom I haven't spent much time with for a while. Yeah.

Hmm... so we'll see what happens in the a.m. a.m. I guess.

fabulousbiscuits

abysmally uck. more hangover. skinned knee. lost bike locks. that was monday. last nite was not bad i was even home by eleven pm. and not too terribly drunk. but i still haven't eaten properly. the last comprehensive actual meal i had was spaghetti on sunday/monday morning-- yeah it were the wee hours. i went to a friend's place and we drank black 100 that was left over from drinking with ian with orange juice. and he made yummy spaghetti. he also threatened to shoot me but i'll overlook that b/c the spaghetti rocked.

so yeah, sunday was another awesome d.w.i. taping at which i did some decent camera work and had fun. then i got home at like two in the morning and talked to my friend on the telephone and somehow ended up taking the black 100 that i got at the shoot and going to his place. and then i got home again at like maybe 5 and forgot to set my alarm again b/c i'd set it earlier before i left but when i left i unplugged it and when i came back i forgot cuz for some reason i was thinking it was good. so i missed a class which is bad. and on top of that i hit the black 100 again and sent an email to my instructor that probably had a bit much of the drunken cussing about stuff and rambling in it. i have that class again today, and i'll be there. it's in one hour and fourty five minutes. almost am so embarrassed about the dingbat email that i don't wanna go.
click on this magic text to go listen to the most recent composition i made for my electronic music class! Lemme know what y'all think. I am going to get ready for going to class now. I am hungry but don't wanna eat now b/c I know my stomach and bowels will not react well. so I have to wait till I don't got nowhere to go. ergh. l8r awesome interweb.

no new naptime

tailspin vs. upswing.  fatigue, emptiness, loneliness, vs just doing and being and being content with the being and doing- something like that.
angry vs calm
self destructive vs self esteem
mania vs mania
aagh.

 cleaning schoolwork finances breathing

 aagh. saying fuck it and sleeping instead...  *sigh*

breathing?

mskllneous rmblngs

 something I have noticed, and of course I have somewhat noticed this before but not quite in the same way... I mean, I guess now I am seeing it as a trait I seem to have that I need to find a way to change. I seem to be more likely to mourn the passing of good times than to be happy that I have had them. I am listening to Sonic Youth and thinking of times spent sitting up all nite drinking and listening to Sonic Youth and other stuff but lots of Sonic Youth in preparation of them coming here in the first week of Sept which has happened already now... anyway we had a lot of fun, and now my friend is reluctant to sit up all nite drinking w/ me for some reason... And the Sonic Youth concert happened so we don't have that impetus for him to introduce to all his favorite Sonic Youth. Am I happy that he and I shared some awesome times? Well of course I am somewhat, but more I find myself feeling really sad that it looks like we don't be doing stuff like that again. Hmm...

 And I miss Mom like hell. If I could find a way to focus on good times we've had together and be glad to have those memories...

  I'm hungry. Sonic Youth is awesome, but unfortunately the show wasn't quite as awesome as hoped though that was possibly b/c of their playing a sort set consisting of mostly new stuff we didn't know that well.

 The Flaming Lips also played, they were the headliner, they were beyond awesome. As ever, the song Do You Realize... made me cry, even while I sang along. I've had that song come into my head so many times...

 " Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face
   Do you realize we're all floating in space
   Do you realize happiness makes you cry
   Do you realize
     that everyone you know someday will die?

  But instead of saying all your goodbyes
 let them know you realize that life goes fast
 it's hard to make the good things last
 
 Realize the sun doesn't go down
  it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

 May contain minor errors I've pretty much memorized it from listening but have only glanced at a lyrics sheet once...

pain in head, kill everything

yeah what title says

head hurts

i think maybe i am just going to keep beating myself up till i give up and blow my brains out or somesuch. or i am not going to do that. but whatever the case it still seems that i am adamantly going nowhere of note. stale, stalled, something else that suggests a lack of motion of beginning with the letter "s" as apparently i am fond of alliteration. i have to think about the times i have felt happy and productive and figure out what was different about those times. there weren't very many times like that however. and even during those times it's not as if i found success in life, i just felt less like shit for a bit generally for external reasons like a really cool poetry class for example. it is true generally that having a good writing class helps me feel better because i seem to somewhat good at writing poetry. something like that. the problems though of not having many friends and feeling very uncertain of the very scant few i have and feeling very lonely and wishing for things other than the things that i have and generally sucking at life in general don't just go away. now it seems that some of my problems may stem from misplaced attachments... "unskillful" attachments, something like that. just seeing the things i have typed out. and also a severe lack of self-confidence.

 i don't really know what to do next. or i know everything to do next and not how to do it. an overwhelming amount of things that i should be doing when sitting here on the computer seems easier. i am scared of the world and of doing it seems. i have trouble getting off the couch and setting down my laptop just to make meals, much less leave the apartment and do important things out in other bits of the world.
 that's not to say i don't do anything. yesterday i helped tape three episodes of a local t.v. program. and i had fun and maybe it helped my self-confidence though it's really hard to say because it generally seems that i don't amount to much as a camera operator and even when i think i did good work i don't seem to get that feedback from "higher ups" on the crew. and it bugs me to be disincluded in things like planning and idea generating because i think i am creative and clever and very useful in a brainstorming session. of course it undermines what confidence i seem to have that they don't seem to think i am creative and clever and useful, they just want me to carry things where they tell me to and shoot what they tell me to when i am operating the camera. it seems often that they give me little credit for having a functioning brain. i mean, i like most of these ppl and enjoy talking to them when i have the chance to, but nonetheless i feel that what i am saying is true. and also it really doesn't seem like they like me or find me interesting or anything, everyone usually talks a bit more to a friend of mine who has been doing the show far less time than i, in part b/c she is more outgoing than i but it also feels like it is mainly because she is way more physically attractive than i(she is awesome, i don't mean these comments as a slight towards her by any means). meh.

 oh and i just found out that a bunch of Mom's belongings that were stored at my brother's were gone through and thrown out by some kid hired by the overzealous landlord to break into the house and start cleaning it out without any notice given to my brother. He says he was able to recover most stuff from the dumpster it was tossed into and most of  the stuff i was still interested in was already safely in storage. He had a really nice leather jacket of Mom's that was taken, and also the motorcycle Mom left him. Hopefully not the tools also, I am not sure. We got into an argument because it sounded like he was trying to minimize the loss so I wouldn't feel so bad and I just wanted to know the truth. I guess I just have a hard time believing he actually got as much stuff to storage as he claims since the last time I was up there to pick stuff up and bring it home. I know I had some special items Mom gave me there yet... Hopefully they made it out safely. I guess I'll have to make it there soon to get more stuff and make sure it's still there. Though I guess if it's gone it's just gone and I will have to accept that. He's planning on taking the landlord to court. And his girlfriend's sister, whom they were staying with and supposed to be renting from after they completed their garage and a living space above it, wigged out on them and won't return a bunch of stuff of theirs including valuable baseball cards left to myself and him that he had stored there for safekeeping. Fucking awesome. And there is still the matter of my uncle and figuring out how he handled things, b/c things seem to have been mishandled-- he was the executer. There's some weird stuff... and the way he handled things right after she passed away was pretty fucked up, the way he handled the funeral was somewhat fucked up, pretty much everything he was involved with was fucked... i dunno...

 I am getting so much closer to just giving up on all this and either dying myself or just going someplace else far away and, i dunno, becoming a mindless junkie or something. i have no fucking clue. just sick of this shit.

 so, circular, back to the beginning or thereabouts... i don't know how to deal with any of this and am failing miserably.
what next?

i like ice cream and wearing no socks

 crazy how sometimes i have trouble believe Mom really died... takes some getting used to I guess.

still ain't doing much of anything, have lots of somethings that need doing though, esp with school back on next month. yowie. supposed to have done projects for a couple different classes i got incompletes in. there are at least two things i should bust ass on and try and have done before the beginning of the semester or at least within the first week or so, projects for classes, I mean. Spark Fest 2006 is already asking for submissions and I believe they want them by the end of next month... possibly going to submit a multichannel audio piece and maybe try and come up with a video piece as well. One or the other or both hopefully. And need to contact the director about getting involved early on this time. It was so cool last time... Sorry I am in a hurry to go get some shit done but I'll throw up a link later. Probably I should try and do a piece that I can both use for my projects for my inc. classes and submit to Spark. I have some paperwork to do and a bill to take care of with the U too or I won't even be there this semester. Kinda been sucking hard as far as getting shit done. Gotta try and get it together realy quicklike. Plus my apt. is still a mess, laundry sorely needs doing, and i should be trying to pick up some extra money somehow or other... among other myriad miscellany. and my head's still pretty damn wonky. argh. i need to cut my hair. and dye it purple.

  thinking about getting a piercing or tattoo. prob a piercing, waffling on what to get pierced. probably go to st. sabrina's to get it done if i get up the nerve. i have a buddy or two i can prob get to go with for "moral support". it'd be cool to get pics or video of it being done... f*cking sweet. more later, supposed to be cleaning something.

grief and loss and stuff

So yeah, Mom's dead. Been dead since mid-March or so. That's how it is.

 For some reason, it seems to be getting harder to deal with the further off it gets. Lately I've found myself thinking about little details. Things from the past, times with her, things about her, things about her death...

 Tonite I found myself thinking about how my brother and I sat in the room with her body after she'd passed. Not crying intensely, or freaking out. Even making jokes and laughing a mite. For some reason now, I can't figure how I did that. I almost regret it. Like somehow if I'd cried more and been more bereft right off the bat, it would have been easier now. But how would it have made things better to freak out? If I couldn't stop crying or clung to the body or some such somewhat silly shite? I dunno. Probably it would not. Probably I was dealing okay. But why is it getting harder now?

 Of course this makes sense. At the time I could sort of shrug and be like, yeah, it's okay, death is part of life, it was going to happen eventually, she's out of pain now, etcetera... Now I know she's gone and I'll never see her again and it sinks in more and more with every passing day. I just have to find a way to deal with it. I miss her so much. Seems like I can't stop crying off and on lately. Just the past week or so it's really been hitting me. Hopefully I'll get to some point where it's a little easier to deal with.
 
  I should be doing more with myself to keep busy, to get things I need to do done, to be healthy and in good mental health, to bolster my well-being. Ya know, simple shit even that I am not doing, like sleeping regular hours, eating well, regular exercise. Keeping my apartment neat and doing dishes and laundry. Finishing work I am behind on from school. Seeing a dentist. Sending out miscellaneous mail and forms and paperwork that I should be getting out for various reasons. Leaving the apartment for at least a bike ride or something every single day. Getting sun and doing stuff. Not drinking so much. Not being online so much. Reading books. Writing stuff. Meditating. Finding ways to bolster my self esteem and a positive outlook. Not spending money inappropiately. Getting a job or trying to get some temp work. 
   Etcetera. As you can see, lots to do, lots should do, and mayhap if I worked on doing such things, I would start feeling more positive. And it may help to alleviate the pain. I am always going to miss my Mom, and always remember my Mom, but at some point I have to not let it hold me up so much or make me sad so much. Of course I'll always feel some sadness... I don't want to get over it precisely, just be able to make it through a few days without crying, even to remember her and smile instead of crying. That's what she'd want.

back in bloggyland and stuff and myriad miscalleneous thoughts..............

i like the dark.
i'm trying to escape the internet and drink more liquor.
i have a few friends whose company i enjoy immensely, though i could always use more.
and i seem to have lost a few good friends recently, but am waiting for confirmation...
oh well.
i also have many interesting peeps i talk to online. though i am trying to not be so wasteful of time on thee mighty internet.
i like to read books. i am currently reading cosmic trigger by robert anton wilson and also the satanic bible by anton szandor lavey. gee i just realized that makes two antons, sort of and i was rather thinking there are things these books have in common, the small bits i have read thus far anyhow. i am also sort of rereading a wild sheep chase by haruki murakami. of course since i am still spending far too much time online, this is all going rather slowly. i have a small vocabulary building book i picked up cheap too and am carrying that around. also there is the buddhist book i am/were reading- a path with heart by jack kornfield. which i am sort of on hiatus from, but will probably skip back to soon b/c i am thinking of having a go at the buddhist thing again now that i am starting to try and get my shit together, after a rather long hiatus from having my shit together in any fashion at all... my shit is still pretty fucked, but i am sorta getting out from under stuff... and trying doing things that i need to be doing... blah etc slowly and haphazardly with little commitment and not so much effort but stumbling towards maybe doing things that need to be done in my life... something like that... haphazardly fumbling with little committed effort... hmmm sounds about right... need more whiskey! i can put a little effort into that... lol... am i going down or up? who the fuck knows... we'll see... ask me in a couple months, if i am still breathing and functional...

 i am also trying some new things, looking for some new things to try, using the internet as an aide for finding my way.... can't say too much more about that actually, funny though i started this blog to somewhat anonymously express miscellaneous myriad thoughts without inhibition... well now i don't want some of my friends/peeps i know who *may* read this to know some of the miscellaneous myriad things i may be up to. lol... i'll have to start another more anonymous blog to babble about that...
 and then i'll give that url to my friends who i don't mind knowing about the stuff i am not disclosing now
 then i will do something i don't want them to know about and i'll have to start an even more secretive and discrete blog.

 dammit.

     i will try to be more regular about updating this, if you read this thing and have some thought to share plz do share a thought so that i know that someone actually is reading this and that will motivate me to bother to post more.

  i am going to go drink now. no, not that whiskey i was going on about, just some water. my head is sore and needs watering...

life is crazy. fucking fuck. i want it to be crazier... like a doing shit going crazy sorta thing instead of a sitting around doing nothing fuck this shit it's crazy sort of thing... something like that. wake up fucker! <<-note to self

miscellaneous mountains of unhappiness and woe

it's bloody amazing how depressed I am,  for a little while I thought the being more sad was a part of waking up and wanting to get more into living but now I am thinking, no I am really in a ridiculous amount of pain here. Too many things going south. People don't like me, I am unsuccessful and totes lack ambition, I am f*cking ugly and fat.

 oh well... I'd babble on more here, but I guess my housemate and I are going to go play some scrabble somewheres.

fuck this shit

i love ppl that don't love me back. that could be  my new tagline, if i were hip enough to have such a thing. that's my life in a nutshell i think. i mean, fuck nutshells, but anyway that's where it's at. there's some ppl right now i know that i would do just about anything for, and seems they barely have interest in...well i dunno, that could be an exxaggeration, but anyhow, ppl like me way less than i like them it seems... i mean there are ppl right now i would fucking do just about anything for and even tho they are def my friends, i think that what they would help me out with and what i will and even mayhap have in some cases, help them out with are on completely different levels. what am i trying to say? i dunno, i have had some whiskey 7's and some beers and well i have thought about this sober so i can assure you this ain't just drunken nonesense, well it's disintegrating. really i guess i could post more on this when i am sober. yep.

life...

another day, another moment desiring a bullet through my fat head...

"lol", that is so fucking negative, eh?

 i am just getting sick of shit... i can't function in this world, it seems like every time i start to get closer to another human, develop some sort of friendship or something... i do something to fuck it up b/c i just don't get ppl. i am thinking i should just give up on having friends for the most part... i dunno... my favoritest ppl i know aren't talking to me like they used to or like i'd like them too or at all... i don't know what i did... i don't know how to fix it...

so this is life, eh? fun times...

hello world

so i have been growing my social life but my academic/creative life is flopping... right now i think i am going to make serious efforts to get everything together... my life in general hasn't been doing well either, though i am happier at some points b/c i have been making friends/hanging out with people whose company i enjoy more often. but i have to get it all together. i can't flunk the class i am taking. i can't ignore my responsibilities, my housework, grocery shopping, and such miscellaneous things that need doing on a regular basis. i have paperwork and other things that i need to get mailed to various places. i need to figure out what to buy my Dad for father's day, it's coming up fast...
I am kind of feeling more alive and engaged... or at least engagable today... with life and things that need to be done...
guess that's all i got to say for the moment. :) life is okay.

my eyes hurt...

i guess i haven't updated in a while. not much to say, really. i don't know what's going on. i can't tell if things are getting shittier or better. i don't know if there's any point to anything. i am still extremely fucking lonely and generally unhappy. it seems the unrequited crushes scene is getting worse, though on friendships i guess i am doing better. i fucking hate this heat.

yeah, so, whatever. i dunno. sort of aborting the class it seems, though i am enrolled and still attending for the most part. but today i just ain't going... just fucked. stupid head is aching the heat is making me crazy i am short on sleep and i have no project to turn in... if you're in my class and you're reading this plz ignore that last part...

damn it i am thirsty and filled with rage at everything... argh.

there was a bat in my apartment last night, i thought it was super cute though i didn't want him flying into my head... he would find a spot and hang out for a little bit, then fly around the room 3-4 times then settle down again... then fly around again... he was sitting for a while and i prodded him lightly with a broom handle b/c i had decided to see if i could figure a way to coax him into the kitchen as there is a door to an outside balcony in there, he started flying about again and i wasn't sure what to do next, when the poor guy smacked into a wall and fell... i was worried about him, but had to get him out of there so i threw my sweater over him and carefully carried him and sweater outside, was able to release him and he flew away, so hopefully he is okay.

so about the same as the last post. obviously i am not going to get any better at this shit... life or whatever... silly thing to say, but it seems true. yeah, whatever, just get off your ass and do your schoolwork, your dishes, your cleaning, and all that other shit... it should be that easy, eh? guess i'm just fucking broken... lazy... something...


and i fucking hate couples. i fucking hate seeing ppl hug and cuddle and makeout. it's even worse if it involves someone i kinda have a crush on myself. yeah rub it in assholes... i mean, of course i am happy for others that are happy and experiencing a good relationship, romance, love whatever... esp. my friends. i am just lonely and depressed... i even actually cried when i saw my psychologist yesterday, telling him how seeing a friend and her boyfriend cuddling at a concert made me go outside and almost cry... and i have been avoiding crying at the psych. office, i mean it's gotta happen eventually, but i am still not comfortable enough there really...

distressed rambles

so i don't know what's happening now. it seems like i've turned about and given up. sort of. i mean, i haven't been trying to meditate regularly or even finished reading the awesome book i started reading a few months ago about meditation... i am in some sort of daze. i have been getting out and socializing kinda, drinking copious amounts of whiskey 7's and beers... developing new crushes... still being frustrated about the "old" ones... being frustrated about being fucking lonely. trying to figure out how these human mating rituals work, i hear sometimes people go out on dates-- i don't think i've actually been on a "date" ever ever... i've certainly never been asked... this is frustrating to me...
  i have piles and piles of skool work(the piles are mainly metaphorical), of laundry(these piles exist in the physical world), and all sorts of cleaning and organizing to do around the house. i have to find a dentist who will fix the holes in my teeth that are getting bigger all the fucking time. i should look into getting back on prozac probably. i have financial aid paperwork that is holding up fall award possibly and i still haven't done it even though it's simple stuff and i have the documents i need to send in. i had dishes piling up for weeks, but i actually did most of those finally yesterday afternoon. my room is a sea of miscellany calling out for some sense of order. i just about hate fucking everything.

 i started a new class today,  a may session class - that means it's just a short intensive course- 9-12 m-f for the next three weeks. it seems cool, it seems like maybe it'll help me get creative and active and doing and making but i feel so not creative and not active and anti-doing -- mayhap more destructive if anything. i just don't know what to do with myself. i'm going fucking insane.

 i am so goddamned scared of the world. i can't survive in this place. i don't know anything about how to deal with it. i can't even cope with having friends if i actually have them i freak out b/c i don't know what they think of me and i don't think they like me or i worry that they won't like me eventually when they get to me better or ...
 i dunno, i just feel so goddamned small and scared and lonely...

 i'm sure i'll be fine. eventually.

memories on Mom's birthday

 






Mom was down to see me for a Flogging Molly show and spent a couple days at my place in Mpls. last summer.
 We were walking around and decided we wanted ice cream. There was a Cold Stone Creamery near where we were, but I convinced Mom that locally owned little
Sebastian Joe's was the place to go... after that tasty homeade cone,
she agreed. It was a bit of a hike, but as she would tell you, it was worth it.





  While walking home from Sebastian Joe's we found this bowling ball in the grass. We kicked the bowling ball about ten blocks... it was fun. I still have it.



  This is a more recent photo, Mom dressed for chemo treatment, with the trenchcoat (that my housemate in Mpls had given her while she was visiting) for cover so she could surprise the nurses... Not that they were surprised, she was always up to something like that...




  Mom striking a pose at Relay for Life a couple years back. This is an awesome pic, but I wish I had the one from last year of her doing a wheelie in her wheel chair, it was either the same day or day after a chemo treatment... and there she was at the Relay... ;)
 Relay for Life is an annual walk to raise money for the American Cancer Society. The Duluth one is at St. Scholastica in July and a team of family and friends of my Mom will be walking in her memory. (ya wanna donate some dough? lemme know :) )

 



  another pic from the Dragon Boat practices...





  This is from a couple of summers ago when Mom and I went to the Carlton County Fair in Barnum, MN. I try to go every year 'cuz I grew up showing heifers and entering 4-H projects at this fair, my Dad's farm was in Carlton Cty.(he doesn't have it any more)... when I was a kid I was there every day riding rides, playing games, and running about practically from open to close. Anyway, there's Mom enjoying some delicious sweet corn on the cob by a propane tank piggie. Good times...





 another pic at O'Donovan's Irish Pub, this before a Flogging Molly show at First Avenue across the street.
 Mom enjoying a smoke after some delicious O'd's fish and chips and looking good. She was a hella sharp dresser, weren't she? I love that hat. My Grandpa has it now and I am sure he wears it with pride.


 

here's another pic of her post-FM show with Dave King. This one's after the Irish Fest in St. Paul at a pub called the Liffey.




This is Mom being wacky, apparently there was a cartoon with a wacky fellow going to Six Flags that was she is dressing like here, cuz she thought it was funny. It is pretty funny, though I never saw the commercial...

Well that's all I got for now. I have scads more on various cd-r's that are not organized well at all, one of these days, soon, I have to go through them and find the rest of my pix...

  thanks for visiting and enjoying these memories with me.


I have somewhat of a dearth of close friends about Mpls right now, but if anyone reads this that knows me or sorta knows me and wants to join me, I am planning on going to O'D's to drink some Finnegan's and mayhap have some tasty food in her memory this afternoon. Should be around 5:30/6 methinks. Feel free to contact me to confirm whatever means you may have of getting in touch with me(pm, im, email, lve a msg here... ). O'Donovan's is the Irish pub across from First Ave, Finnegan's is an Irish Ale that tastes good and donates profits to charity. Mom loved the stuff. Guinness too...
Thanks.

more pix 'o me Ma

 this first one's just a test, to see if i can link to pictures from the family website...

  that's Mom and Jesse, it's a practice for the Lake Superior Dragon Boat races that she participated in with coworkers from Fon Du Luth Casino last year. She did it right after a chemo treatment. She was hella tough.

 Hope this posts, if it does, more to come... if not, more to come eventually I just have to put the pix up somewhere else first...

5/17/2006

 happy birthday Mom, wherever you are. I wish we could talk again...



 maybe i'll post more later...

longing, loss, and miscellaneous woe

   i am desperately lonely and sad. and i realized today that, while i wouldn't say i lack a will to live, basically; i seem unable to fully commit to being alive, taking care of myself, doing things that are healthful and helpful for myself, etcetera... something like that. it's frustrating and ridiculous to whine about things i'm not doing that i could simply, in theory, choose to do...
it's just got me seriously wondering what is the point of being alive? I don't mean I am considering not being alive..., just really really wondering. I mean I'm basically alone in life and it doesn't seem likely that that is going to change, and I am really f*cking lonely. And i almost entirely lack a drive to make something more of life, it just seems kind of hopeless. So, what's the point?

maybe i should be on prozac or something, i dunno..



 and tomorrow's Mom's birthday.
I really really miss Mom.

Mom

This past New Year's... had about as much fun as you can in a hospital, eating Chinese food and watching tv...


Mom always liked to try and make things more fun... wearing shiny flamingo boxers to chemo, writing messages for the dr. on her body when she went on for surgery, putting stuff on her iv rig... ;)





Ma and Dave King giving eachother the business...





Me and Mom and my brother, guy with his head cut-off is a son of a friend of Mom's..., don't remember if this is pre or post FM show @ First Ave... if it's post I am hella hella wasted...






Mom and Hunter.


R.I.P.


Hunter got hit by a truck in February, Mom passed away from complications due to Ovarian Cancer last month.


Her 49th birthday would've been this Wednesday... probably I am going to O'd's to have a few Finnegan's for her...


Listening to Flogging Molly right now...

smoke, ashes

sittin' here, fat, naked. sad.

the old music makes me sad. it doesn't matter if it's something Mom liked or not or if we listened to it together it's not that, it's just like there is a weird divide... some of what i like and listened to often before Mom died is somehow indicative of that time... which isn't any particular time, just the time I still had my Mom... 

it's all a a joke and so are you...

It feels like jesus on the cross.
It's so religious in it's loss:
A graven image in the mud,
like when I shed my precious blood.

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

Atrophic interludes weave through my life far too often
for me to fight the biggest enemies.
I have no feelings, like love or pain, it makes me go insane
when I see what's happening to me... I say:

I am a loser,
I am satan,
I am jesus christ,
I'm me.
There are no winnners in this fucked reality.

There are no idols, no heroes in a world of death.
It's all a joke and so are you,
and so am I... think? just look and see...
It's a fucked reality.


-- "fucked reality" choking victim

not that depressed, just love this song...

"fuck you and fuck the universe"

laying here listening to ryan adams and contemplating grabbing a beer or a whiskey + vault soda... 
which is not what i should be doing
 things i should be doing--
  attending the last digital music synthesis class of the semester
  working on a piece for my other electronic music class for turning in tomorrow
  walking to the post office to mail out important paperwork
  cleaning
  laundry
  dishes

 among other possibilities of things that would be more useful than sitting here listening to ryan adams and contemplating drinkin' and writing in my blog.

 hmm...

quiet and dangerous
 loud and perfectly harmless

 

 ;)
overly fond of emoticons

my horoscope says i need to muster my self-discipline and let the universe know i am reporting for duty. 
 i don't know if i like the sound of that, actually. 
 i guess that means i should try harder, though.
;)
 
 so i was feeling really shitty yesterday, i am not feeling much better know... or well i sort-of am... but... 
 i dunno...
jus' gotta get my shit together and do the things i need to do...  and stop whining... 

 i can't believe this... i am absolutely certain that i am irrepairable. my belief that the damage is too deep is just, well it seems unshakable. it's just not gonna happen. so what can i do if i can't find it in myself to go forward? 
 it doesn't matter that i muster occasionally enough of an energy or whatever to think i could change. i don't believe. i have NO belief in myself whatsoever in that respect. i'm fucked. i'm just a weirdo who'll always be on the sideline maybe tolerated but probably not liked. 
  and i ain't going to accomplish shit. 
 i'm crazy, that's that. 
fuck it... 

 i shouldn't think too much. or something. i am just sick of everything. it seems like noone actually likes me, just sometimes people take pity on me and are nice to me... or maybe just too nice to tell to me to go away. 
 i don't know what to do about it... i don't know why people don't like me, i couldn't explain what's so fucked up about me... people just don't like me. i'm just... probably it's just that i am needy and somehow that seeps out even if i try not to be... i guess i dunno, but ... whatever... maybe this psychologist guy tomorrow will have some insight... or maybe i should just give up on the idea of having friends... but i can't just keep to myself, i can't just not go out and do things... even if i don't do much of anything i find some way to rub people the wrong way... 

miscellaneous jibber jabber

right now i am being silly. i am sad and kind of angry and frustrated. smoked 2 cigarettes today. but i haven't done anything to combat it really. it's not like i can say i'm trying to fix things and it's not working- honestly. it's funny that i am thinking about giving up on finding a better path for myself or whatever... 
 when i have barely given this a chance. it's pretty much the sort of thing i usually do, take a half-assed stab at something, shrug and move on when it doesn't catch. i guess i am just lazy. 
  i can't expect to get anywhere without committing to make changes in my life and myself and following through. i guess there's alot to do in my life right now and i'm kind of overwhelmed, but being overwhelmed doesn't mean i should say fuck it and do nothing. 
 i don't know why i am so afraid of committing and working at making my life better, feeling okay, being content with myself, whatever... i mean, what have i got to lose? if one path doesn't work i can try another one. but if i don't go, i'm not going anywhere, and nothing's changing and i am going to keep feeling like shit. what the hell. do i need someone to tell me what to do and lead me through this? ridiculous. 
 
i should exercise and meditate every day. i should figure out what i need to do and slowly and reasonably work on doing it. i should stop letting myself get so negative and not get so frustrated over things that aren't that important. really i guess i should try not to get too frustrated over anything. i need to try and have more faith in myself and my ideas and my knowledge and stuff. chances are i will give myself the same advice or at least some of the same advice as others i trust, yet it means more to come from them than if i suggest it to me... 
 i am rambling. anyway my head started to not feel so locked up and unable to work right and now it's all confusing and ouchie again. if first ave were open tonite i'd probably go out there and drink. crazy maybe but it actually helps. 
dedicated to unhealthy decisions since... well i guess i didn't make my own decisions in 77, maybe 1980?
 i should do something other than this. 
like read,  do school stuff, meditate, write in my notebook, get groceries, go for a walk, etcetera
yeah and not drink nor smoke probably... ;)

thinking a little more about this matter of sometimes wanting to be pushed against a wall and fucked... 

 i was just thinkin' and i find this interesting... there's one person i have a crush on and when i think about the idea of having sex with that person, in my thoughts it's usually rough and/or somewhat primal 
than there's another person i have a crush on and when i think of being with that person, in my mind it's slow and gentle

 hmm... 
   of course when i actually find someone i develop feelings for who actually develops feelings back, hopefully that person will be someone i can enjoy both of those things and more...  ;)
  
  meanwhile, anyone got the number for a cute boy hooker? one that does girls... 

more monday morning miscellany

"i play russian roulette everyday, a man-sport with a bullet called life, yeah mama, called life" 

 i think this is right. sugar, system of a down.
-- --- ---- --- --- ---
 i think i want to start a band called man-sport. 
of course i have also rather liked
kuntsmacker 
and 
cunty mcroughlove and the pillars of manhood

 hmm. 
oh yeah, and on a more emo bent, 
the martyr party

 i think there's more mayhap i'll make a list. 

 so who wants to be in my band? ;)

monday thought 'o the morning, and Mom

sometimes you just want to have somebody you can push against a wall and fuck.
or somebody that'll push you against a wall and fuck you.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --- ---

yeah, so last night/this morning(she passed away just around/after midnite) was the three week(i think it's three and not four) anniversary of Mom's death already. i meant to light a candle or something but ended up being out with some friends playing scrabble. that's probably cooler, Mom and I played alot of scrabble together.
Her 49th birthday woulda been in a couple of weeks.
... ... ... ...

hopefully nobody's confused but no there is no connection between the two segments of this post.
I miss my Mom, and also am incredible horny and sometimes just want it rough. nothing wrong with that, eh?

i miss my mom.

pointedly foolish, tis i

i changed the name. i hope that's cool. url is the same. i like the new title better, i dunno if the contents were as random and weird as the old name suggested. that was simply b/c of my using the screen name "random weirdo" at the tcpunk messageboard.

oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän| noun a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g., faith unfaithful kept him falsely true). DERIVATIVES oxymoronic |-məˈränik| adjective ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Greek oxumōron, neuter (used as a noun) of oxumōros ‘pointedly foolish,’ from oxus ‘sharp’ + mōros ‘foolish.’

this is from a comment i made whilst talking to my video instructor last night, she had said some nice things about me, as we were sort of discussing my lack of confidence in myself as an artist and other such things. i was telling how i really do feel that i have alot of potential and could do whatever i wanted if i just put my mind to it, and than that i don't... ;) and she looked confused and i just shrugged and said "I'm an oxymoron" and went on to note again my lack of self-confidence as an artist, as well as my lack of drive or motivation. anyway that was a cool lil' conversation. the comment itself indicates something i've felt about myself for a long time, i am an oxymoron, there are many things true of me that would seem to contradict themselves, for example being both shy/insecure socially and maniacally gregarious. being an immensely talented and intelligent person in theory but not so much practice. being good at brainstorming and suggesting ideas to others but not so good at coming up with and committing to and following through with my own. being relatively well aware of things that are causing me problems, yet not quite able to fix them. for example i know i have problems socializing and could tell you alot about what they are and how they manifest themselves but i can't just fix them. i guess part of it is that while i used to think maybe i could, i probably don't know exactly what the root cause of the problems are, what it is that's happened that made me that way. i actually used to think i understood that better and more recently have come to realize that is not the case. :) anyway i know that i actually can fix it and that's one of the things i am going to be working on. if i don't like something about myself i just change it... yeah... we'll see how that goes in practice, after all it's not like i didn't already know that was an option. but... yeah. if i stop thinking it's not gonna work, maybe it will ;)
well that got sidetracked and babble-y. anyway, blog name changed. lemme know what you think, all you one to three or so people that actually read this stuff....

i have to say, today was a good day

this is an experience in taking an incredibly awesome evening and deconstructing it until i think it was crap. kind of what i do. compulsively rethink and pick over things until i find the cracks. i really should just say no. i am not going to do this...

tonite was the opening reception for the mfa and bfa shows in the u of mn art dept. i was feeling kind of wonky- tired and a lil' sick after lack of sleep, a morning of work, and not eating alot today. but when i get like that i get really open, sort of emotional, but really just open to experience- sometimes. anyway that's really how it seemed this afternoon. i went over to look at the art that was up before the reception to avoid the crowds and there was some really good stuff that resonated with me quite strongly...
i ran into a friend who graduated last year and really enjoyed talking to him about art and life and whatnot.
viewed performance piece involving burning sculptures that a friend of mine was/is(it's sort of ongoing) as part of the bfa show...
ran into my instructor for my video class who told me she ran into another instructor of mine, my digital music synthesis instructor, and they talked about me, about having faith in my artistic abilities, and she paid me a couple other major compliments too...
i should just accept them. and be glad in the other experiences and conversations i've had today that i have greatly enjoyed or been moved in some fashion by... i have a tendency to dig and pick at things and think of what i regret in a situation rather than what was awesome. and i have a tendency to find holes in things, like getting compliments from instructors about my abilities, rather than accept that they really think the those things... i'm going to try and not do that anymore... it's nice to feel good.

old wounds, scars, bleeding and whatnot

former housemate guy came by today and picked stuff up. sweetheart, took time to hang out and talk to me about how things are going and whatnot. he's kinda been helping along with the buddhism, and whatnot, getting my head straight and shit. somehow i ended up talking about some painful incidents from my childhood... shit i have kinda bottled up mainly for years, though i guess it doesn't seem like it's hurt anything. i'm sure it has though, not having properly dealt with all manner of crap from younger days... i don't know what to do now, he's taken off back to wife and home and i didn't really get to go into it too much, it would have been nice to have talked more but at the same time it's not right for me to expect him to play therapist.
just not sure what to do at the moment. and i am sad additionally just that he's moved cuz i got sort of attached to him... but we're friends and it's cool...
i don't know if i should think more about it or let it fall back into the recesses of my mind- the whole matter of incidents in my childhood and teenage years that fucked things up in me that i probably have never really realized fully.
i do have a psychologist appt. next week, hopefully the guy i'm seeing will work out and i can start healing some of this crap. i could just put it out of mind until than... i don't know if that's the right way to go though.
the thing is with this shit, it's okay. that's kind of something i've told myself, i've thought about. even if life's been shitty, it's made me the person i am today and that's definitely not all bad. can't change the past. the past is what's made me who i am. and there are alot of things i like about who i am that go back to the bad as well as the good. perhaps more the bad than the good. even if i really don't like myself and am constantly putting myself down and regretting 3/4 of every moment of my life, if i really think about it, i do like myself. there are good things about me. and i would be a very different person if i had a different past, i wouldn't know the difference of course... but anyway i don't know that the person i would have turned out to be if things were different would be as cool as the person i am now. so i guess i should just be cool with having had a fucked up childhood and a fucked up teenhood... and just try and find my path now to be alright with myself and happy.

damnation and more headaches

 
 i keep almost starting to feel okay and get myself and go do things and than i start feeling like shit again and start crying. it's unbelievable. it's really really really fucked-up. i am pretty sure i am genuinely psychologically unsound. or something like that. maybe i need medication? 
i mean i can't say too much to explain that except that i am letting things get to me and drive me nuts besides the obvious and important fact that my mother just passed away from complications stemming from ovarian cancer and on top of that it's genetic. why even stop smoking when i am going to have a deadly cancer within the next decade anyway? maybe that is what's really bothering me. but i keep getting obsessed with something else and it's driving me batshit. and it's not really stuff i should get into too deeply on here. probably i should be writing in my notebook. 

 part of this whole problem is that i think i want to be fucked up. i want to plummet. i don't get it and i can't explain it but it seems to be so. 

 i've joked about wanting to develop a drug habit that would totally fuck up my life so that when i got my shit together it would be special.

 i dunno. 

 but i can't seem to shake this tailspin. 

damned hyper internet obsession what hell wrong with me posting again already

 i am thinking i might just start smoking again because it helps and it beats sitting here not wanting to leave the house messing around on the internet. if having a cigarette makes it easier to deal with the world maybe it would be
better to just get a pack and let myself do it for now and quit when i feel more ready?

 i don't know if it's going to help anything though. maybe if i just get off my ass and start doing. minus cigarettes. it just feels like it'd be easier for me to get up and get out there and do what i need to with a cigarette. 
 
 wtf?

 i wonder if i should just try and it see? but if it helps maybe that just makes more addicted and i shoud still ride this out without smoking? 

aagh. 

damn damn

damn

trying meditating today and just can't do it. mind keeps wandering and i ended up feeling worse. now what do i do? guess just try again maybe tonite before bed or just do it again tomorrow. maybe try loving kindness meditation. maybe give up on the whole thing and go get some whiskey or something... 
 bloody hell. 
keeping this chronicle seems to be helping. 
but i still wish i just had a friend to talk about this stuff with. guess i'll have to hire a psychologist. 
maybe start going to a meditation center/group thingey... i know there are a few around here.. 
hmm... 
just gotta find a way to convince me i'm okay, i guess that's what i am trying to do... 

archeology and melancholy

 it's weird how some, many, of my things here at home, hell sort of even my home, feel like artifacts leftover from another life. it seems like i might have to restructure everything to get comfortable here again. 
  it seems like alot of the same music i don't even feel like listening to any more. not right now anyway, not as much as maybe before. that's just sometimes. sometimes i have to listen to something different. i am trying out Ryan Adams and also Whiskeytown right now. 

 I have to try and get my shit together with school. haven't even gone to campus yet, while i did just get back here sunday night. i might go to a couple classes today, definitely am going to campus. might even hang out at the electronic music studio and work on some stuff for a class.
 dunno though, school might feel weird too. i'm nervous again, like for some reason going to familiar campus after such a radical change in my life is going to fuck with my head. i don't get it but i definitely feel it. then again maybe i'm letting myself get carried away b/c it gives me an excuse to avoid responsibility. 

  i think my main goals right now are just to meditate every day and get some exercise every day- probably just walking, but gots to be doing somesuch... 

  i haven't been smoking but i am waffling, not
fully committed 'cuz of liking to smoke. and i haven't been tested yet by being around smokers alot or going to shows/bars... 

   okay... i should go now. not taking up too much time messing about online/with computer is also something i am trying to do right now. i have a hardcore internet problem it seems... let it suck away way too much of my time... ;)

-- PBM -- 
out

toothache and headache and heartache

i need a dentist i need psychological help i keep f*cking up my own head and crying to people to help me fix it. i guess. but there is all manner of perfectly good reasons for my head to be broken... but do i really need someone else to tell me i should take a few deep breaths and relax, try some medition exercise or somesuch? I can figure out that maybe I should do that, right? but it still helps to have some one else care enough to listen to my frustrations and give me ideas for sorting them out, even if i could perhaps figure it out myself. 
 
 and Mom's gone. keep reminding myself i'm never going to see her again. 
 all this crap in my head to sort out and i keep having to remind myself of this too... and i don't know what this latest has broken and what was already broken or if i am just obsessed with being broken because i want someone to rescue me. and maybe i am just fine. but my head hurts and i feel neurotic and want a cigarette but i quit and it wouldn't maybe help would just make cough.
   my friend who's been putting up with my rants and calming me down suddenly doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. 
  i tried calling one of my closest friends from way back and he doesn't even seem interested in asking what's been going on. and i don't know what to do because he's got all sorts of problems of his own to deal with. 
   my brother is too entangled with his girlfriend to be of any use. 
  my other real close friend is across the damn country and  is super hard to get ahold of. 
 i do have another  good local friend but she too has a lot of issues of her own.
  so i guess i just have to take care of myself or something. it's not that i don't know what i should do, it just feels better if someone will talk to me about it and make a suggestion like they give a damn. 
  it's probably better if i just stand on my own.

here...

mania. i am unhappy. i know nothing. i am...

i'm fine. alive, breathing, unwashed...(no water at my brother's place...)...

My Mother is sick and dying of cancer. Right now at this very moment. I am here and trying to spend what time with her I can. My Uncle is there taking care of her while she is sick, today she doesn't feel up to having us(my brother and I) visit. So I am right now sitting in a bar which has wireless internet, drinking cheap beer. I just ate a cheeseburger and some french fries.
Would rather be at Mom's side.
...................................................................

healing

And out of the black box soul
a flower began to grow
and as flowers need sunshine
so the sun shone
and as flowers need rain
there also was much rain
a cool cleansing rain it was
and the sun shone
and the rain fell
and the blackness was washed away
and the soul shimmered and was no longer
a black box
but became a beautiful garden


pbm saturday april 1 12:50 a.m.

:(

goddamn sick of being alive.
skipping class again
head hurts too much
had to delete a post i decided was unnecessary and embarassing.
wish i could delete my head.
i should go write in a notebook. i guess
i don't think i'm getting anywhere
back to the monday morning rant i guess.
ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

the ides of march

well. nothing good going on for me. sort of. got too drunk last nite, passed out at a friends woke up at 5 a.m. all alone and stumbled home. went to sleep. alarm didn't seem to go off properly and i didn't wake up for 9 a.m. class. and i missed the class on tuesday too. super stupid. super duper stupid.

i shouldn't say nothing good. found a new housemate for when the guy here now moves out and it's pretty close to confirmed that she'll be moving in.

but that also means it's pretty much confirmed that guy here now is moving out.

guy i have wicked crush on as spake of previously.

but this is a good thing for him. not going to go into other's business on the live open internets but it's good. he's getting some stuff worked out and that's awesome.
for him. and so i feel horrible and selfish for wanting him to be here... and i am pretty horrible and selfish having this crush on him. and not wanting him to move out.
:(

and i doubt he'll keep in touch outside of chatting online, i just don't think he likes me that much. i'm kind of a fruitcake.

our new housemate will be very cool and i am sure we'll get along great and have lots of fun. but it won't be the same.

damn i'm getting sad now. i really like this guy. this is silly.

of course i'm really hung over now. my head is throbbing most terribly.

i don't know what more i should post here about situations. probably nothing. who knows who reads this damn thing? even though i know it's just about nobody. if not nobody. if you are reading this, i'm not dissing you. you should leave a comment or something so i know i'm not alone here.

gotta head off to afternoon class. digital music synthesis. which i am really behind in and have missed 2 classes and shit. instructor's gonna lose patience with me.
tho i am more worried about the class i missed this morning. just 'cuz that instructor hasn't seemed all that patient with me to began with.

i am quite fond of digital music synthesis instructor. and also digital music synthesis t.a. good peeps, they are.
must go.

getting better, mayhap

that was bleak shite i posted monday. now it's early am wednesday. just a little after midnite. today was a rough day. i didn't do anything really. skipped all 3 of my classes, was feeling sick to my stomach, but also just didn't feel like leaving the house. let myself be chained to the internet, downloading crap, watching ebay and my emails, watching aim...
feeling really aimless and sad and powerless to change what i was doing. i hopped in the shower, ate potatoes, almost went to my evening class(that i have already missed 2 weeks in a row, this is the 3rd), and than felt sick to stomach again and changed my mind. thought about grocery shopping, cleaning, trying some school work, but ended just noodling around on the computer some more... called my Mom, who was tired, got kinda sad about that. felt really sad and powerless. called my brother, talked to him a bit about how i was feeling. it helped, than he had to go. went back in my room, considered cleaning... housemate was on aim from work and i ended up chatting with him. he suggested some exercises that might help. i feel better now.

the exercise i did was to get more in touch with my body and it worked- it was pretty cool, got me feeling all my muscles and everything -- got me aware of my body more than previous.

so i'm not sure how this has helped my problems in my head but i feel better. i feel like i'm starting to work on myself on a deeper level, for reals.

still don't know what to do about anything, still feeling kind of aimless and powerless and uncertain. but i feel less like shit and more like a person.

signing off,

PBM

my cheerful monday morning(3 a.m.) ranting

interesting interesting-
saturday
i spent the day mucking about in the drek of the internet mostly downloading porno, though i also did my taxes.
my housemate spent the day meditating.

--
here's some happy shite i just now typed into word and am copying copying o'er:

March 27, 2006


My head is in a place that’s broken and this world is no place for me anyway
Things happen without me and I feel like less of a person
I feel like I am not a person
I have no worthwhile tales to share
I have no worthwhile future to expect
Present is pain loss and loneliness

I can’t be in this present
I can’t attend to everything going on inside myself with patient loving kindness
I just want to run
Cut myself, burn myself
Drink copious amounts of whiskey and bang my head against a wall till I pass out
How the hell am I ever gonna fix this shit?

--

don't worry, i am not actually cutting nor burning nor banging my head on anything nor even drinking copious amounts of booze... well, occasionally i drink copious amts. of booze, but not on a regular basis

i am reading about meditation and buddhism and such, but i can't chill out enough to actually commit or try anything. i haven't even dedicated myself fully to the reading i'm doing.

in part i'm just copying my housemate, cuz he's so together and calm
even though he's too serious and reserved. this isn't really true at all. .... .... ....
i can't figure out if i want him or want to be him, in part i feel like i am very interested in him, like romantically, sexually, or at least getting to know and trust him as a friend(and wanting him to want to get to know and trust me). none of these seem to be real options. (there are perfectly good reasons these aren't options, at least the first two. as for the last one, well i guess he just doesn't like me that much.)
at the same time i am just very very envious of the guy. he has and is much that i want to achieve. i find myself wondering if my desire to forge a friendship with him is based on a genuine desire and liking... or this sort of envy
it's a little frustrating. and all the more so b/c i am going to be losing track of him soon anyway, well not entirely... i'll chat with him on the internet. but he won't be around to smile and ask how my day's going anymore... a smile emoticon just isn't the same...

as if i didn't have other things going on in my life. i keep getting distracted by how interested in this damn guy i am.
it's probably just a strategy my subconcious(semiconcious might be more accurate, as i am somewhat aware) is using to avoid dealing with the real hardcore shit going on. i don't think i'm going to type about that right now. but it's serious.

well this is probably enough rambling for now. why am i posting honest and true feelings and shite on the open internets? well, why not? it helps get my thoughts out.

peace and all that shite,
PBM

so what, So WHAAAT...!

yeah, I'm listening to Ministry. It's not exactly cheering me up, but I feel better, I guess. Today doesn't seem like a good day to me. I am up to my ears in overdue or due soon assignments and it hurts. I am frustrated and feeling lonely in life and of course "love" or sex or something. Just Blah. And I think I might be coming down with some real minor illness or cold type thing. Blah. Yuck. And I just want to go home and go to bed. The Ministry really is starting to help now actually. Stigmata. Fuckin' love this song, loved it since high school. Enough whining on internet.

It's kind of frustrating, I was feeling happy and energetic for a little while. Awesome new housemate moved in recently, Spark festival was really really great, and school seemed doable. Got some more financial aid money (gotta pay it back though, someday), and am thinking about blowing it on software. All good things it seems. And suddenly this morning/last night kinda, I just kinda crashed. Boom. Just started thinking unhappy depressing thoughts and getting hung up on everything. Now I'm trying to find that excitement and energy again, I kind of need it. To do stuff. Must be excited about the stuff I need to do and learn for school damn it, or it won't get done. Can't just sleep. Nope. I think it'll help my overwhelmedness when I get my computer at home and can do work their instead of having to stay on campus all the time to do stuff. Sucks having to sit around here all night when I could be at home with food and cigarettes and perhaps good company. I didn't used to care so much about chilling at school late nights when it was just my housemate who sleeps all day and works nights and other housemate who I didn't know very well and didn't really have a rapport with... but now I actually have someone cool to hang out with at home... feels more like home kind of... shit... yeah... def. cooler than sitting around by myself anyhows. So now I like being at home. And it does make sense that eventually I'd get sick of just hanging around school near 24-7 so much of the time... blech. Getting my computer, internet, and blowing some dough on some of the software I am into at school will make life better. Won't have my computer till the end of this month though. ...
Random Random babbling... blah.

Glad no-one's reading this shite, I guess. Though it does feel like a waste, but it's good for thought stimulation to write out my thoughts. or something. Self-examination and crap. Woo. Excitement. Except I can't put everything that's going on in my head on the internet, that's a little scary. I should really start keeping a journal. I just have this insistent paranoia about writing down things that should be private, that may embarassing... I mean things deeper and more personal that my yammering on here of course... I'm just too paranoid that someone else might end up reading them. I'm a woefully self-conscious motherfucker.
Anyhow, gotta book back to class...
thanks for reading anybody who may have read this. share your insights about how I may resolve my woe and whatnot if'n you have any ideas. I think I need some drugs. Mushrooms mayhap... ;)

ouchie!

I just reread the last couple of posts. How embarrassing!?! I'm, like, almost 30! Blathering on about such nonsense... oh well, this is an internet web site, whatevers...

I want a banana popsicle.

Alvin Lucier kicks ass.

I go now, to electroacoustic performances at the Southern Theatre, part of the previously mentioned Spark Festival. Awesome awesome!

Gawd, Sometimes I Write Like A Twelve Year Old.

stuff and nonsense

Hi! I'm updating my blog again. Two posts in a week! Manic, dudez.

Last night whilst drinking beerz at the Nomad I got kinda to thinking about stuff... or just realizing some stuff. Like this crush mania is stupid ridiculous. :) I have decided to let go of the whole lot of it. Crushes, meh. Well, not do away with crushes exactly, dunno if it's entirely possible to do that, but to not get all crazy when I have one or two or three. Cuz I realized it's no big deal, actually I have like 3-5 crushes of varying degrees going right now... not counting distant public figures... So why freak out? Tis silly. So, I think I feel better now. Mayhap. I still have a major thing for the guy I spake of previously, but not gonna make a big deal out of it. Just gonna be happy to be around the fellow and work on getting to be good friends. Totes Cool! Which is pretty much the course I'm going to follow with all my crushes.
So this is going to be an interesting new thing, just letting go and seeing what happens- totally not freaking out over peeps I get crushes on... Makes sense! Maybe I'm FINALLY maturing. ;) Yippee!

bloody hellish pain and shite

hi after long hiatus dear and likely nonexistent readers. I am here to put forth yet more whining about the utter despair and black hole that is my unfortunate life.

Yup.

Or maybe I'm in a really good mood and insanely happy and ready to start kicking ass at everything... hardcore...

I have no idea. ;)

See, there's a new boy around, an unavailable but utterly perfect sexy/cute witty intelligent thoughtful kind generous guy. What to do? Well of course nothing. So am I happy that I know the guy at all? Or am I going batshit b/c he's unavailable and out of my league to boot? A little of a, little of b, of course. But the way to go is be chill and not spazz out w/ insane crush mania. And just be happy to have a wonderful new friend. Wisdom and maturity, I gots to get some of that. Sanity even. A level head. Chill.

In other news... while... other news is to a certain extent too unpleasant to launch into. So I'll skip that bit...

School is feeling kind of overwhelming... I keep waffling between being excited about my classes and being intimidated and freaked out.

Spark Festival of Electronic Music and Art is probably going to be rocking my sox off and stuff... click this spot for infos and schedule!
In fact I gots to go now to check out Scanner.